Believe it? Deidara is Tobi's Hanayome!
by LuneDe
Summary: Thanks to some weird events, AKA blame Sasori, Deidara gets married...to Tobi Uchiha! How will Deidara deal with this and Tobi's alterego Madara? Read to find out. Side pairings: Sasuke X Sakura Sai X Ino and others AU -Alternate Universe- Please review!
1. Deidara is Married? Blame Sasori!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto unless you're talking about the food because I have some of that.

* * *

"They're gaining on us, un!" yelled Deidara in alarm, skipping form tree to tree with Sasori. They could hear their four pursuers behind them.

"Stating the obvious isn't going to help! C'mon, hurry up! We're almost in town." said Sasori, he was equally alarmed as Deidara although he didn't show it.

"It's all my fault…yeah." moaned Deidara, remembering the events that lead to this.

Flashback

Deidara walked along the forest floor with his companions. He was utterly bored.

"Got any ideas on what to do, hmm?" he asked his friends.

"Steal money from unsuspecting travelers?" offered a strange man whose masked face only revealed two glowing eyes.

"That's a crappy idea, Kakuzu. We always do that!" scoffed a pale haired man who was clutching a pendent against his heart.

"Now, now. Hidan, Kakuzu don't fight. What do you think we should do, hmm? Sasori-no-Danna?" asked Deidara.

His question seemed to be aimed at a crimson haired man, another one of his three friends.

"I think we-"

But before Sasori could answer something else caught Deidara's attention.

"What do we have here, hmm?" wondered Deidara as a group of four people appeared in his field of vision.

He could see them but they probably couldn't see him because of the thick bushes that lined the forest.

There was a pink haired woman, a man whose hair resembles a duck's bottom, a masked man with a huge sword and a guy(girl?) who appeared to be equipped with needles. None of the people interested Deidara, only what they were holding. It was a beautifully sculpted clay phoenix.

"What is that, un?" asked Deidara, completely mezmerized by the clay bird's artistic beauty.

"It's another one of the Uchiha's clan's big fancy weddings. That's Itachi Uchiha's gift to his brother Tobi and Tobi's soon to be wife. It's being shipped in specially from a far away village and it's being guarded by four elite ninjas. Better watch out, one of them is rumored to an Uchiha." said Kakuzu who was always knowledgeable on current events, he thought knowledge was valuable as money.

"You couldn't be thinking of stealing it, could you?" guessed Hidan. "Now that's what I'm talking about! No more amateurish crap, this is the big league!"

"I don't think this is a good idea guys…" said Sasori skeptically, wary of the consequences should they fail.

"Don't be a wuss, you square!" insulted Hidan.

"Three VS. one, un." said Deidara. "Majority rules, we steal the statue. Those snobs probably won't miss one little thing anyway."

A plan was formed Deidara would set off an explosion and lure one of the guards to the sound. They would fight them one on one. It didn't work that way though, when Deidara hid behind a bush and set off the explosion all four guards went to the where the noise of the explosion came from.

'_That was too easy_.' thought Hidan and Kakuzu as they bagged the unguarded statue. But as they returned to their hideout only to find that it was taken over by at least a quarter of Konoha's Uchiha military police force. They began to surround them.

"Crap…We are so f-"

"If I don't survive there is something I want you to know Hidan…"

"What?"

"I-"

But before another word was uttered the ninjas surrounded them and they were captured.

Deidara and Sasori retuned to the hideout later so they saw the danger and ran away…but the four original guards spotted them and is now hot on their heels.

End Flashback

Once they were in town Sasori quickly dragged Deidara into the nearest alley in an attempt to lose the people following them.

They ran into the nearest house, not knowing that destiny was now the puppet master and they were the puppets.

"What does this say, hmm?" asked Deidara, handling a note over to Sasori since he didn't know how to read himself.

Unconcealed surprise appeared in Sasori's eyes as he read the note aloud to Deidara.

"Dear Mom and Dad, I cannot bear to marry someone I don't know or love. If you think I was going to agree with this arranged marriage you were wrong. I have chosen to runaway with my true love, Sai. In time I hope you would learn to forgive me. Your loving daughter, Ino."

Sasori looked at the abandoned wedding clothes around the room. "I have a idea but we must hurry." said Sasori.

* * *

"Why me, hmm?"

"You're more feminine."

"Am not!"

"Just bear with this…"

Sasori held the kunai against Deidara's throat. Deidara's expression was unfathomable since it was covered by a veil but there was no doubt he was pissed off.

"Let me escape or Tobi Uchiha's bride will die!" threatened Sasori. The guards backed way cautiously except for the man with a duck bottom like haircut who stepped forward. The pink haired woman raised a hand to stop him. "Don't Sasuke-kun! He'll hurt Ino-chan!" The guy(girl?) with hair tied up in a bun pulled out a few needles and the man with the huge sword simply relaxed, perhaps in trust of the needle wielder's abilities.

"Hold the kunai like you mean it or they won't believe you, un!" whispered Deidara.

Sasori's tightened his grip on the kunai.

"Put some effort into acting or they'll never fall for it!" he hissed back silently.

"Oh, no! What shall I ever do? I'm too young, pretty, and important to die!" said Deidara in the most feminine voice he could manage. He was very convincing.

Suddenly a needle dug itself into Sasori's hand, causing him to drop the kunai in pain.

Deidara gave him a look. It said it all. '_The ruse is up! Run away and save yourself now, un! I'll be alright by myself, they think I'm the bride_!'

Sasori understood yet he was still hesitant. Deidara pushed him away so he obediently fled, unfortunately two people went after him.

"Haku! Zabuza! After him!" commanded the one called Sasuke. "Sakura, check to see is sister-in-law is alright."

Deidara was frozen in dawning horror. '_Did he just call me SISTER-IN-LAW_?!'

"Are you alright Ino-chan?" asked Sakura.

"Y-yeah…" said Deidara, still a little dumbfounded.

He was even more surprised when Sakura grabbed his wrist and dragged him forward with Sasuke following behind.

"We're going to be late. Itachi-san is going to be so mad!" groaned Sakura.

'_Itachi_?_ Didn't I hear that somewhere before, hmm_?' thought Deidara, but he couldn't remember.

'_Wait a minute…why am I being led by these two, hmm…to be married_?!'

Deidara tried to get way but Sasuke blocked his path. "Now, now Ino-chan. We can't have you wandering off. There are rouge ninjas and thieves out, in fact a groups of them just got captured for attempting to steal Itachi ni-san's present to you and Tobi ni-san! The nerve!"

Deidara's stomach felt like it was tied up in a knot. He had a bad feeling he knew whom Sasuke was talking about.

"Move out of the way duck-butt! I have to use the john, un!" yelled Deidara, trying to think of an excuse to get way from them. Sasuke appeared absolutely stunned by the insult while Sakura stood gaping like a fish. They were both thinking similar thoughts. '_Ino-chan was supposed to be the daughter of an aristocratic family. So why does she speak with the vocabulary of an uncouth peasant_?!'

"There isn't a bathroom." Sasuke replied.

"So? I'll just use the bushes, yeah."

"Ino-chan! That's not something a lady says!" gasped Sakura, appalled by Deidara's behavior. "You'll just have to hold it in a little longer Ino-chan. We're almost at the Uchiha family quarters." said Sakura, still unnerved by Deidara.

"Then you'll be married." said Sasuke. "Don't worry, you'll be with Tobi ni-san soon!"

'_Married…Married_? _MARRIED_!' the words echoed in Deidara's head and quite frankly he tried to run like hell! But before he knew it, he passed out with a needle protruding from his back. "Sorry Ino-chan." said Sakura remorsefully. "Don't worry Sasuke-kun. It's just a temporary sedative."

"Worry? As if! Good riddance!" the raven haired Uchiha scoffed.

* * *

Deidara woke up to the sight of the several large multi room buildings that must have spanned at least a hundred acres. He whistled in surprise, "Dang! That's some pretty impressive crap shacks you got there, hmm?" Sakura and Sasuke, the duo that was carrying Deidara, dropped him in alarm. They were really beginning to suspect Deidara's origins and upbringing. Where did she learn such language?

"Sasuke?! Is that how you're supposed to treat you're brother's soon to be wife?" lectured a man with raven colored hair tied up in a ponytail. He would have probably reacted differently had he heard what Deidara had said, but he didn't and only saw him being dropped. The man glared at Sasuke menacingly with strange blood colored eyes spotted with black.

"No, Itachi ni-san." said Sasuke, helping Deidara back on his feet. He seemed to both fear and respect the man he called his brother. At the same time his eyes changed color, matching his brother's.

'_So this is Itachi_.' thought Deidara. He studied Itachi's attire. '_Long girly hair tied up in a pony tail_? _Purple nail and toe polish_? _What kind of guy has hips like that_? _Gay, definitely gay, yeah_.' thought Deidara, judging Itachi. He somehow failed to notice those same details about himself.

His thoughts broke up as he found himself entering the building, being escorted by Sakura and Sasuke. Deidara couldn't really see well because of the veil covering his face but he could make out what appeared to be a man with a shock of spiky black hair. '_Do all Uchihas have black hair_?' wondered Deidara. At first Deidara thought the man was winking but then he noticed a scar over the man's left eye which keep it from opening. Deidara looked around nervously, he didn't want to be married. Especially not to a guy, a guy he didn't know at all by the way. But he was surrounded, Konoha's entire police/military must be invited to this wedding! He finally reached the altar, standing before the Itachi who was sitting on a throne, looking ready to cry. He didn't but blew his nose on a tissue. Standing besides him was Deidara's future husband, Tobi Uchiha.

Deidara frowned at Tobi's goofy smile, Tobi was elated at the thought of being married, the opposite of what Deidara felt.

'_I can do it._' thought Deidara, trying to convince himself to say the wedding vows. '_It's just a bunch of words_. _I have no choice, I can't make it out of here alive if I attempted to escape, un_.'

'_Why not just blow yourself up_?' a little voice in his head said evilly. But Deidara knew he had to live otherwise he wouldn't be able to save Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori, who hopefully wasn't captured. Deidara said the vows but just as he was about to say 'I do,' Haku and Zabuza entered the building carrying the lay phoenix statue that Deidara had attempted to steal earlier that day.

"We caught the two thieves but one got away." said Zabuza, although it sounded a little muffled because of the white bandages that covered his mouth. Deidara felt relieved, Sasori-no-danna had escaped.

"Wasn't there four thieves?" asked Haku.

"I'm pretty sure there were three." said Zabuza, although he sounded doubtful himself.

"If you say so…" said Haku, still unsure of how many there really were.

"What do we do about the captured criminals?" asked Zabuza, handing the statue over to Itachi.

"Those filth dare steal from the Uchiha clan? Execute them!" commanded Itachi.

"Sure thing boss man." grinned Zabuza, lifting his giant blade in anticipation of spilling blood.

"No!" yelled Deidara, shocking all the people present. The most surprised was Itachi, who was being defied. Tobi was also surprised, surprised his bride would have the guts to defy Itachi, leader of the Uchiha clan when no one else dared.

'_Oh no, I have to explain myself_!' realized Deidara, perfectly aware everyone was looking at him in wonder because of his outburst.

"Uh, no…that's what I said yeah. They shouldn't be executed. Today I am going to be married to Tobi-kun right? Such a joyous occasion shouldn't be tainted by death on the same day. It would be bad luck…yeah." said Deidara, desperately trying to find a reason to give so Itachi wouldn't authorize his comrades' executions. Deidara stood there tensely, waiting for Itachi's reply…

* * *

Author's Notes: Hanayome means bride. Hence the title means 'Deidara is Tobi's Bride', which is true in this fic. Ino and Deidara have similar haircuts, they could totally pass off as each another. Chan, san and kun are honorifics. Ni-san means brother. In my fan fiction it is AU (Alternate Universe) so Itachi, Sasuke, and Tobi are all brothers. Ages are tweaked so Itachi is the oldest, I decided to make him a somewhat decent older brother in this. He overlooks the revival of the Uchiha clan so he makes sure his younger brothers find brides. Sasuke found a wife himself, that would be Sakura. Tobi doesn't have a wife so what does Itachi go and do? Plan an arranged marriage! Tobi gets engaged to Ino but little does Itachi know Tobi's wife to be standing before him is not Ino, who ran way with Sai, but Deidara! Deidara is not only a thief/rogue ninja, but a GUY! How will this effect Itachi's plans to revive the Uchiha clan? _Dramatic music is heard_

It's customary to present a gift to a newly wed couple so Itachi sent for a phoenix statue to be delivered. You can see why Deidara wanted to steal it. It's a bird, made of clay, and art. I had a hard time deciding whether or not to make the statue a phoenix or a crow. A crow would make sense because it's Itachi's symbolic creature but I decided on a phoenix instead. Phoenixes are more beautiful, their element is also fire, like Uchihas. A phoenix also represent rebirth or revival which is what Itachi wants for the Uchiha clan. Tobi isn't wearing a mask right now but he will later, it would be vital to the plot. Deidara could not read the note, Deidara's illiteracy will cause problems later in the story. This is my first multi chaptered fic, wish me luck! Sorry for any mistakes there may be…

By the way, do you know what Kakuzu was about to say to Hidan before they got owned? He was supposed to say "I want back the money you borrowed!"

Did you guys think it would be something else…?

Please review! I'll be motivated to update.


	2. Deidara has to go back? Blame Sasori!

Disclaimer: Once again I do not own Naruto because I was hungry.

* * *

"I suppose you're right. Why ruin such an occasion like this one with something as dreadful as death on the same day? Besides I can't refuse the wish of a young lady on her wedding day. That would be rude. Zabuza, Haku, simply lock them away for now." said Itachi.

Deidara sighed in relief while Zabuza just lowered his sword disappointedly. Haku hugged Zabuza as he patted his back soothingly, "There will be others…"

"You're right…" agreed Zabuza. The duo disappeared out the door, probably off to relay Itachi's orders to the others who had caught Hidan and Kakuzu.

"Continue." ordered Itachi.

"Hmm?" said a confused Deidara.

"The vows." Tobi reminded Deidara.

"Oh…I do." said Deidara, completing the vows. '_Damn, I thought they forgot_!'

"You may now kiss the bride." Itachi smiled.

'_Crap_!' thought Deidara in alarm, but he reacted too slowly. Tobi lifted the veil just enough for his lips to meet Deidara's. Their noses touched and this kiss was brief but satisfying. All of Deidara's mouth hands felt like hurling. '_That tasted like an orange lollipop, un_.' noted Deidara even though he wished he hadn't. Everyone clapped politely, one extremely rowdy and drunken blond even dared to say "Again!"

"Ah, Naruto-kun! You're drunk!" panicked a flustered looking girl with strange pale eyes, who was trying to help the intoxicated man who had spoken get back on his feet.

"I am not Hinata-chan! Believe it-hic!"

"Damn it! Naruto, stop creating a scene!" yelled Sasuke, glaring at Naruto. Sakura cracked her knuckles, ready to deliver a beating.

" 'ello Saucegay- teme. And a good day to you too Sakura-chan." slurred Naruto.

"Na-Naruto-kun. You should stop, this is bad." said Hinata, noticing the hostile glares directed at Naruto.

"Again!" he repeated.

"Again!" said Hinata, copying Naruto. Others began to copy Naruto too.

Soon the entire room was going "Again!"

"I don't feel well… "said Deidara, which was not a complete lie, he felt sick to his stomach. Plus he was craving lollipops for some reason.

"Sorry, we can't. She doesn't feel well so we'll have to turn in for the night." said Tobi, apolitically.

No one seemed disappointed, after all Tobi and Deidara were going to 'turn in for the night!'

"Aw, they aren't going to kiss again? At least I can still kiss you Hinata-chan…"

Naruto really did, and then passed out. What happened next was Hinata fainted too from shock.

Sakura single handedly chucked Naruto out the door with her super strength. Neji sighed unhappily, he was responsible for Hinata and Naruto's well being.

"I guess that's why you're the designated driver!" laughed Tenten, taking a sip from a margarita she had in her hand.

"Not you too?!"

"Promise me that when we get married I can have a ceremony just like this. An open bar and everything…"

"Isn't it to early to be thinking about that?" said Neji with some color appearing on his face.

"Whatever you say snookums."

Poor Neji…

* * *

The moment Tobi and Deidara entered the room Sakura and Sasuke locked them in, ALONE.

"Let me out, un!" demanded Deidara, pounding his fists against the door frame.

"Sorry Ino-chan, we have to make sure you spend the whole night with Tobi-kun," apologized Sakura.

"It's ni-san's orders." said Sasuke, "There's only one bed…"

Deidara pounded harder in frustration, he couldn't see Sakura or Sasuke because of the locked door that keep the two guards outside, but if he did he would probably beat the stuffing out of them for locking him in with Tobi.

"Damn it! My name is not Ino, it's Deidara!" he yelled out angrily.

"I thought your name was Ino…' said Tobi in confusion.

Deidara stopped pounding, "Deidara is my nickname…yeah. You can just call me that."

"What an…interesting nickname." commented Tobi, taking off his shoes.

"What are you doing, hmm?" questioned Deidara.

"Whee!" laughed Tobi, jumping up and down on the bed. "Would you like to join me In-Deidara?"

Hesitantly Deidara took off his shoes and began to jump on the bed too. '_This isn't so bad_.' he thought, laughing along with Tobi as the two of them leaped around the bed. All was going well until Deidara tripped and sprawled onto the bed, Tobi offered a hand to help Deidara get back on his feet but Deidara refused his help and shifted his foot to trip Tobi. Unfortunately this caused Tobi tofall and land on top of Deidara. Deidara blushed and immediately pushed Tobi down against the bed to switch their positions. "What are you-" Tobi began to ask, but Deidara clamped his hand against Tobi's mouth. "Do you hear that, hmm?"

"What?" Tobi tried to ask, but Deidara clamped his hand against Tobi's mouth harder. He used his free hand to place a index finger against his lips, making the sign for silence. Tobi tried to listen but it was sort of distracting with Deidara's mouth hand's tongue in his mouth. Finally Tobi noticed a sound coming from the other side of the closed door.

"Can you hear anything?" said a familiar voice, Sasuke's.

"Of course not, maybe if you stop breathing down my neck. A little space please?" said a responding female voice, definitely Sakura.

"How's this?" asked Sasuke, leaning even closer onto Sakura until his chin was rested on her shoulder.

"You're even closer than before!" muttered Sakura, trying not to blush. "What are those two doing? At first I thought I heard laughter but it stopped."

Deidara removed his hand and Tobi gasped for breath but he still signaled for silence. Deidara raised his two mouth hands which began to release a few varying pitches. Finally he seemed satisfied with the two different pitches. At first Tobi appeared confused but later he understood what Deidara was doing.

Deidara's two mouth hands began to make noises, one sounded like a man the other a woman.

The noises, the moans and groans could only mean the man and woman were probably participating in a activity both of them could enjoy. Soon Sasuke's face turned as red as Sakura's hair, likewise it was the same for Sakura.

"I think we should go and give them some privacy." said Sakura. Sasuke agreed instantly and the two walked away. Deidara's hand mouths stopped making noises as soon as he heard Sasuke and Sakura's retreating footsteps.

"You're quite talented?" said Tobi, understanding Deidara's intentions to deceive. "Thank goodness we didn't really have to…you know."

"You mean you didn't want to either, hmm?"

"It's not that you're not attractive…" said Tobi sheepishly, misreading Deidara's confused expression with a hurt one. "You're quite pretty. It's just because I'm not ready. I don't think I was ready to marry yet here I am!" Tobi got off the bed and headed to the table placed in the room. He sat down and poured himself a cup of sake from the bottle conveniently placed on the tabletop. "It was an arranged marriage, I hardly even know you." said Tobi, emptying the cup of sake in one gulp.

'_You know me even less than you realize, un_.' thought Deidara. Deidara actually agreed with everything Tobi had said, except the attractive part. He didn't find Tobi attractive at all, not a bit…or so he tried to convince himself. Deidara actually felt sorry for Tobi and his fate.

"But what was I supposed to do?!" said Tobi, drinking more sake. "I couldn't disobey ni-san. It's for the sake of the Uchiha clan! The Uchiha clan!"

Deidara got off the bed and sat across from Tobi at the table. He also got a cup and poured himself sake. He swallowed it in one cup, mimicking Tobi. He refilled both their cups.

"To us, yeah!" exclaimed Deidara, clashing cups with Tobi. Simultaneously the married couple emptied the cups as fast as they were filled.

"You're a girl." said Tobi. "Are you sure you can take that much alcohol?"

"I can take more than you, lightweight. Just try me, un!" said Deidara, once again refilling the cups. Once again they emptied the liquid into their systems, and each time afterwards Deidara refilled the cups. This was done over and over again several times until Tobi's single open eye began to droop.

" 'oor good at this." slurred Tobi. He waited for a response but Deidara has already passed out. Tobi followed his example and passed out too.

* * *

Both of them woke up with a hangover yet Tobi managed to wake up first and head down to the family breakfast. Deidara woke up later and but the time he changed and headed down to eat he was half an hour late. The first thing Deidara did was seat himself and shovel food into his mouth, with his hands!

Sasuke and Sakura looked at Deidara strangely. For somebody with an upbringing like Ino she sure ate with the table manners of a petty thief, which was exactly what Deidara was…not that they knew. I wasn't Deidara's fault he was like this, it was how he was raised. Deidara used to have eating contests with Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori all the time. Of course he won most of the time because of his mouth hands. Thinking about his friends made Deidara feel quite homesick. He was not the only sick one, Itachi had a weak stomach and therefore lost his breakfast at the sight of Deidara eating.

"Deidara- chan, please use the utensils." said Tobi nervously.

"Deidara?! I thought her name was Ino!" said Itachi, outraged by Deidara's behavior. "Now listen here, miss. Eat like the civilized aristocrat you are instead of a beggar off the street that hasn't eaten a meal in days or I'll send you to your room!"

"Deidara is her nickname." explained Tobi, wiping the food residue off Deidara's face. "Please use the silverware." he begged, pointing at the multiple spoons and forks lining the dinging table.

"Send me to my room?! Who do you think you are pansy? My mom, hmm?" retorted Deidara.

"What did you say?!" yelled Itachi, rising from his chair in a rage.

"I said you're real angsty! Go eat a bomb!"

"Watch your blood pressure ni-san." worried Sasuke, trying to get Itachi to sit down.

Deidara and Itachi were at a stalemate, glaring at each other in silence. Itachi was about to win by using the Sharingan but someone else spoke up.

"Deidara? That's an interesting name." commented Sakura. '_Isn't that a guy's name_?'

Itachi sat down again but he was still glaring, wary of Deidara's every movement. Doubts filled his mind.

'_Ino, no, Deidara certainly is strange. I'm pretty sure I set Tobi up with the most prestigious family outside of the Uchiha clan. Their daughter was supposed to be perfect, a lady…yet before me is something different entirely_!'

Deidara sat down and looked at the assortment of utensils lining his plate, in his grasp. The amount was dizzying, his hangover did not help. Not to mention he didn't know what to use at all.

"You have something there." said Tobi, licking a sauce stain off Deidara's cheek. On second thought Deidara did know what to do with one of the forks. Tobi gasped as he felt a shooting pain in his sides. Not as good as a kunai Deidara decided but good enough.

"What should I use, Tobi-kun?" Deidara asked Tobi, who was convulsing on the floor in fetal position.

"U-use t-the fo-fork on your far left, it's for eating fish." answered Tobi.

Itachi, who had been cutting up dango into small pieces with a fork and knife and popping them into his mouth suddenly stopped. Sasuke choked on the tea he was drinking so Sakura had to pat his back. Everyone was staring at Deidara who had taken the fork on his RIGHT. Itachi exploded, "You don't even know your left from your right?! That's it! Go to your room! You are forbidden to eat anything until you know what utensils to use!"

Sasuke and Sakura stood up and before Tobi knew it those two had taken Deidara and locked him in his room. "Let her out!" begged Tobi but Itachi refused. "I'll let her out at the end of the day. By then Deidara would have hopefully learned her lessen." said Itachi. "I am not angsty…" he muttered.

Deidara sat in the room, reflecting on the events that happened so far. He really wished he had eaten more.

'_Why am I still here anyway, hmm_?' thought Deidara, ' _I should be out finding Sasori-no-danna and saving Hidan and Kakuzu, un! It's not like I'm obligated to stay here with my so called 'husband_.' Deidara frowned and absent mindedly touched his cheek where Tobi had licked him, it was still wet. Deidara frowned, why did he miss that feeling? Deidara's thoughts returned to his friends again and he felt a pan of guilt. He shouldn't be trapped here, he should be out saving his companions.

Deidara made up his mind and caused a small explosion in the ground, creating a hole big enough for him to fit though and dig his way to freedom. Deidara waited but no one heard the explosion, that or anyone who heard didn't bother to go to its source. He crawled out of the hole and escaped to the world outside.

* * *

The first thing Deidara did when he got out was go to the second hideout. There was no doubt the first was being watched. Deidara was right about the second hideout, as expected Sasori was there waiting for him. He had been hiding in a tree near the cave entrance, waiting for Deidara to appear. When he had, Sasori jumped down, wielding a kunai menacingly. "Why'd you make me wait that long, Deidara? You know I'm not patient. I was starting to think you were captured. Aren't you even armed with a weapon right now? So reckless…"

"Captured, hmm? No, something much worse. Thanks to your brilliant idea I'm married, un! How did you ever talk me into doing that, hmm?"

"To Tobi Uchiha? This is perfect!"

"Hmm? No, it's a disaster, yeah!"

"You'll have to stay with him for the time being."

"What?!"

"Let me explain. Tomorrow his majesty and his wife, Pein and Konan are inviting the Uchihas to a charity auction and to celebrate the newly wed couple. Um, that would be you and that Uchiha."

"So?"

"You have to get Pein's Proof of Authority, the badge he carries around."

Deidara nodded, he knew what the Proof of Authority was. There was only one king but some people went around saying they were even though they weren't. So the Proof of Authority was created, absolute proof the owner was king. Stealing such an artifact was priceless. It was made of pure gold, one inch wide by three inches long and one millimeter thick. The royal symbol, a red cloud should be engraved on it.

"You have to get it or we will never get Hidan and Kakuzu out alive. They are in a maximum security prison, if we try to break them out it would be suicide…" explained Sasori.

"…unless we have the Proof of Authority. The guards would have no choice but to obey us and let them go…" understood Deidara. "I get it now. Ugh! I went thought the trouble of escaping, now I have to go back, hmm?"

"I'm afraid so…"

* * *

Author's Notes: Tobi doesn't find Deidara's mouth hands weird, okay maybe a little but there are stranger things. People with multiple arms, two heads, or four hearts. (You know who I'm taking about) Poor Deidara, after escaping only to discover that he has to go back!

Why is Deidara's manners like that? I this fic he is a thief/lowly commoner. He's just raised like that, not like a rich well raised Uchiha. This is troublesome as Shikamaru might say. The Proof of Authority is a plot device I made up, yes the imperial symbol is the Akatsuki cloud. Stuff like this really were made because people tried to impersonate Kings and other important officials.

By the way Naruto called Sasuke 'teme' which is a swear word in japanese which I shouldn't have told you about. What the hey, that's what Naruto calls him in the anime anyway.

Please Review! I need feedback.


	3. Itachi is Mortified? Blame Deidara!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto unless your taking about a pet goldfish I have who I've named Naruto.

* * *

Deidara got back in thought the same hole he got out though. Unfortunately as he crawled back into the room someone else came in.

"Deidara-chan? Are you alright? Tobi-san told me to get you some food…" Sakura opened the door and immediately fainted at the sight of the first thing she saw. "Oh my gosh! It's Deidara's severed head." (Deidara had not entirely entered the room yet so only his head protruded from the hole) Sasuke entered the room and caught the plate of food Sakura was holding before it dropped onto the floor. He was not happy to find his wife passed out on the floor although for some reason he felt a spell of nostalgia.

Sasuke looked at the hole Deidara had entered though suspiciously, "What were you do-"

"That's none of your business mini-Itachi." muttered Deidara, standing up to brush himself off.

Sasuke instinctively moved his hand to unsheathed the sword he carried on his back. Fortunately Tobi entered the room before they could fight, unfortunately he tripped over the unconscious Sakura on his way in…and crashed into Deidara. When Tobi entered the room it went something like this…

"Are you alright Deidaragghhh…?!"

'Oof!'

"Get off me, un!"

Sasuke reseated his blade and picked Sakura up from the ground. He left the room smirking at the scene that was happening, he didn't need to fight Deidara, Deidara was going to suffer enough thanks to Tobi.

"Get off me!" Deidara repeated, struggling to push Tobi off.

"Hold still!" Tobi yelled. Deidara stopped struggling. Noticing the fear in Deidara's eyes Tobi spoke in a softer voice, "Please?"

Deidara was uncomfortable mainly because of the position he was in but also because Tobi was examining him. Tobi's gaze never left Deidara's face for what seemed to be an eternity. His only Sharingan revolved around his eye socket wildly, taking in Deidara's appearance. He finished his analysis and placed a hand on Deidara's face.

Deidara flinched, fearing punishment. He had broken out of the room even though he was grounded and even destroyed part of the floor in the process. The room was probably worth more than his life, Deidara could tell because of the various gold furniture that decorated the Uchiha estate. Fancy furniture for rooms that were just as fancy.

To Deidara's surprise Tobi gently wiped dust off his face. Tobi moved his hand again to hold a strand of Deidara's hair. "There's dirt in your hair." Tobi muttered softly.

"I-I can explain." Deidara stammered as Tobi removed a leaf from his hair.

"No need to." Tobi smiled, leaning in closer. The tip of his nose brushed against the nape of Deidara's neck, Deidara shivered in response.

"You smell different too…" Tobi said. '_A cave_?' he thought.

Tobi stood up and offered a hand to Deidara. He took it hesitantly and got back on his feet.

Deidara started to speak again but Tobi placed a finger to his lips, "I won't tell." he promised. "I'm not sure what you were doing, but it's your secret…unless you wish to confide in me." Tobi left, leaving behind a relieved but confused Deidara.

* * *

"Ni-san is still pretty pissed off at Deidara. You had no idea how hard it was to calm him down." said Sasuke. "Luckily I borrowed some of Sakura's medicinal herbs and snuck a little something in his dango…" Sasuke glared at Tobi, "Hey! Are you listening to me Tobi ni-san?"

Tobi did indeed seem lost in thought until Sasuke spoke again. "Thinking about Deidara-chan?" he guessed.

Tobi laughed, "Am I really that obvious?"

"Something seems off about her though. I have to deal with so much trouble." Sasuke sighed. "I had to convince Sakura that Deidara's head was still connected to her body. Why would she think her heard was severed?"

"You tell me…" scoffed Tobi, drifting off into thought again.

"Why would you let Deidara keep a secret from Itachi? You saw that hole didn't you?" asked Sasuke. "What was she doing?"

"It's only fair, Deidara is not the only one that keeps secrets…" Tobi said, grinning slyly.

"And that's supposed to mean…?"

"What Itachi ni-san doesn't know can't hurt him. Tobi is a good boy, he doesn't want anything bad to happen to ni-san."

* * *

"How do I look?" asked Deidara. Tobi appeared dumbfounded.

"Is there something in my hair, hmm?! Another leaf?" asked Deidara.

"Why are you wearing male clothing?"

'_Oh snap_! _I forgot I'm supposed to pretend I'm a girl_.' thought Deidara.

"Never mind," sighed Tobi. "Here." he said, tossing Deidara a buttercup colored dress. "It was a wedding gift…it suits your hair."

'_C'mon. You can do it, un. For Hidan and Kakuzu's sake. For Sasori no danna's sake, hmm_?' Deidara thought, cringing at the thought of wearing the dress he was holding. Deidara entered the changing room again, and remerged in a dress. "We have to go, can't be late to dinner, right? Itachi ni-san is still a little sore about your manners and what not."

"But I still don't know what to use, un! What am I going to do, hmm?"

"Don't worry. I got it covered."

* * *

Deidara was absolutely mortified. It was humiliating, he knew how to feed himself yet here he was, being fed by Tobi!

"Here comes the airplane!" said Tobi, directing a spoonful of soup into Deidara's mouth. "Damn it! I can feed myself, un!"

Actually he couldn't, he didn't know what utensils to use.

Tobi did however and had to feed him. Deidara rose from his seat defiantly but his sudden movement caused the spoon to slip from Tobi's grasp, and spill soup over his dress. Itachi glared at Deidara, "Watch your mouth!(He should have said 'mouths') Return to your seat this instant!" Itachi yelled, appalled at Deidara's behavior. '_Why is Deidara like this_?' he wondered. '_The Yamanakas were a noble family, why would one of its members be like this_?'

Sasuke snickered, "Looks like Deidara will need a bib, right ni-san?" Sakura started laughing too until the appearance of Tobi's Sharingan made everyone shut up. Deidara sat down again and dinner continued with no problems…sort of.

"As you may all already know, tomorrow King Pein and Queen Konan invited us to a charity auction to celebrate Tobi and Deidara's marriage." Itachi said Deidara's name in disdain. "But I am afraid I can't let Deidara go if she continues to act like a heathe-"

'Burp!' Deidara was frozen with horror, did his mouth hand just…?

Itachi choked in surprise on the dango he was eating, "Did you just…?" He was not the only one staring. Sasuke stopped feeding Sakura cherries and likewise Sakura dropped the tomato she held over Sasuke's mouth enticingly in surprise.

"Whoops, that was me. Sorry." Tobi lied. Itachi didn't seem to quite believe Tobi, nonetheless he returned to eating dango.

"My shirt!" frowned Sasuke looking at his tomato covered outfit.

"Who needs a bib now, hmm?" laughed Deidara.

* * *

"Thank you for taking the blame, un." said Deidara. "I don't know what I would do if I couldn't come to that auction…"

"How do you plan to reward me?" Tobi asked seductively. It didn't work.

"Oh no you don't! I sleep on the bed, you can sleep on the floor, un."

Tobi frowned. "Are you sure?" he whispered into Deidara's ear, using the same voice he had before.

"On second thought you can sleep on the bed…yeah."

Tobi grinned, but the next moment the smile disappeared from his face. "… and I'll sleep on the floor. That will be your reward, hmm?"

* * *

"Come on, Deidara-chan. Won't you join me, you don't have to sleep on the floor you know…"

"No." grumbled Deidara, changing his position. But no matter which position he took the hard floor offered him no comfort. Nevertheless he managed to fall asleep.

* * *

Deidara woke up and rubbed the sleep off his eyes. '_The ground feels soft. That's strange_.' he thought. Deidara's face became redder than the tomato Sakura had dropped on Sasuke. '_I'm in bed_!'

Deidara struggled to push off the sheets covering him and looked around wildly for his husband. But Deidara couldn't see Tobi on the bed because he wasn't in bed. '_Where is that idiot_?' thought Deidara, climbing out of bed.

"Ow!" complained a familiar voice as Deidara's foot met his face. "I'm so sorry!" apologized Deidara, backing away from Tobi, who was sleeping on the floor. "You seemed uncomfortable so I thought you would sleep better in bed. By the way who is Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan?" asked Tobi. "You were saying some names like that in your sleep."

"It's my friends." said Deidara honestly. "My imaginary friends.(Stretching the truth a little) Hidan is really religious and inspires me to stab people(I guess that's why he stabbed Tobi in the last chapter). Kakuzu is very financal and he helps me be responsible with money. Sasori is an artist and helps me appreciate art."

"Oh." said understanding Tobi. "I have an imaginary friend too. His name is Zetsu and he likes to eat people as much as Itachi likes dango. I don't have good imaginary friends like you, Zetsu tells me to be a bad boy a lot."

"Okay…" said Deidara. '_He's a nutcase…yeah._'

"Can you step out for a moment, hmm?"

"Why?" asked Tobi.

"I have to change…yeah." blushed Deidara, Tobi reddened too. After Tobi left the room, Deidara looked around in panic. '_What the heck am I supposed to wear, hmm_?!' the dress he wore last night was stained with soup, he couldn't wear that!

He opened a random wedding gift and wore the dress inside.

* * *

Deidara could hear voices coming from the living room.

"Cheers! To the newly wed couple!" The clink of glasses was heard.

"Sake's not good for you health, Pein!"

"Lighten up, Konan-chan! Let us drink to their health!"

Deidara took in a deep breath and began to put into action his plan. He opened the doors leading to the living room and walked in carrying a tray of tea. Deidara wore a extremely fake smile that would make Sai proud.

"Ah, is that your wife now Tobi-san?" asked Pein, spotting Deidara. Tobi, Itachi, Sasuke, and Sakura were already in the room. A woman wearing an origami flower in her blue hair sat besides Pein, it was obvious she was Konan, Pein's queen. They all saw Deidara. Tobi and Sasuke let out startled gasps of recognition.

Itachi started to cry, they were not tears of sadness nor anger but happiness. "T-That's was mo-mother's dress." His voice began to crack. "She wore it when she married father, now it's your's. Oh, her last wish was to have grandchildren. If only it would come true…"

"You look-look beautiful Deidara-chan." stammered Tobi. No one could disagree with that. Deidara's dress was a lovely crimson shade, it matched his hair ribbon. The dress had black trimming which gave it the appearance of tainted blood. On the back of the dress there was what most Uchiha clothing had, their symbol, the paper fan. A recognizable design decorated the dress, a swirling pattern of black fire. Two barrettes were worn in his hair. One was red and the other black, they resembled a striking phoenix and a submitting crow.

"Deidara-chan? I thought her name was Ino." said Konan.

"She prefers to be called Deidara." said Sasuke.

"Isn't that a gu-" Konan nudged Pein before he finished the sentence.

"Oh, I mean that's a great name." said Pein. '_For a guy_.' he thought.

Pein took another swig of sake, "Don't worry Itachi-san! I'm sure Deidara and Tobi will make her wish come true."

"That's enough sake." said Konan, taking away his glass.

"Aw, you're being mean Konan-chan." groaned Pein.

"Would you like some tea, hmm?" asked Deidara, still carrying the tray toward Pein. '_Why couldn't I have chosen a less attention gathering dress, hmm_?'

"Sure." said Pein, even thought he wanted more sake.

Deidara walked closer, and the he saw it, hanging from the belt around Pein's torso was the Proof of Authority. Just like the paper fan was the Uchiha's symbol the red cloud was the King's symbol and it was engraved on the golden plaque.

Deidara placed down the tray and carefully poured tea….on Pein's lap! Pein yelped in pain because of the steaming tea, this caused the distraction Deidara needed. At the sound of Pein's voice everyone rushed upon him.

"Are you alright, your highness?!"

"That clumsy wretch!"

"Pein-kun?!"

In that mass confusion Deidara ducked and reached for the Proof of Authority. '_Just a little further…_' Just as Deidara touched the pendent he felt someone tug at his collar.

Itachi yanked Deidara backwards, "What the hell are you doing?!" Itachi yelled at Deidara, he activated his eyes.

"I'm so-so sorry Pein-sama!" said Itachi, bowing as low as he can.

"No worries. I'm sure it was just an accident. I never really liked these pants anyway." said Pein, looking at his tea covered lap.

"No. This cannot go unpunished." Itachi said, turning his attention to Deidara. "I forbid you to come with us to the site where the auction will be held. Guards, take her away!" commanded Itachi, pointing at Haku and Zabuza. "Hai!" the two of them said, they were supposed to guard the king yet they let tea be spilled. There was no way Haku and Zabuza was going to fail another order again.

"Let her go!" Tobi commanded, but they paid him no heed.

"There is no way I'm letting her embarrass and blemish our clan's name again!" growled Itachi, pulling out dango to eat. Itachi ate a lot when he was nervous or upset, this was happening a lot more often since Deidara became a part of the Uchiha clan.

"Watch your blood pressure ni-san. Remember what Sakura said, if you continue to eat like this..." said Sasuke.

"Didn't I tell you to go on a diet?" asked Sakura. "At your age if you continue to ignore your health like that..."

"Shut up!" Itachi yelled, swallowing an entire stick of dango in one gulp without swallowing.

* * *

Deidara was trapped in a room once again. He groaned in utter despair, he had failed to get the Proof of Authority. Worse yet the room he was in was heavy guarded. Locks bounded the closed the way out, plus Haku and Zabuza were outside, given orders to immobilize him were he to attempt escape.

'_I failed my friends…will it be better if I just leave this world behind, hmm_?' wondered Deidara.

Haku's eyes widened in horror, "Do you hear that Zabuza-sama?"

"It can't be, is she attempting suicide?!"

Haku hurriedly picked the locks with his needles, "We received orders to immobilize her but she is still the wife of the heir to the Uchiha clan. We can't let her die!"

The sound of choked breaths gasping for air became louder. When they finally opened the door they came face to face…with a clay bird?

"Katsu!" The force of the explosion caused Zabuza to fly back and hit a wall, Haku suffered the same fate and crashed into Zabuza. Both of them passed out. '_Good 'ol mouth hands_.' smiled Deidara, his mouth hands stopped making fake choking sounds. '_Now, which way was it to the auction again_?'

* * *

"…for a better future." said Pein, completing his speech. "Now I would like to call to the stage Itachi Uchiha, let us bless the Uchiha clan and hope for its revival someday." everyone clapped politely. Itachi stood up and was about to walk up to the stage, until Deidara appeared behind him.

"Surprised to see me, hmm?" Deidara laughed.

"What happened to the guards?!"

* * *

Zabuza regained consciousness first and was not happy to find himself bound to Haku. It was not back-to-back tied up either, it was more like tied up facing each other awkwardly tied up.

"Haku? Haku! Wake up!" said Zabuza.

"What happened?"

"She tricked us, all I remember seeing is a clay bird. Come on help me undo these ropes."

Haku bit onto a loose piece of bandage that covered Zabuza's face and pulled. Slowly the bandages slipped off to reveal Zabuza's shark teeth. It was slow progress but progress, Zabuza began biting away at the ropes...

* * *

"What the-?" Itachi gasped, taking a step forward, but when he did a tear appeared in his pants since Deidara's foot was on top of it. The force he used to move resulted in the rip appearing. "Curse you!" he wailed. " I can't go up looking like this!"

"What are you doing here, Deidara-chan?" asked Tobi.

"What happened to your pants ni-san?" said Tobi, noticing the easy to spot tear in Itachi's pants.

"Your wife…" grumbled Itachi, grabbing Tobi's collar. "Get me another pair of pants NOW or I'll disown you both!" he threatened.

Tobi left quickly, knowing Itachi was serious.

"What am I going to do now?" frowned Itachi.

"I would like to make a speech, un." Itachi's grip on Deidara's arm tightened. "Girl, if you dare make a fool out of me or the Uchiha clan again…I will personally see to your death." He activated his Sharingan threateningly. Deidara rolled his eyes, ignoring Itachi's threat. Deidara made his way to the stage, and began his speech.

"When I first heard of the Uchiha clan I thought they were rich snobs…I still do, un…" The audience laughed.

"What is she doing?!" Itachi said, trying to get out of his seat. "Let her speak." said Sasuke, keeping Itachi from leaving his seat.

"…but they aren't all bad. At first I thought Itachi was a manipulative and conniving WEASEL that didn't think of his brother's wishes but his own. He arranged a marriage between me and Tobi in hopes of reviving the Uchiha clan." continued Deidara. '_Like that's ever going to happen_.' he thought.

"But all Itachi really wanted was to grant his dead parent's wish, to have grandchildren, un. Even now I am wearing this dress in his mother's memory…" Itachi's eyes began to well up again, he didn't seem to mind being called a conniving weasel…sort of.

"…and Sakura? You're lucky to land a husband like Sasuke, yeah. Hopefully you two will revive the Uchiha clan…" '_Since it's impossible for Tobi and I_.'

Itachi looked at Sasuke and Sakura hopefully, the both of them turned red. "…the rest of this speech is dedicated to my husband, yeah! This is what I really think of you Tobi! Of course he might not hear this since he is getting another pair of pants for Itachi."

"Since Itachi accidentally ripped his pants." Deidara said in a lower voice. The audience heard anyway and laughed again. Itachi clenched his fists and looked at the dango stick in his hand. Could it be deployed as a flying projectile? Itachi was willing to try.

"Tobi this is what I really think of you, un…" But before Deidara could continue his speech two guards appeared on the stage to display the item being auctioned. One of the seven swordsman of the mist village's swords, the Samehada.

"Tobi can be…"

"We are sorry, Itachi-sama!" apologized Haku hurrying up to the stage.

"We let her escape!" said Zabuza. The two of them seized Deidara.

"It's alright." said Itachi as another voice from above was heard.

"I have come to claim my prize!" The owner of the voice jumped down onto the stage, and landed perfectly on his feet, creating quite an entrance.

"Guards, after him!" commanded Konan, she was worried about Pein since he was on the stage.

"I suspected as much that you would show up, Madara…" said Pein, taking on a fighting stance.

The man clad in samurai armor, wearing an orange mask, known as Madara began to laugh. "Yes…how long has it been since I've crashed another one of your little parties?"

Guards swarmed the stage, trying to protect Pein. Haku flung a few needle at Madara but he dodged easily or they hit his armor harmlessly.

'_Chance_!' thought Deidara, he would take this distraction caused by Madara as a chance to try and steal the Proof of Authority again.

Meanwhile the audience suffered from mass pandemonium, everyone was trying to run away.

"We have to go!" panicked Itachi, grabbing Sasuke and Sakura. "What about Deidara?" asked Sakura.

"She can take care of herself!" yelped Itachi as a shuriken narrowly missed his eyes..

"How about Tobi?" asked Sasuke, but Itachi wasn't listening. The place was starting to become a battlefield with all the kunai and shurikens flying back and forth. Zabuza held an offensive stance and faced Madara, who despite the guards still somehow managed to nab the Samehada. Madara had easily defeated any guards that challenged him but Zabuza was different.

Deidara crept closer and finally it was in his grasp, the Proof of Authority. Pein looked down in disdain, "What are you doing?"

Deidara released it, and backed away sheepishly, "I was just…er, dusting you off to see if your hurt or not…yeah." Before Pein could respond the fight between Madara and Zabuza somehow managed to slice the beams holding up the stage. The whole place came crashing down. Konan got up on the stage and tackled Pein, getting him out of harm's way, likewise Haku did the same with Zabuza.

"Crap!" swore Madara as he saw a piece of debris land on Deidara. When the smoke cleared neither he nor Deidara was there anymore.

* * *

Author's Notes: Cliffhanger Summoning Jutsu! This chapter is really long so there may be mistakes, sorry.

The nostalgia part? In Naruto there were these episodes where Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were trying to steal bells from Kakashi. Sasuke got owned and pulled into the ground so Sakura saw his head and thought it was cut off. It's the same here except with Deidara.

I made Deidara wear a random dress. Why? Because designing random outfits for everone is fun. Expect more of this in later chapters.

Why can Madara wield the Samehada with out having his hands sliced up? I don't know, he wears gloves? This is AU so stuff are different. Everyone probably can already guess who Madara is without me telling them...

For once in this chapter I'm not blaming Sasori...

By the way, 'Itachi' means weasel in Japanese.

Once again, please review!


	4. Tobi is Tied up? Blame Deidara!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I decided to put some ramen in his tank, it turns out goldfish don't like ramen…

* * *

Deidara groaned in pain as he regained consciousness and studied his surroundings, he appeared to be in an abandoned inn. He blushed ferociously as he realized the top half of his outfit was unbuttoned. Not only that but there was a man lying on top of him…bandaging his wounds…?

Deidara released another moan, '_Now I know where the pain comes from…yeah_.' thought Deidara, looking at his blood covered chest. The orange mask wearing man sighed in content as he finished bandaging Deidara's wounds. He poked the tongue on Deidara's chest curiously, "Why are you wearing female clothing?"

Deidara buttoned up his outfit again and pushed Madara away.

"That's none of your business and you shouldn't have looked, un." Deidara mumbled angrily glaring at the samurai armor wearing man. Deidara's complexion did not return to normal, on the contrary he grew more red with every passing moment. He cringed as he made a pained effort to stand up. "Don't move. You're still injured." worried Madara, helping Deidara to his feet. "Thank y-" but Madara placed a gloved finger against his lips. "Hold still. There's no need to thank me."

"But I have a favor to ask of you, un."

Madara grew alert, "And that would be…?"

"There is something I wish to confide with you. From a rogue ninja to a rogue ninja…hmm?"

'_Sh-he's a rogue ninja_!' thought Madara in alarm.

"Please steal the Proof of Authority for me!"

"I can't help you."

"Please!" begged Deidara, returning to his knees. His wounds reopened.

"Stop! You're injured!" panicked Madara, embracing Deidara warily. "Don't move…"

"I saw the skill with which you stole the Samehada, un. This should be no problem for you. You're the only one to steal from the king and still live." Deidara blushed, playing with his hair nervously. "I'm one of your biggest fans. The truth is I'm a thief. By accident I became Tobi Uchiha's bride when the real one ran away…"

'_Well that explains a lot…_' thought Madara.

"But now my friends have been captured and the only way to save them is to get the Proof of Authority,…yeah. They have been my friends for a long time…we were all orphans and alone. We met, and banded together to steal what we could to survive…I don't want to lose them, un." Deidara got to his knees again, "So please, please help me! You're the most skilled and legendary of rogue ninjas…" Deidara blushed again, "I've always admired you…"

The next thing Deidara saw before he passed out was Madara's orange mask. The last thing he heard was, "I'm so sorry…"

* * *

"I got it. Just like you asked."

"Good work, Tobi…you're a good boy." said the white side of a strange black and white faced man that resembled a plant.

Madara removed his mask and handed the Samehada over. The coal haired man's handsome features were curled up in a scowl. One of his eyes were covered by a scar but the other one that still worked glinted with malice. "Zetsu-san, remember what we talked about?"

"**Right. I can't call you by your real name**." apologized the dark side.

"But…aren't you upset?" questioned the white side.

"About what? The fact my wife is a guy and a thief?" said Tobi with obvious sarcasm.

"So you aren't mad? You got cheated out of a real wife. My sources know the current location of the real Ino Yamanaka. It seems that she ran away with Sai. But all I have to do is ask a few of my friends to return a few favors they owe me. By the end of the week they will have tracked her down and then…"

"There's no need to."

"**Are you sure**?"

"I think I got the better end of the bargain if you ask me…"

"You rather have that DUDE?"

"If Ino is happy with Sai so be it. I wouldn't want to ruin their happiness. Besides, I'm perfectly content with playing with Deidara." Tobi placed his mask back on. "It's okay if sh-he keeps secrets away from me. After all he's not the only one keeping a secret. When we were married we vowed that we would accept each other's flaws…no matter what they might be…"

* * *

"Ow." Another needle was inserted. "Ow." Then another. "Ow!"

"Will you stop moving so much?" sighed Haku, who was attempting acupuncture on Zabuza's back.

"But it hurts!"

"Don't be such a baby!" scoffed Haku.

"I brought some medicine." Haku turned around and spotted Sakura who had just entered with a basket full of medicine.

"Sakura-san?" said Haku. "There is no need to. We who failed the Uchiha clan deserves not medicine nor mercy." Haku said sadly.

"Nonsense. You two have loyally served the clan for quite some time."

"Haku, you should have saved Deidara-san from harm. Why did you push me out of harm's way?" growled Zabuza.

"Hey! Don't blame Haku!" shouted Sakura.

"No. Zabuza-san is right, if only I had…now Deidara-san is missing. Who knows what happened to her?"

'_Even thought now we serve the Uchiha clan I still haven't changed my thoughts…in my mind the one I feel I still have to protect is Zabuza-sama_…' thought Haku. '_Why is that so? I feel he is still the one most important to me…_'

Sasuke appeared besides Sakura, "You don't think Madara could have…?"

"I'm home, un!"

Sasuke and Sasuke gasped, that 'un' sounded familiar.

"Deidara-chan!" squealed Tobi in glee, trapping Deidara in a hug the moment he entered the house. Deidara cringed, his injuries hurt. Nonetheless he hugged Tobi back.

"Are you alright?" asked Tobi.

"Yes." Deidara lied.

"Thank goodness." sighed Haku in relief. "Come. We must report to Itachi-san." said Haku, grabbing Zabuza's arm. Zabuza was in pain but didn't show it. Haku must have cracked at least a bone or two when he tackled Zabuza. Sasuke and Sakura followed them so they too could report to Itachi.

Tobi and Deidara were the only ones left in the room, "So what happened? You were gone for quite a while…" Tobi tried to say nonchalantly.

"I met Madara, un."

"That scoundrel! That villain? He's been causing problems for the Uchiha military police force for quite a while now. Somehow he manages to defeat our finest…"

"You won't catch him…" Deidara said dreamily. "He's too good for that…yeah."

"He's an outlaw, a outcast of society…" continued Tobi, listing off insults to Madara. "You're lucky you escaped. Who knows what someone like that would do…he didn't do anything to you did he!"

Deidara got mad, "Well at least he was better than you. He may even be the reason I'm still alive right now, un. While Madara saved me from being flattened, what were you doing, hmm? Getting a pair of pants for Itachi!" Deidara socked Tobi in the shoulders.

"Stupid idiot! Stupid useless husband!"

"Baka!" yelled Deidara, storming out of the room. "Don't you dare insult Madara!" Tobi chased after Deidara but he was too slow so Deidara locked himself in the bedroom and locked Tobi out.

"Let me in…"

"Hmm? No way!"

"I didn't mean to be insulting. Just don't see him again."

"Why?"

"You can't trust a thief like him. What if something happens to you?"

'_Can't trust a thief hmm_? _Too late. I think he may have already stolen my heart_.' thought Deidara.

"Okay. I won't try to see him again." lied Deidara, opening the door. "It's getting late… we should turn in for the night, hmm?"

Deidara lied besides Tobi on the bed. "Just don't try anything funny, un."

Tobi was once again disappointed but nonetheless he respected Deidara's wishes. Tobi knew of Deidara's injuries so he simply caressed Deidara's body to make him more comfortable. Deidara sighed happily as Tobi's gentle hands massaged his body's aching injuries. Deidara snuggled closer to him.

"Is that better?"

"Yeah." replied Deidara. Tobi planted a kiss on Deidara's cheek but Deidara didn't mind, he had already fallen asleep.

* * *

Deidara woke up, expecting Tobi to be besides him but to his disappointment Tobi had probably already woke up earlier and left the room. Deidara got out of bed and changed into a simple tangerine colored dress. He carefully removed and disposed of his bandages, but looking at the bandages reminded Deidara of Madara. He had to see him again. Suddenly he heard a knock on the door.

"Deidara-chan? Are you awake?" It sounded like Sakura.

Deidara opened the door. It opened to reveal Sakura, who appeared wearing a pink dress decorated with a pattern of red cherries and blossoms. Sasuke was besides her wearing a blue outfit with a similar design, except it was the male version decorated with a pattern of blue lighting and blue jays.

"Oh, good. You're already dressed." smiled Sakura. "We're going out to a restaurant for breakfast." said Sasuke. "I think it was called 'Sarutobi's'. "

"That's right. It was Sasuke's idea. We can't eat at home all the time." Sakura started to speak in a lower voice, "The chefs are spoiling Itachi-san, all that dango can't be good for his health."

"That's true, yeah." agreed Deidara, wondering how Itachi failed to gain any weight at all. He walked out of the room and looked around for Tobi.

He found Tobi eventually, struggling to control Itachi. "Nooo! I don't want to go out. I want my dango!" yelled Itachi, throwing a tantrum.

"Is that how the head of the Uchiha clan is supposed to act, hmm?" said Deidara. Itachi immediately regained his composure in front of Deidara.

"I take it you saw my true self clearly?" muttered Itachi darkly.

Deidara examined Tobi's outfit, it was a flaming red color, decorated with swirling shapes resembling a phoenix in flight, dancing around a fox with multiple tails. The red color only reminded Deidara of the color of Madara's armor.

"Fine, I'll go to the restaurant." sighed Itachi. '_It better have dango or I'll pluck the eyes out of the fool who dared plan this_!' thought Itachi.

Itachi, Deidara, Tobi, Sakura, and Sasuke all arrived at the restaurant and sat down. The trouble began when the menus were passed out.

"There's no dango!" shrieked Itachi, he was not the only one with a problem having to do with the menu.

Deidara looked at the characters on the menu, he couldn't read anything!

"I'll have what he's having…yeah." said Deidara, pointing at Tobi. The truth was Deidara didn't know how to write any characters at all, the only thing he could read was 'no.'

"Oyster." Tobi told the waitress, a blond girl that remarkably resembles Deidara…except with facial hair!

"Cherry pie." said Sakura.

"How can you stand something so sweet?" gagged Sasuke. "I'll have lobster."

"You can stand me." retorted Sakura.

"You're an exception…" Sasuke smirked, kissing Sakura on the lips. "You do taste sweet…"

"I want dango!" pouted Itachi. He was glad he didn't eat yet or he'll spew out his guts because of the public displays of affection happening around him.

By a nearby table…

"This is so romantic Naruto-kun…"

"But this place doesn't serve ramen…believe it. Um…Hinata?"

"What?"

"If I kiss you again will you not pass out for once?"

Hinata didn't get a chance to respond because Naruto's lips blocked out any noise that came from her lips. Obviously she passed out again.

"Aw, geez…not again."

By another table…

"Waiter, there is a fly in my soup." complained a black haired man with dark glasses on.

"Shino, you placed that there yourself!" scolded the the previous speaker's father.

"Oh yeah…"

By the restaurant counter…

"Can't you read the sign!" yelled a woman with long black hair and a red and white outfit. Her outburst was aimed at a man with black hair holding a cigarette. "It says **No Smoking **and you're the owner of this restaurant for goodness sake! At least be a good example towards the customers!"

"Sorry Kurenai-chan." The man laughed nervously, snuffing out his cigarette. Later he just pulled out another one when she wasn't looking.

"Oh no, it's them again. Suigetsu and Juugo…" realized Kurenai looking in the direction of the fish tanks.

"Wish fish shoo we eat toodei?" (Which fish should we eat today?) Suigetsu stuck his head into the tank and took a huge drink of water. "Ahh, das etter." (Ahh, that's better.)

"A crab? No, a lobster. No, a crab. No, crab definitely crab…but then again. Lobster or crab…?" said Juugo, talking to himself.

"Asuma, stop them!"

"Back way from those fish tanks!" yelled Asuma, attaching his choice weapons to his knuckles.

"Crap, they spotted us!" panicked Suigetsu, dragging Juugo out of Sarutobi's restaurant. Juugo was still mumbling, "Crab or lobster? Lobster or crab? Lobster, definitely lobster, but then again…"

Back to Itachi and the waitress…

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have dango." apologized the waitress, stroking her beard nervously.

"That's a nice painting. It's art, yeah." said Deidara, pointing at a painting that decorated the restaurant. He tried to change the topic so Itachi wouldn't cause a scene.

"You have good taste." the waitress smiled, looking at the black and white phoenix painting Deidara had pointed out, "It was painted by my husband…"

"I want dango!" Itachi yelled louder.

"Is something the matter, dear?" The voice came from a black haired youth with a mustache who appeared besides the waitress.

He plastered on a fake smile and grinned at Itachi, "Is something not to your liking sir?"

"Yes, your restaurant doesn't serve dango!" grumbled Itachi. '_What is it with the waiters around here? Is it me or everyone has facial hair? Must be one of those new teen trends and crazes I know nothing about_…'

The man twirled his mustache around his index finger inquisitively. "Hmm, I think I know the solution…"

He pulled out some ink and a scroll, in a matter of seconds he had painted a picture of dango onto the scroll. He handed it over to Itachi. "Here's your dango."

At first Itachi was speechless, he knew he was beat. Technically he had just been handed dango. When Itachi found his voice he said, "Never mind, I'll just have shark fin soup."

"Thank you for handling that!" squealed the waitress, hugging the still fake smiling man.

"You're welcome." said the man, for a moment his smile became real, but only for her.

The two left for the kitchen to cook the food that was ordered. While they were waiting for the food to come they chatted to pass the time.

Itachi took a sip of tea, "So have you two done it yet?" He looked at Tobi and Deidara.

"Done what, hmm?" asked a confused Deidara.

Tobi whispered a few words into Deidara's ear, causing him to spit out the tea he was drinking. "You want us to what!"

Itachi scoffed, "How else do you think the Uchiha clan is supposed to be revived?"

"I'm not ready…" blushed Deidara.

"Let's not talk about this ni-san. It's making hi-her uncomfortable." said Tobi.

"It's ready!" smiled the blond waitress, her smile was reminiscent of her husband's, so fake. She placed the food they had ordered onto the table and walked away.

Sasuke snatched the cherry pie away before Sakura had a chance to take a bite.

"Hey!"

"I'm not giving it back, the only way you can taste it is…" Sasuke took a bite out of the pie. "…though my mouth."

Sakura didn't hesitate to kiss Sasuke and get that pie out of his mouth the hard way, by using her own.

Itachi looked at his shark fin soup in disdain, what could have possibility possessed him to order such a dish? He felt a little _blue_.

Deidara looked at the dish of oysters unhappily, he still didn't know what utensils to use. Tobi noticed his hesitation.

"Don't worry. You can use your hands."

Deidara smiled and sampled some of the oysters. The smile disappeared as his feature contorted into a frown. Deidara began to pass out from lack of oxygen, his throat was closing up!

"Deidara!" yelled Tobi in panic as he saw his wife pass out.

* * *

Deidara woke up groggily, "What happened, hmm?'

He could hear voice.

"…allergic to oysters. Luckily I had allergy medicine available." It sounded like Sakura.

"…if it wasn't for Tobi's quick thinking." Another voice, probably Sasuke. "What happened?" Deidara asked again. He gagged a little. Deidara could still taste oysters, and something else that tasted better but he could not identify. He didn't know it was orange lollipop.

"You're awake." grinned Tobi, placing a hand upon Deidara's forehead.

"Say 'ah'!" commanded Tobi, trying to get Deidara to open his mouth. Tobi completed his analysis. "Nope, you're okay now." said Tobi, hugging Deidara tightly, bad idea, his injuries were still not entirely healed yet.

"I was so worried." said Tobi, his voice cracking.

"What the heck happened!" Deidara yelled, confused at Tobi's behavior.

"Let me explain…" said Sakura.

"But first…" interrupted Sasuke, he made hurried movements with his hands, signaling for Tobi to leave the room. "Tobi ni-san, I'd advise you to run as fast as possible." Tobi ran like hell.

"It's turns out you're allergic to oysters. So I'm afraid you can't eat them anymore, Deidara-chan." explained Sakura. Deidara nodded, this news didn't upset him, he didn't really like oysters anyway. The second piece of news surprised him more.

"When you ate the oysters your throat closed up and you passed out from shortness of breath." said Sasuke, continuing Sakura's explanation.

Sakura began to speak again, "When you passed out, Tobi- kun… preformed CPR on you."

Deidara blushed and rushed out of the room, realizing that a part of Tobi had been in his mouth.

'_What's wrong? You enjoyed the taste just moments ago before you realized what it was_…' said a little voice in his mind.

"Do you think we should have given Tobi-san more time to run?" asked Sakura.

"Nah, he's good." said Sasuke.

* * *

Deidara found Tobi covering in a corner.

"Not the face!" yelped Tobi, shielding his head.

Deidara socked Tobi in the shoulder.

"Did you enjoy that, hmm!" Deidara yelled angrily, his face red from embarrassment and anger.

"Yes."

"What did you say!"

"You asked…"

"That's it, you're sleeping on the floor again!"

"What? No thanks? I saved your life!" Tobi huffed angrily, '_Sure. When Madara saves his life he thanks him! What happens when I save his life? He hits me_?' thought Tobi.

Deidara stopped in his tracks, realizing the truth in Tobi's words, "You're right, yeah. I shouldn't be punishing you, I should be…"

"Does that mean I get to sleep with you?"

"Yes, but nothing…"

"I know. Don't try anything funny. I won't, Tobi is a good boy."

* * *

Deidara entered the room and grabbed a coil of rope hidden under the bed, "I'm not ready to got to sleep yet, un."

Deidara failed to get the Proof of Authority but he had other plans on how to bust out his friends. "We're going to play a game, yeah." said Deidara, signaling for Tobi to have a seat.

"What is it?" asked Tobi, sitting down on the bed.

"I'm going to tie you up, un." You can't struggle, that's against the rules. When I'm done tying you up you try to unbind yourself as fast as you can, yeah. Then you can tie me up and I'll try to escape. We'll compare times, hmm?"

"Okay. It sounds like fun." smiled Tobi gleefully, oblivious to Deidara's true intentions. Tobi followed the rules and didn't struggle as Deidara tied him with ropes. Deidara took his time, putting all his effort and skills to try and make sure escape was impossible for Tobi.

"I'm done, un."

"Can I try to escape now?"

"Yeah." said Deidara, beginning to imagine his plan take shape. He would use Tobi as a hostage to invade the jail, then he would negotiate Tobi's life for his friends. Tobi would be helpless, unable to interfere with Deidara's plans since he would be 'all tied up.' The sound of Tobi's voice destroyed Deidara's train of thought.

"I did it! Were you keeping track? It was ten seconds right, or was it eleven Deidara-chan?"

Deidara looked at Tobi in disbelief, it was true. He had broken free and the ropes were lying harmlessly on the floor.

"That was simple, were you being easy on me?" asked Tobi. "Oh well. Now it's my turn." smirked Tobi, picking the rope up from the floor.

"I don't want to play the game anymore, un." laughed Deidara nervously, backing away from Tobi. Tobi blocked Deidara's path, keeping him from leaving.

"Don't struggle, it's against the rules…"

* * *

Deidara struggle for a full five minutes and still made no progress to free himself. Tobi finally pitied him and undid his handiwork. "Ow." complained Deidara, there were new bruises on his body from where the ropes grated his skin. It added to the injuries he already had from the incident with the stage.

'_What am I doing_?' thought Tobi. '_Deidara is already hurt yet I'm still hurting him for my own amusement? Tobi is being a bad boy_!'

"Looks like I win." said Tobi, tucking in himself in besides Deidara.

"Yeah." muttered Deidara grudgingly, sinking deeper into the sheets. Other than that he ignored Tobi. Tobi was pretty hard to ignore since, just like last night he began to massage Deidara's wounds. Deidara was surprised, although he hadn't told Tobi where his injuries were Tobi still managed to go to the right places. Deidara fell asleep once again and like last time Tobi kissed him. Tobi was more daring this time though and kissed Deidara full on the lips. That night Deidara dreamt of orange lollipops.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Oh no! Deidara has a crush on Madara! Tobi has competition…not!

Tobi is not upset to find out Deidara is a guy. On the contrary he wants to keep his toy and is even more affectionate toward Deidara!

Lots of DeiTobi in this chapter, AKA my stupid excuse so Tobi can perform CPR on Deidara. I even have them playing with ropes…that creates some images. Deidara's tying skills fail, silly Deidara of course he can't tie up Madara successfully…not that he knows Tobi is Madara, yet...

How long will it be before Deidara finds out they are the same person? We'll see…

Deidara couldn't tell Madara was Tobi because Tobi disguised his voice or it sounds muffled because of the mask…yeah.

Yes, Itachi loves dango! I started thinking that after I saw this one Naruto episode in where Itachi and Kisame were drinking tea and eating dango. It was Naruto episode 81 and in it Sasuke also mentions he hates sweets, hence his dislike (like?) for cherry pie.

When Itachi says he'll pluck out the eyes of who planned of going to the restaurant, AKA Sasuke, it is a reference to the Naruto manga. This is a spoiler because Itachi admits he needs Sasuke's eyes around Chapter 386 of the Naruto manga. I also took a direct quote from that chapter, "I take it you saw my true self clearly?" is something he actually says to Sasuke in the manga. Of course it maybe different if you read a translation that differs from what I read but what Itachi said should be basically similar even if the translations are a little different.

Sarutobi is the name of the Third Hokage, did you know he opened a restaurant? Well in this AU he did and he passed away so now Asuma, his son, and his son's wife, Kurenai owns it. Asuma and Kurenai were kind enough to hire Sai and Ino and give them disguises…no matter how ridiculous the disguises may be. Sai has a fake mustache and Ino a fake beard! At least the disguises work. Sai and Ino! Incognito! It rhymes…

Luckily Itachi just thinks it's just a crazy teenager fad.

Shark fin soup is a reference to that fact that in the actual Naruto anime/manga Kisame is Itachi's Akatsuki partner. Itachi feels _blue_ for some reason.

If you don't know who Juugo and Suigetsu are then you should probably catch up on the manga. They are part of Sasuke's new team 'Hebi'(Means snake in Japanese).

'Baka' means idiot in Japanese but most of you probably already know that since it's said a billion times in anime.

Sakura's dress was decorated with cherry blossoms because that's what her name means. Sasuke's clothes was inspired by his Chidori, its' element is lightning hence the blue lightning. The blue jays are there because 'Chidori' means thousand birds. Yes, I'm influenced often by birds like phoenixes and blue jays, the works. Itachi also happens to interest me because of his crows.

You know the drill, please review! My chapters keep on getting longer...


	5. Deidara is Aroused? Blame Madara!

Disclaimer: Naruto bu shi wo de. Translated from Chinese to English it would mean Naruto is not mine!

* * *

For a change the next morning Deidara woke up first and snuck out to the second hideout. "Sasori-no-danna? Are you there, hmm?" asked Deidara warily, but Sasori, if he was there, did not answer. Deidara entered the cave since he thought he saw something,

He screamed…like a little girl, causing a few bats to wake up and fly out of the cave in frantic haste. There was a human hanging from a noose. Upon further inspection however Deidara realized that it was just a puppet. It was a sign, they had discussed this before. It could only mean one thing, Sasori had been captured!

"Who's going to teach me how to write and read now, hmm?!" Deidara moaned unhappily. Of course there was one other person though…

* * *

"Another prisoner." said the guard monotonously, he opened the door and pushed a red haired man in. "So you got captured too, Sasori?"

Sasori looked at his surroundings and spotted Hidan.

"Figures you'd get all the luck. How long have you been running around screaming like a girl until you got captured? No wait. Let me guess, you have been hiding under the bed away from the swary guards until you decided to come out?" Hidan said mockingly.

"If had tried to fight I would have died! At least I didn't get captured immediately!" retorted Sasori. "Besides, where's Kakuzu?"

Hidan pointed at the far end of the jail cell, but not with his index finger. "He's over there."

Sasori suddenly spotted Kakuzu who seemed to be…gambling?

Kakuzu snatched money from a woman who appeared to be a jail guard by sticking his hands through the jail bars. "Pay up." he demanded.

The jail guard appeared to be a disgruntled woman with blond hair and a diamond on her forehead.

"Tsunade-sama, are you gambling with the inmates again?!" said a dark haired woman who was holding a pig wearing a pearl necklace.

"I swear this is the last time, Shizune!" said the blond woman nervously, her fingers were actually crossed behind her back.

"Remember what happened last time?"

"Right. The inmates almost escaped because I was passed out drunk on sake because I was challenged to a drinking contest…Aw, come on! I could have gotten 1,000 ryo if I had won!"

Shizune tapped her foot impatiently. Tsunade reluctantly stepped away from Kakuzu, "Just you wait, I'll get back my ryo!"

Kakuzu wasn't listening, he was too busy counting his money.

"Hey Kakuzu! You lazy ass, we're in jail and you can only think about money? Sasori is here!"

Kakuzu looked in Hidan's direction, "Sasori? So you got captured too?" He walked over to them. "You were always the smarter one. Even when you joined us you were always reluctant…"

Flashback

"I don't know how to break this to you…but your parents are dead."

Sasori's amber colored eyes began to fill with tears. "No…I want mom and dad."

"They died in the war…but don't worry! Once you're in the orphanage you'll meet new friends or maybe a nice family will adopt you!" The strangers smiled with fake sincerity.

"No…No. No!" Sasori yelled, struggling to break free, but heartless hands carried him to the orphanage so he could begin a new part of his life.

* * *

Sasori studied his new quarters in disdain. The orphanage was a filthy place and very rundown. The room he had to stay in was small and confining. Two bunk beds were the room's only furniture. He could hear his three roommates deep in conversation at a corner of the room, they were ignoring him. He decided to eavesdrop.

"After everyone is asleep we'll raid the kitchen, yeah!"

"Why? It's just full of inedible crap, crap like the stuff they feed us."

"We're being heard." growled Kakuzu, turning around to glare at Sasori.

"Crap. The new guy is going to probably narc on us." Hidan pulled out a sharp pike he had stashed under his bed. "Should I spill out his guts?"

"Give him a chance, un!" protested Deidara.

"I don't see how he's valuable." said Kakuzu, as if he was talking about money.

"I wasn't talking to you guys!" Hidan looked up at the ceiling where Sasori was standing. There was a triangle and a circle…hopefully it was painted out with red paint.

"Should I spill out his guts, Jashin-sama?"

Sasori backed away from the circle warily.

"My name is Sasori. Nice to…meet you?"

"I'm Deidara, un. That's Kakuzu."

Then Deidara pointed at Hidan, who was sharpening his pike. "…and that's Hidan…yeah. Got it memorized, hmm?"

"You guys were talking about stealing. Isn't that wrong and illegal?"

"I told you he was going to narc on us."

"Here." said Deidara. He handed Sasori a clay bird. "A welcoming present…keep it with you at all times, un."

Kakuzu and Hidan nodded their heads slowly, the moment Sasori tries to tell on them they knew what would happen.

"Thanks. This is a nice sculpture…of a squirrel? I'm glad at least one of my roommates is a talented…girl?"

"He's at his limit." Kakuzu and Hidan said simultaneously.

"Katsu!"

* * *

At lunch everyone was staring at Sasori's soot covered face. Sasori looked at his meal in disdain. The glop looked like regurgitated barf, and tasted ten times worse! Sasori pushed away the dish in disdain, but he couldn't ignore the stuff for long. Not when Deidara threw some into his hair!

"Food fight, yeah!"

Sasori fought back and sent some 'food' flying…into Hidan.

"WTF?!" yelled Hidan, sending a projectile of his own. "Eat this!"

It landed perfectly onto…the money Kakuzu was counting?! Kakuzu lowered the currency that had shielded his face warily, then in a rage he detached one of his hands The hand grabbed Hidan's head, twisted it right off and then dunked it into a bowl of 'food!' By now all the other orphans had noticed the commotion the food fight turned into a full fledged war!

* * *

Hidan swore several obscenities as he wiped 'food' off his face. Likewise everyone else was trying to get 'food' off.

"What a waste of food and money." mumbled Kakuzu.

"What are you eating?" said Sasori suspiciously, looking at Deidara, who appeared to be devouring something.

Sasori peeked over Deidara's shoulder, "Is that CLAY?"

Deidara swallowed quickly, "No…I mean yeah…"

"I want to steal."

"Hmm?"

"I want to raid the kitchen with you guys."

* * *

Kakuzu stumbled around in the dark for the switch, "Watch your step." he warned.

"Aw, f-" but the rest of Hidan's swear was covered by the sound of clattering pans.

"You idiot!" yelled Kakuzu, trying to find some place to hide. The sound of approaching footsteps were heard. Sasori quickly dragged Deidara into a pantry closet. They only dared to move after they heard the footsteps retreat. Deidara was stuck in a closet with Sasori!

He began to tug at the door knob in alarm, "Why won't this door open, hmm?!" Deidara tugged harder. "Nooo! I don't want to be stuck in a closet with you, un!"

"Deidara?"

Deidara ignored Sasori and tugged harder.

"Deidara?"

Deidara continued to ignore him.

"Deidara?!"

"What is it, hmm?!"

"Can't you read?"

"Hmm?"

"It says PUSH not PULL." explained Sasori, pointing at a sign by the door.

"Oh." said Deidara sheepishly, pushing the door open. By the time they returned to the room Hidan and Kakuzu were already there.

"You guys didn't get into trouble, hmm?" asked Deidara.

"Nope. As long as Kakuzu promises not to sue their asses for this." said Hidan, pointing at the kitchen knife protruding from his sides. He took the knife out and examined it's blood covered edges, only to stick it back into himself. "Aahhh…"

"Sasori, are you coming with us?" asked Kakuzu.

"To where?"

"We're blowing this dump, yeah." explained Deidara.

"You're going to blow this place up?!"

"Deidara meant that we were going to leave." explained Kakuzu.

"Or do you plan to stay in this orphanage forever, living off this crap?" asked Hidan, taking a stray piece of 'food' out of his hair.

"I'm leaving with you guys."

End Flashback

"Of course I was hesitant! Do you remember the stuff we did?" scoffed Sasori.

"We did pull some stunts we should be effing ashamed of…" admitted Hidan. "And yet we did it anyway to survive on the streets…"

Flashback

_Medical Scam:_

"Please sir? Won't you spare some money, hmm? Our friend needs medical attention but we can't afford it, yeah."

"Where is your friend?"

Sasori and Deidara both pointed at Hidan, who must have bleed out at least a gallon of blood. He would be okay though, despite the blade coming out of his chest!

"OMG! You better get your friend some medical attention quick, miss!"

The nameless victim of the scam placed a bundle of cash into Deidara's hand.

"See? I'm not the only one that can mistake you for as girl." muttered Sasori softly enough for Deidara not to hear.

_Medical Scam Version Two:_

"Please Madam? Won't you spare some money? Our friend needs medical attention but we can't afford it."

"Where is your friend?"

Sasori and Deidara pointed at Kakuzu, who was holding one of his multiple hearts in his hand.

"He needs heart surgery." explained Sasori.

The lady fainted dead away.

"I got it, un." declared Deidara, taking her purse.

_The Escape 'Artist':_

"Are they securely tied?"

"Yes, sir. It will be the last time those thieves cause trouble."

"…you idiot! These aren't people, they're puppets!"

"What?!"

End Flashback

"Aw, yeah. We did such crap back then." said Hidan.

"We still do." scoffed Kakuzu. "Because of that Deidara is now who knows where?"

Hidan and Kakuzu turned to look at Sasori.

"Deidara is…married."

"What?"

"WTF?"

Sasori explained what had happened as best as he could.

"You told him to go back?!" said Kakuzu in disbelief.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time but now I'm not sure…"

"Nothing good comes out of Deidara in disguise as a girl, don't you remember what happened last time?"

"Damn it. Of course I remember. You guys came to save me…" groaned Hidan.

Flashback

"Hidan got captured, hmm?" gasped Deidara in surprise.

"By the police?" asked Sasori.

"It was accidental. Hidan passed out from lack of blood after doing another one of his stupid rituals. The police didn't get him though…" explained Kakuzu. "Something worse, they placed him back in the orphanage!"

"If we go back they might recognize us…yeah." groaned Deidara.

"I have an idea but we must hurry." said Sasori. '_I hope someone else doesn't get to Hidan before we do._' he thought.

"Kakuzu! Stop moving, hmm?" How did I let you talk me into this, hmm?" grumbled Deidara, glaring at Sasori. Sasori appeared taller that usual since he was actually using wooden stilts under his large overcoat.

"Just bear with this…they are almost back." A secretary returned with a huge stack of papers. "Okay madam, all you have to do is sign these documents and the adoption process will be complete."

"I'm not a girl, un!" yelled Deidara.

"Must be that time of the month." laughed Sasori nervously. "She doesn't know what she's saying…"

"Miss, we can't let you adopt Hidan if you have anger management issues." said the secretary. '_Why would they want to adopt Hidan anyway_?' thought the secretary. '_He's a horrible child. He's always stabbing himself or the other children…and the obscenities he would spout out_!'

"There's also the matter of the adoption fee…" said the secretary.

"There's a fee?!" yelled Kakuzu, standing straight up. This caused Deidara, who was riding on his shoulder to fall.

"…there won't be a fee." continued the secretary. '_Because the orphanage wants to get rid of Hidan badly_.'

When Deidara fell off Kakuzu's shoulders he crashed into Sasori who fell of his stilts, causing everyone's disguises to be undone.

"What is going on?!" shouted the secretary in alarm. A muffled noise was heard behind the door leading into the room.

"I don't want to be adopted you fags!" The speaker swiftly broke down the door with a swing of his foot.

"Kakuzu…Deidara? Sasori?!" shouted Hidan in surprise at the sight of his friends sprawled on the floor.

"Katsu!" yelled Deidara, causing a hole to appear in the wall. "Run! Un!"

The four of them ran.

End Flashback

"I remember that…" Sasori laughed sheepishly. "Deidara said that was the last time he would dress up as a girl."

"Apparently it wasn't." Kakuzu scoffed.

"Dinner!" exclaimed Hidan, holding up three plates of food. "…Not this crap again! I rather eat the food back in the orphanage! We have been eating the same thing for every meal ever since we got here!" Hidan bashed his head against a wall.

"What kind of a sick person would do this to drive prisoners crazy?!" groaned Hidan, looking at the food in distaste.

"That would be Itachi." explained the ever knowledgeable Kakuzu. "It was his idea for a program to provide better nutrition for inmates."

"This doesn't look so bad." said Sasori, looking at his plate of dango.

"Just you wait." sighed Kakuzu. "I don't see how anyone can eat that stuff for every meal without eventually getting sick of it…"

* * *

"Sakura-chan, can I have some medicine?"

"Sure, Tobi-kun. Help yourself, what do you need?"

Sakura turned around only to discover Tobi had left as quickly as he had entered, taking a couple containers of medicine with him.

* * *

Deidara knew he shouldn't be defying Tobi's orders yet there was still as part of him that wanted to see Madara again. '_Why do I have to listen to Tobi anyway, hmm_?' thought Deidara, '_Besides, not I have a valid reason to see Madara again…yeah. Tobi won't find out_.' He arrived at the abandoned inn that Madara had taken him to last time. To his surprise Madara was already there waiting for him.

"Take off your clothes." Madara demanded.

"What?!"

"Just the top part." he explained. Deidara hesitantly unbuttoned his top. Madara took out a bottle of medical lotion and began massaging it onto Deidara's back. Deidara moaned in pleasure, for some reason this reminded him of the massages Tobi gave him. Except when Madara gave one Deidara had to suppress his moans, didn't want Madara to know how aroused he was. When Madara was done Deidara hastily buttoned his outfit again. Madara took out another bottle, this time it was liquid medicine.

"Drink." he commanded.

Deidara took a sip and began to gag, "Ugh, this tastes worse than food they serve in orphanages, un. No way I'm going to drink this crap."

"Drink." Madara repeated. "Drink it…or I'll force you to."

"You can't be serious, hmm?" laughed Deidara, not taking him seriously. Before he knew it, Deidara found himself pushed to the ground, with liquid being forced down his throat. Only half of the medicine was taken in by Deidara before he realized what was happening and defiantly closed his mouth.

"Open up."

But Deidara refused and didn't even bother to utter a retort should the moment he open his mouth more liquid would be forced down. Madara found Deidara's resistance amusing but futile, he lifted his mask, but only enough so only his mouth was seen. Madara bent down and bit Deidara's lower lip, causing him to gasp in pain. When Deidara's lips parted Madara swiftly poured the rest of the medicine in. Deidara could taste several things, one was Madara, who oddly enough, tasted like an orange lollipop. Deidara was unsure though because he also tasted the medicine mixed with his own blood which came from his bleeding lips.

"That was a dirty trick, un." Deidara hissed angrily, wiping the blood off with his sleeves. A part of him feared Madara but another part reminded him of the reason why he was here.

Madara lowered the orange mask and obscured his face again. "That was for your own good. You are quite a fool though, seeking me out again. Not to mention it's problematic for me, what would people say should they see us together?"

"They would think I was cheating on my husband…yeah." realized Deidara.

"Speaking of your husband…does he know who you are?' asked Madera. "Have you told him?"

"No…"

"And why not? Should a wife not keep secrets from their husband?"

"Like that idiot will ever know. What he doesn't know can't hurt him, hmm?"

'_On the contrary I already know_.' thought Madara. '_It's only fair I guess. I'll continue playing with you if you continue to play me for a fool_.'

"You don't really think that highly of him do you?"

"I need your help, un." said Deidara, changing the topic.

"I already told you, I can't steal the Proof of Authority for you."

"I need you to teach me how to read and write…yeah." said Deidara, sounding ashamed of admitting this.

"Why not just ask your husband?"

"Will you stop talking about him?! Why do you care? If you want to talk about him so much why not just switch places with me and marry him, hmm? It's a perfect match, un! Both of you are gay retards that annoy the hell out of me!" Deidara yelled, he had no idea of the severity of what he said.

When he had calmed down he apologized. "I-I'm sorry, un. It's just that I can't tell him that. It will make everyone suspect my background, un. Everyone already knows I don't even know what utensils to use when dining. Itachi was mad about that, what happens if they find out I can't read or write, hmm?!"

'_Deidara didn't even know how to read? No wonder he was reading the menu upside down!_' thought Madara.

"I can't tell Tobi any of my secrets, un. He wouldn't understand me like you do…"

"How sure are you of that?"

"What if Tobi finds out and doesn't love me anymore, hmm?" Deidara began to cry. "I don't want to lose him because I love him too…"

'_I love Tobi…hmm_?' thought Deidara. '_When did that happen and why am I admitting it_…?' He could feel his cheeks heat up.

"Fine. I'll teach you how to read and write so stop crying…" Madara said softly, hugging Deidara against his chest. Madara almost regretted saying what he had after he heard the rest of Deidara's statement.

"I don't want to lose him because I love him too…even though sometimes he acts like he has the brains of a dissected frog, un."

* * *

"How does this look, hmm?" Madara looked at the sheet of ink covered paper Deidara held up proudly.

Luckily he wore a mask otherwise Deidara would read his expression and know he was lying when he said, "That looks…good."

"Then what does it say, hmm?"

"It says 'Deidara'?" guesses Madara.

Deidara frowned, "No, it suppose to say 'Madara'."

Deidara narrowed his eyes in a glare, "You just can't recognize art, un!" he dropped the paper and just sat there, pouting.

Madara handed him another piece of paper. "Try again, I've seen five year olds write better. Speaking of five year olds you're acting just like one. Are you just going to sit there and pout all day?"

Deidara snatched the paper and a brush, "I'll prove you wrong…yeah! I don't write like a five year old!" Deidara wrote 'Madara' again, except more legibly.

"Congratulations, you have been promoted to six year old." Madara commented, trying on purpose to annoy Deidara.

Deidara tried to stab him by using the brush as a weapon just as he had used a fork on Tobi. Unfortunately for Deidara a brush is not a good alternative weapon for a kunai. A brush is not a good weapon unless you're Sai. Deidara found himself on the ground again. Madara grabbed Deidara's wrists and caused him to drop the brush before it could do harm.

"You're trying a million years too early, _Deidara_. Did you really think you could harm me? Not with that defense, on the contrary if I wanted to I could kill you." He released his grip on Deidara's wrists.

"Try again." he demanded.

Deidara frowned, he couldn't tell if he liked the way Madara said his name without any honorifics or not. It sounded too intimate...in more ways than one.

Deidara begrudgingly took the brush again and began to write his name on the same paper he wrote Madara's.

Just as Deidara was about to finish Madara grabbed his hand to help him guide the brush. "No wonder your writing looks horrible, you're holding the brush wrong."

Deidara dropped the brush in alarm, misreading Madara grabbing his hand as a hostile move. The brush fell on the paper with a 'splat!' The ink stain caused by the fall was inbetween the name 'Madara' and 'Deidara.' Starngely enough the stain looked like a sloppily written 'X' so the paper would appear to have 'Madara x Deidara' written on it.

Deidara looked in disdain at the ruined paper. "I'm going home, un."

"So soon?"

"I have to eat dinner with my husband, yeah."

Deidara ran home as fast as he could, he wanted to get away from Madara as fast as possible. He just felt so helpless those times he was pushed against the ground.

'_Tobi is right! Madra is dangerous, un! I'll still see him anyway, I'll prove I can write better than a six year old yeah_!' he thought.

* * *

For once they didn't have to dine with the rest of the family. It was just Tobi and Deidara, and the lighted lavender scented candles which provided little light for the dimly lit room. The sat across from each other with the candles lighting up their features. The mood was supposed to be romantic yet Deidara was actually frightened. He still didn't know utensils to use and the angle of how the candle's light reached Tobi's face was…scary. Tobi was smiling, which wasn't odd, the goofball was always happy. The light just made Tobi's smile seem hungry, not for the food….but for Deidara. Deidara didn't know how else to describe it except that when Tobi looked at him he felt as if Tobi was mentally undressing him!

'_I wonder if Madara looks at me like that, hmm_?' shivered Deidara, his blushing face enhanced by the lit candles. '_But Madara wears a mask so I can't tell…un_.'

'_Deidara looks so beautiful in this light_.' thought Tobi. '_How can a guy be blessed with such a body_?' he thought remembering earlier to when he as Madara and had given Deidara a massage. '_No! Tobi can't be a bad boy. Such perverted thoughts. Think of something else…Puppies. Rainbows. Sunshine. Half naked Deidara. Damn it!_'

"I love you too." Tobi said clearly.

"Hmm? What do you mean by 'too'? When did I ever tell you that, hmm?"

"Never mind. I just felt like saying that." lied Tobi, even though the reason he admitted it was because of what Deidara had admitted to Madara earlier.

'_When did I say that, hmm_?' thought Deidara. '_I just said it that one time but Tobi couldn't have heard it…_'

Suddenly Tobi grabbed Deidara's wrists. Deidara flinched, the gesture was so familiar, he remembered what Madara did. '_Relax, un_.' Deidara thought. '_This is Tobi, not Madara…yeah. Tobi is a good boy…he won't do anything bad to me_.' Tobi controlled Deidara's hands so he now held a knife and fork. "These two utensils are for eating steak."

"Why are you doing this, hmm?"

"I'm supposed to teach you which utensils to use, remember? Or is there something else I have to teach you?"

"Oh yeah…" realized Deidara, he was tempted to say 'teach me how to read and write too' but he remembered that Tobi didn't know and it would be troublesome to tell him. Deidara had to keep up the pretense of pretending to be a well raided aristocrat with a proper education. Awkwardly Deidara began to eat the steak with the fork and knife he was given, more than once a piece of food and a drop of sauce or two dropped to the floor…or on Deidara's attire.

"You eat more sloppily that a three year old." laughed Tobi.

A vein in Deidara's head throbbed, not long ago Madara called him a six year old. Now Tobi had demoted him to three year old! It was a bad idea to let Deidara have a knife. Before the knife made contact with Tobi, he grabbed Deidara's wrist. He examined how Deidara wielded the knife with interest. "It's no wonder why the meat you cut is so jagged. You're holding the knife wrong, use the sharper edge to the cut the steak…and me if you really want to do some harm."

Deidara was really frustrated, whenever he tried to attack anyone the attack always failed. It was expected of Madara but even Tobi managed to block his movements? Deidara was also getting tired of being told he couldn't hold anything right, whether it be a brush or knife.

Tobi released Deidara's wrist and wrapped something around his neck. Deidara panicked, fearing it was a noose. It was something worse, a bib!

"I don't need a bib, un." protested Deidara.

"You have to wear it or else your clothes will get dirty." Tobi smiled and rested his head on Deidara's shoulder, whispering into his ear. "If they get any dirtier I'll take them off for you…" Tobi rubbed a little ink off Deidara's blushing face and studied Deidara's outfit, "It seems like there is more than just food all over you…"

"Where did you get this bib from, hmm?" asked Deidara, trying to change the subject so Tobi wouldn't question him about the ink.

"It used to belong to Itachi ni-san."

Figures. The bib was decorated with a picture of dango with the words 'I love dango' written across it. For the rest of the meal Deidara was every careful not to drop anymore food, much to Tobi's disappointment Deidara wasn't about to give Tobi a reason to undress him.

* * *

This routine continued for a couple of days.

Deidara would spend half his time with Madara and the other half with Tobi. Deidara quickly excelled at writing and reading, trying to impress Madera. Madara was impressed. He had to admit Deidara's calligraphy was improving. Deidara would just except the praise nonchalantly and brag that he was an artist so calligraphy was easy for him. In reality hearing Madara's voice gave Deidara butterflies, when he praised him that was another matter. Deidara would swell up with pride and grow awkward with happiness. Deidara would then do something incredibly clumsy like spill ink, causing Madara to take back the praise and scold him again. Deidara felt many feelings when he was with Madara. One he could not identify, when his heartbeat grew quicker and his cheeks glowed with the color red.

Others he could, one was admiration and the other fear. Deidara was always vary of Madara. He was dangerous, Deidara knew. Madara was easily irritable. One moment Deidara would be saying something to rouse his anger and the next Deidara would find himself trapped to the ground. His anger didn't last long however and Deidara would find himself released as quickly as he had been captured. Madara always asked from time to time if Deidara told Tobi any of his secrets yet and Deidara would say no, this caused most of his fits. Deidara never quite understood Madara's mood flashes or why what he told his husband mattered to him. In reality Tobi was simply taking his anger out on Deidara for keeping secrets from him…in a sense. One time Deidara did something astonishingly foolish.

"Have you at least told him you are seeing me?"

"Yeah." lied Deidara.

Deidara was pinned to the ground again. "I can tell you're lying. Why?"

"Because…He'll tell me to stop seeing you, un!"

"Who would you rather have? Me or him?"

"I…you…can't…don't make me chose…" Deidara felt like crying again.

Hesitantly Madara decided to let Deidara go but he had to write 'I must not lie' over and over again that day.

* * *

Deidara also learned better table manners and memorized which silverware to use. Deidara no longer needed a bib but occasionally he dropped food or smeared some on his face. Tobi never gave Deidara napkins, it was one of his greatest pleasures to lick tidbits of food off Deidara's face. He always lingered and made it all the more agonizing (pleasurable?) for Deidara. Unlike the first time Tobi attempted this, Deidara did not react as violently. On the contrary Deidara would secretly enjoyed it too. Sometimes he would purposely eat sloppily and say it was an accident just so Tobi could 'clean him up'.

This continued for a couple of days, Deidara would spend time with what he thought was two separate people when in fact Madara and Tobi were simply two sides of the same coin. This strange peace would not last though, Itachi had something to announce.

* * *

Author's Notes:

What could Itachi have to announce? Just wait until the next update!

Sorry about all those flashbacks but I just wanted to write about Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan a bit more. The flashbacks take place when they were younger and still lived in an orphanage. Deidara's illiteracy did indeed cause problems… and apparently pretending to be Tobi's bride wasn't the first time he impersonated a girl.

Sasori got captured so Deidara has no choice but to go to Madara. Tobi has to teach Deidara which utensils to use so Deidara spends equal time with each. In this chapter I made Tobi somewhat pervy, sorry. Poor Deidara. Of course there is going to be shounen ai (guy x guy)! I thought the summary was enough to warn people who hate it, for goodness sake I made Deidara get married to Tobi. Don't blame me though, blame Sasori for telling Deidara to use that disguise!

**_Please review!_**


	6. Deidara has a Dirty Dream? Blame Madara!

Disclaimer: It's just like past disclaimers. I don't own Naruto. Don't sue me.

* * *

"What could be so important, hmm?" Deidara asked Tobi. "For him to summon us to the throne room…"

"I'm not sure, we'll just have to find out."

They opened the doors to reveal Itachi on his usual seat on the throne. At his left and right stood Sasuke and Sakura, each of them holding a box. Deidara was reluctant, nonetheless he followed Tobi's example and got to his knees. Itachi sat on his throne, there wasn't even a stick of dango in his hand. This must be serious.

"The time draws near once again. I have no choice. To preserve the Uchiha clan I must preserve its' traditions. You two will have to perform before the King and Queen."

"Perform what, hmm?" interrupted Deidara.

Itachi sighed and snapped his fingers.

Sasuke and Sakura stepped forward, each with a box in their hands. Sasuke gave his box to Tobi and likewise Sakura gave hers to Deidara.

"So that's it!" realized Tobi, no longer confused, unlike Deidara.

Itachi got off his throne and pulled a secret switch on it, the throne disappeared, revealing a dark hollow passageway. Itachi walked into the passage with everyone following obediently behind, even Deidara.

"I can't see anything, un." complained Deidara.

Itachi made a grunt of annoyance but nonetheless he snapped his fingers and a few torches in the hallway lit up, casting mysterious shadows upon its' guests. Sakura walked close to Sasuke, hugging his arm tightly. Sakura was scared but didn't admit it. "It's okay…" Sasuke smiled reassuringly as Sakura's heartbeat returned to normal. It only spiked again when all of a sudden Sasuke kissed her.

"Spider!" Deidara shrieked in alarm.

Tobi chuckled lightly, it wasn't a spider. It was just his fingers creeping slowly across Deidara's neck. By the time they left the passageway Tobi had a bruise on his head inflicted by Deidara obviously.

"We're finally here." said Itachi solemnly. He opened his eyes slowly, revealing his Mangekyo Sharingan. Several torches lit up to reveal what appeared to be a circular ballroom. In the center was a giant circle with the kanji for fire in its' center. There appeared to be several seats off to the side for spectators.

Itachi continued his explanation. "Open up the boxes." he commanded, pointing at Deidara and Tobi, "Put on the outfits inside."

There were two changing rooms conveniently placed at the opposite ends of the ballroom. Deidara entered one and Tobi the other. Tobi reappeared in a strange silvery blue outfit. His clothes were decorated with shapes that appeared to be different phases of the moon. Several parts of the outfit appeared to have movement restraining chains. In his hand was a paper fan.

Deidara reappeared too in an outfit that far exceeded Tobi's in radiance. Deidara's outfit was a lovely shade of fair yellow with areas of white where clouds were. His hair was down, no longer held by a red ribbon. Deidara's face was covered by a sparkling golden veil. He too held a paper fan.

"Sasuke? Sakura? Would you explain the rest?" asked Itachi.

Sasuke and Sakura began to explain the tasks to Deidara.

"You and Tobi-kun will be performing a combination dance, they are basically the same but you will each have different roles. You were not raised in the Uchiha clan so you might not have heard of the legend before." said Sakura.

Sasuke continued talking for her, "The sun and moon are forever separated. The sun is only out at the day and the moon at night. They only meet at dawn to exchange their places in the heavens, they say hello only to say goodbye seconds later. Two dances represent the sun and moon's fate of being forever apart. You and Tobi ni-san are to perform these dances to represent them. Your role, that matches your outfit, is to be the sun goddess. You're to perform Amaterasu's Dance and Tobi ni-san is going to be the moon god. He's going to perform Tsukuyomi's Dance."

Deidara squirmed uncomfortably, he didn't know how to dance!

"What are the paper fans for, hmm?" asked Deidara as Tobi ran over to him.

"Isn't this great, Deidara-chan? We get to perform the dances!" He hugged Deidara affectionately. Deidara cringed, the chains rattled noisily.

"I've always wanted to try it after I saw Sasuke and Sakura perform. I hope we can do as well…" Tobi sighed.

Itachi had overheard Deidara's question, "The paper fans are for controlling the pyre." he explained.

"Hmm?"

"During the dance there will be a giant pyre lit." said Sakura, pointing at the fire symbol in the middle of the ballroom. "One of the challenges is to control the pyre by fanning it with the paper fan to keep it from burning out of control."

Deidara groaned, '_This is going to be harder than I thought, yeah_.'

"Hey weasel, you said we have two weeks, un. Why do we have so less time, hmm?" asked Deidara, his question aimed at Itachi.

Itachi clenched his fists, "Are you sure you should be talking to me like that when I have Mangekyo?"

"You don't know, Deidara-chan?" questioned Tobi, lifting Deidara's veil. Deidara slapped Tobi's hand away, remembering what happened the last time he did that.

"In two weeks time it will be the only time the sun and moon can temporarily meet longer than usual. There will be a lunar eclipse." explained Itachi. "It will be a dawn like any other dawn, except the sun will be blocked by the bloody red moon. For two astronomical miracles to happen simultaneously is undoubtedly rare…"

Itachi left the room, "Better start practicing!"

Sasuke formed a few seals and suddenly the circle in the middle of the room burst into flame. Sakura explained the dance to Deidara and reluctantly he began to dance around the fire, mimicking the path of the sun through the day, rising in the west and setting in the east. As Deidara got close to Tobi the flames began to act violently and erratically rise up and down. Deidara used his fan but to his dismay the flames lashed out at his hand, causing Deidara to drop the paper fan in pain. Tobi saw what had happened and rushed over as Sakura approached with a medical kit.

"I can't do this, un! I'm not an Uchiha and I can't control flames…"

"Don't be like that Deidara-chan. I wasn't an Uchiha but I somehow managed to complete the dance…I got burned quite often during practice sessions though."

"You can't even control my fire?" scoffed Sasuke, Just wait until you have to deal with the real thing, ni-san will-"

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura yelled. "Don't scare her…" she said in a lower voice.

She handed a tube of cream for burns to Tobi. "Apply this to Deidara-chan's hands."

Tobi soothingly rubbed the cream into Deidara's hands.

"It hurts…yeah." Deidara began to gag as some of the medicine went into his mouth hands. "What genius invented orange flavored burn ointment, hmm?!"

* * *

Despite that disastrous first practice Deidara began to improve under Tobi's guidance. Deidara flinched and grew red, even thought he knew Tobi's intentions he could not help but shiver at the way Tobi's hands moved across his body.

"This is the stance you're supposed to take when you try to tame the fire." explained Tobi after he positioned Deidara's limbs to his will.

"Yeah. I understand." replied Deidara as he waved the paper fan at the pyre, to his surprise the pyre shifted without resistance.

"See? This isn't so bad…" Tobi whispered into Deidara's ear with a hint of lust in his voice. Deidara lost control and the flames rose suddenly rose like his heartbeat.

"It won't work if you don't concentrate." lectured Tobi.

* * *

As usual Deidara sneaked out to see Madara, except no longer to learn how to write and read. Deidara had something to demand.

"I want you to teach me how to fight, un."

"You don't know how to fight?"

"I want to learn how to fight better, yeah! You're always complaining about my defense so why not teach me how to improve it, hmm?" asked Deidara, rubbing his sore wrists. '_I'm getting tired of being pinned to the ground, un. Although he doesn't seem to be doing that recently because he noticed the burns on my hands…hmm._' he thought.

Madara seemed to be thinking, trying to decide whether or not to be thinking, trying to decide whether or not to teach Deidara. Finally he nodded, "Just promise you won't use the knowledge to rob people better."

"Ok." Deidara lied, crossing his fingers behind his back.

"I'm warning you though, training will be tough and I can unintentionally harm you…I don't know my own strength sometimes." warned Madara. '_There is no doubt he's lying to me. Must you give me reason to punish you, Deidara-chan_?' thought Madara wickedly.

* * *

Deidara regretted asking for training the moment it began. Madara tossed Deidara a wooden stick and he caught it awkwardly.

"No real swords, hmm?"

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

"Aren't you worried I'll hurt you, hmm?"

"You aren't a threat. Too wea-"

Deidara made the first moves and charged straight at Madara, trying to make the stick connect. Deidara made several furious jabs but Madara blocked or dodged them all easily.

"Your fighting stance is pathetic, it's a miracle you're still alive. I must admit your moves are quite unique. The problem with your multiple explosive attacks though…is that they easily leave you open to counterattacks!" With a simple flick of his wrist he knocked the wooden weapon right out of Deidara's hands.

Once again Deidara found himself pinned to the ground.

'_Crap, so much for he's not doing that anymore, hmm_?'

Madara's gestures toward Deidara were anything but innocent but this time it was more obvious.

"Seriously if someone besides me was in this position they could do things to you." laughed Madara.

"L-like what, hmm?" said Deidara, faking indifference.

"You can't use your feet…" Deidara's legs were useless since Madara's own were tangled with his.

"…or your hands, un." Madara's hands were pinning Deidara's arms down, rendering him defenseless.

"That was very stupid to ask, Deidara…must I demonstrate?"

He grinded his mask against Deidara's shoulders causing the mask to rise little by little. He stopped when his mouth was revealed, that was all he needed. Deidara's mind went blank, his brain unwilling to comprehend what was happening, but it was. Madara was kissing him! Deidara tried to struggle but his efforts were fruitless, he tried to ignore it but Madara's tongue continued to make playful movements in his mouth.

Deidara closed his eyes and waited for it to be over while concentrating on controlling his heartbeat. It was impossible, his entire body betrayed his emotions from his ragged breathing to his beating heart. It was so very hard to ignore, Madara was skilled at kissing as he was at stealing which was saying something. Deidara persisted though and resisted the thought of returning his affections. Madara pulled away disappointedly when he realized Deidara wasn't going to respond to his efforts.

"Y-yarou!!(Uh-oh. That was the B word...sort of.)" Deidara yelled in anger and embarrassment when he got his breath back. Madara slowly released his grip on Deidara. '_Why did that taste like orange lollipops, hmm_?'

"If you let me go now I'll kill you, yeah!" Deidara yelled, slapping his mask sideways. Deidara frowned as he saw what appeared to be a scar over one of his eyes, before Deidara could take a closer look Madara adjusted the mask again to obscure his face.

"I doubt it. Besides I could have done worse…"

"Like what, hmm?" said Deidara, although he had a feeling he knew.

"You know what I'm talking about…or do you want me to demonstrate that too?"

Deidara backed away, his face matching the color of Madara's armor. He reclaimed his dropped weapon and backed away warily before breaking into a run.

Madara caught up easily, "Shall I show you?" he laughed, whispering into his ear.

"Please let me go…"But Madara was deaf to his pleas, Deidara began to hyperventilate, from the running and something else. Madara's fingers played with the sash of Deidara's outfit, trying to decided whether or not to untie it.

"Stop…" Deidara fidgeted and cringed as Madara's hands drifted arcoss his frame, manipulating his body into a specific stance. "To improve your defense you must learn how to take on a defensive stance…now what have you learned not to do?"

"Not to ask stupid questions, un."

"That's right, don't ask stupid questions." '_Or you'll get 'unexpected' answers_.'

For a while he spared with Madara several more times, his defense did seen to improve. This was because Deidara was trying especially hard, he was not going to be pinned down again anytime soon.

* * *

The moment Deidara returned home he cornered Tobi and kissed him until he ran out of breath and broke contact.

"Wh-what was that for?" asked Tobi although he had an idea. '_Guilt, because Deidara thought he cheated on me with Madara he thinks this will make things even_! _Mmm, I can still taste him… _'

Deidara didn't bother to answer Tobi's question and only ran into the bedroom, crying into a pillow. '_Why can I still taste it, hmm?! Why do I still taste HIM? They both taste like orange lollipops, un. Why_?'

"Are you alright Deidara-chan?" asked Tobi, entering the room. '_Maybe I shouldn't have done what I did as Madara. Now he's upset…_'

Deidara stopped crying but didn't respond, he hid deeper under the sheets.

"Come out Deidara-chan. Maybe I can make you feel better?" Tobi asked suggestively, crawling under the sheets too. Deidara got out the moment Tobi got in. "Just go to sleep, un." After a while Deidara fell asleep but Tobi was still awake. He laughed lightly, Deidara had subconsciously taken the defensive stance in his sleep!

* * *

"Wake up Deidara-chan!" panicked Tobi, shaking Deidara awake.

"Hmm?"

"Maybe I shouldn't have woken you up…but I was worried! You were moaning in your sleep, you sounded happy though…"

"I was…moaning?" blushed Deidara, remembering what he was dreaming about. A few flashes of memory reminded Deidara of what he had dreamed about. Tangled limbs. Two people. Bare skin. Flashes of orange and black. Red armor and a familiar sash haphazardly flung off into a pile in a corner…no longer worn. Then sounds…what had he said?

"It was nothing…yeah." lied Deidara, sinking deeper into the sheets to hide his burning cheeks.

Tobi sighed. '_I heard him moan 'Madara'…_'he thought.

* * *

This schedule continued over the next two weeks Deidara would be either be practicing Amaterasu's Dance with Tobi, who was performing Tsukuyomi's dance, or training with Madara who taught him how to improve in fighting. Finally the day of the Dawn of the Red Moon arrived and it was time for Deidara and Tobi to perform.

* * *

Deidara was absolutely terrified, unlike during practice the pyre in the middle of the room was not lit by Sasuke but Itachi! Deidara turned to look at where the viewers were seated. There were five seats, from left to right was Konan, Pein, Itachi, Sasuke, and Sakura. He noticed Itachi the most. Itachi was wearing a red cloak although it appeared more black because of the pattern of crows and black fire engulfing the red. Deidara noticed his hands were forming a seal and one of his eyes were closed. Deidara turned his attention back to the pyre. He had a feeling he knew why the pyre had black flames and who had cast it.

Deidara gripped the paper fan in his hand tightly and began to dance. He played his role perfectly, mimicking the path of the sun across the sky, drawing closer to Tobi.

"Konbonwa!(Good Evening) Lovely night isn't it?" Deidara half said, half sang.

"Sayonara!(Good Bye) It's a pity the night marks the end of day. Farwell." Tobi said in the same tone of voice Deidara used. Slowly Deidara brought the tips of their fingers together before suddenly capturing him a spin, causing them to switch positions. Deidara took the correct stance and so did Tobi, simultaneously the both of them raised their paper fans. The both of them waved the fans back and forth furiously but Deidara was only pretending to put up a fight. According to tradition the sun was supposed to submit control of the fire to the moon in order to hand over the day to night. He did and the pyre dimmed in anticipation of dark.

It was now night and Tobi had taken control with Tsukuyomi's Dance.

"_Does not the day disappear too soon? _

_Does they sun have no choice but to yield to the moon? _

_Just like winter and autumn give way to the summer and spring, _

_Representing the blooming of flowers and other things._

_Just like an insect's life is fleeting, _

_Is it not so the same for the moon and sun meeting?" _were just a few lyrics that Tobi sang.

Deidara was so captured by Tobi's voice he almost forgot his cue. The night was ending and had to yield to the day. Again they swap places and their hands momentarily meet. Once again they raised their fans except this time Tobi had to submit because it was turning from night to day. The pyre's black flames leapt up happily, receiving new energy at the sight of day with the sun in control.

This sequence of events repeated a couple of times until the time of the day drew near. It was time, today at this dawn the sun will meet with the moon longer the usual. The moon will steal the sun's spotlight during the lunar eclipse. Deidara and Tobi both looked up, dawn was fast approaching. Suddenly they both spotted the red moon. The black flames of the pyre rose wildly despite the fact it was nearing night.

The moon was in control, Tobi was responsible for conquering the pyre but he didn't have to do it alone. Deidara's hands closed around his and together with Deidara offering some guidance the two of them fought the flames. The two of them began to lose hope, as the moon rose higher the flames grew more out of control. When they almost gave up suddenly Pein, who hadn't interfered with the performance until now began to form hand seals. Konan copied his movements. Pein's eyes, the Rinnegan, which appeared to be ripples that could be created if a drop of rain fell in a puddle, began to glow with energy. Suddenly it began to rain and the black flames were doused.

Pein clapped politely, "Congratulations. You two are quite a duo." A rare smile graced his lips. "For such a performance you two are deserving of a reward. I will grant one wish…what will it be?"

* * *

Author's Note's: Deidara will probably ask for her friends to be freed, but how is he going to explain to Tobi why he would wish for that?! Major problems…

Translation Notes: I hope I didn't translate anything wrong, please inform me if I did. There are a lot of puns and I'm not even sure if what I describe is even astronomically possible but I don't care.

"In this world I can control time and space…and even the mass of objects…"

That was a quote from the actual Naruto anime/manga, I think Itachi said that when he was explaining Tsukuyomi to Kakashi and basically stab owning him with blades.

Time to explain stuff. Tsukuyomi can be translated as 'Moon God' while Amaterasu can be translated as 'Sun Goddess.' Hence their outfits. Deidara's one specifically has a veil because the sun's radiance has to be censored or people will go blind. Tobi's outfit has chains because it represent the moon's restrained movement. While the sun gets to travel across the sky the moon is held up in the sky connected to the heavens though chains. Without the chains the moon would fall down and kill everyone…yeah.

'Uchiha' means paper fan, the Uchiha clan are fire elemental people, the paper fans that control the fire. For your information I have no idea about real Uchiha clan traditions. I'm just making stuff up.

'Akatsuki' means red moon or dawn, hence the talk of red moons and the dawn.

For those who noticed, yes. 'Tsukuyomi' and 'Amaterasu' are actually two attacks Itachi can use because of his Mangekyo Sharingan. The black flames was his 'Amaterasu' and the reason Pein can put it out easily is because…well I don't know how to explain that. It's because Pein is godlike, okay? Besides Konan helped him too, the both of them can probably make it rain by according to their will or whatever.

The manga is making the fan girl side of me sad. Itachi is suffering and bleeding his freaking eye out! Sasuke might actually win! I don't want either of them to die but it seems inevitable. Sasuke managed to get away with killing Deidara so can he kill Itachi too? The entire Akatsuki is being owned…When will Tobi be back in the manga?!

My inner poet is alive, hooray!

You know what Deidara was dreaming about! Cough. Dirty dream.

DeiTobi officially owns my soul, yeah.

**_REVIEW!_**


	7. Konan is Kidnapped? Blame Orochimaru!

Disclaimer: See past disclaimers. This is getting old. I did not own Naruto the in the last chapter and the ones before that. In future chapters I do not own Naruto.

* * *

"What should we ask for?"

Deidara turned over on the bed at the sound of Tobi's voice so he could face him.

Deidara frowned, his head was filled with conflicting thoughts. '_I want to ask them to free my friends but that will cause suspicions, un. Besides this is Tobi's wish too…hmm. I can't ask for anything without him agreeing too…and I can't tell him what I want without telling him everything. Who I am…a thief, rogue ninja…and a guy, un_!'

"I think we should think about it for a couple of days…yeah." answered Deidara. '_I'll use those days to build up the nerve to tell him, un. Hopefully…_' In reality Deidara was already thinking of backing out of that plan, he was just stalling for time. "Out of curiosity…what would you wish for, hmm?"

"I don't need anything…" Tobi leaned in closer, closing the distance between them. "…as long as I have you…" Deidara froze with shock as Tobi leaned in close enough for the tip of their noses to touch. "…my hanayome, my wife…" As he got even closer Deidara got redder, their lips only millimeters apart.

'_To close, un_!'

By 'accident' Deidara took a defensive stance and rammed his elbow in Tobi's jaw. Tobi recoiled in surprise. '_Damn, should I have really taught him those defensive courses_? _So much harder to take advantage of…_'

"That hurt…" Tobi complained, rubbing his sore jaw. "But this will hurt more…" He pushed Deidara against the bed, kissing without fail this time. Deidara didn't let this lead to anything more and pushed Tobi away…after savoring it for a while.

Tobi spoke again, "Honestly tell me what you would like to wish for…"

"Hmm…no I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"I just can't, un."

"Why?" Tobi repeated incessantly until Deidara's patience broke.

"Why don't we play a game, hmm?" Deidara asked.

"Another game? Yay!"

Deidara raised his index finger and brought it to Tobi's lips. Slowly we moved his finger and began to trace the outline of Tobi's lips. Tobi managed to resist the urge to bit Deidara's finger but could not help running the tip of his tongue over it. Deidara continued to enticingly trace Tobi's lips with his finger, but suddenly something changed.

"Don't move…hmm. Don't do anything at all." Deidara commanded, he raised his hand higher and pressed it against Tobi's lips. Just like he did with his finger, except now with his mouth hand tongue, Deidara began to trace the outline of Tobi's lips. Tobi couldn't stand it, the sensual pleasure Deidara was subjecting him to, now he wanted to bit Deidara's tongue, BADLY.

Tobi tried to say 'what are you doing?'

"Wh-"

"ZIP IT! What did I say, hmm? Don't do anything, un!" Deidara made a strange movement with his hand, one that resembled the action of closing a zipper. He retracted his hand. Tobi tried to speak but Deidara raised his other hand and pushed it against Tobi's mouth.

"You can't say anything, yeah. You see this, hmm?" Deidara raised his index finger, the one he had used to trace Tobi's lips. "Do you understand what this is?"

Tobi nodded slowly.

"That's right, un. I have the key so you can't speak…yeah."

"Good night." said Deidara, turning his back to him.

Tobi wanted to say good night too but then he remembered. Tobi didn't what to lose the game, he couldn't talk.

* * *

Deidara woke up to find Tobi had gone, he had probably woken up earlier and already went to wherever he went most mornings. '_Wait, where does Tobi go, hmm_?' thought Deidara. '_Come to think of it…I have no idea what Tobi does, un_!'

Deidara shook off those uneasy feelings. '_That idiot can't possibility be doing anything illegal or dangerous. This is Tobi I'm thinking about…yeah. Like he would have the guts to do anything potentially insane. Except…_' Deidara suddenly remembered some of Tobi's behavior. _Almost_ nothing had changed, Deidara did sleep with him but they never did anything… Deidara always asked Tobi not to try anything 'weird.'

Tobi was a good boy and listened, sort of... Now that Deidara thought about it Tobi was not as innocent as he seemed. That one night…

Flashback

"You're taking too much blanket, un." Deidara muttered, yanking the sheets away from Tobi.

"I am not! Maybe the reason you need so much is because you're fat."

"That's real mature…yeah." Deidara replied sarcastically, grabbing his pillow in order to ram it into Tobi's face.

To Deidara's surprise Tobi retaliated by using his own pillow to shield himself. "And that was mature of you how?" Tobi retorted, throwing his pillow at Deidara.

It got Deidara square in the face. The blow didn't hurt at all, it was just a pillow. The only thing injured was Deidara's pride. Deidara gritted his teeth angrily and nabbed another pillow, flinging it at Tobi. He didn't miss this time and Tobi was so surprised by the blow he fell off the bed.

"Tobi, are you alright, hmm?" asked Deidara, looking on the ground. Deidara got another face full of pillow. Tobi quickly scrambled back on the bed and hid under the blankets, using them as a shield from Deidara. He heard no movent so he foolishly peeked out from under the blankets, wondering what Deidara was doing. Tobi got bombarded by at least half a dozen pillows.

Soon the pillow fight turned into a pillow war as Deidara and Tobi exchanged blows. No one was hurt except for the pillows. Some of them even exploded into a shower of feathers when too stressed.

After the pillow war ended Tobi collapsed on top of Deidara, the both of them laughing and gasping for air.

"O-Okay. Okay. Who won? What's the score, hmm?"

"I did. More of the pillows I threw actually hit."

"Hmm? No way, un. I made more of the pillows explode…yeah." Deidara laughed, gesturing at their feather covered surroundings.

Carefully Tobi removed a feather on Deidara's neck, causing Deidara to shiver at his touch. This subtle movement did not go unnoticed by Tobi. He moved his fingers, trailing them slowly down Deidara's neck until he came down to Deidara's collar. He grabbed hold of the closest button.

"Wha-what are you doing?" Deidara asked, taking notice of how Tobi was touching him. He was even too confused to say 'hmm.'

Tobi didn't answer and undid the button and them moved his hand down onto the next.

"Why not? I figured since we're already hot and sweaty from the pillow fight…" Tobi whispered seductively into Deidara's ear. He seemed to be trying to convince himself as well as Deidara.

Deidara blushed, realizing Tobi's intentions. He didn't want Tobi to know that it was working, he refused to let Tobi know that he was definately aroused. Deidara slapped Tobi's hand away, glaring venomously while backing away. Without a word Deidara raised his foot and kicked Tobi off the bed.

"You can have the freaking blanket, un!" Deidara yelled, chucking the blanket to the ground.

Deidara turned his back to Tobi. Quickly, Deidara buttoned pajamas again and closed his eyes, trying to get some sleep. '_He couldn't tell, hmm? I hope he didn't see…yeah_.' Deidara thought worriedly. He couldn't let Tobi undress him or he'll find out. '_I'm a guy, un._'

End Flashback

'_Come to think of it I don't know Tobi that well despite the fact we're married. He doesn't know me that well either. I wonder. Does he keep secrets from me like I keep secrets from him, hmm_?' thought Deidara.

Deidara knew that instance he remembered was only one of many incidents. Deidara knew it, he could recognize it in Tobi's eyes. There was lust and longing, lust that was barely restrained. He knew he shouldn't make eye contact with Tobi, but he couldn't help himself. When Deidara did that he swore Tobi was trying to trap him and leave him nowhere else to go…but into his arms. Deidara always shrugged it off, '_That's dumb, I'm just fooling myself…yeah. Tobi's eyes are not weird and they're not capable of controlling me, un. Making me want to do things, making me think of things I shouldn't be yearning for, begging for. Like him_…'

He repressed those memories once again, now remembering that Tobi was not always a good boy.

'_Never mind. I'll give him the key later, un_.' Deidara thought.

Deidara quickly departed to find a person he had seen almost everyday, Madara.

'_I almost spend more time with Madara more than I see my husband…hmm_.' thought Deidara, asking a question. "Out of curiosity…if you had one wish what would you wish for, hmm?"

Madara didn't answer.

Deidara repeated the question impatiently.

Madara still didn't answer.

"What is your problem, hmm!" Deidara yelled, marching up to him to glare at him through the eye hole of his orange mask. Deidara tried to read his expression with no avail since he could not see it.

"Hmm?" Deidara mumbled in surprise as Madara suddenly grabbed his hand. He carefully brought each of Deidara's fingers under his mask…and into his mouth! He bit each of Deidara's fingers viciously, the index finger suffered the most. It was enough to draw blood which Madara took in by running his tongue across Deidara's injured digits. He didn't bother restraining himself and brought Deidara's mouth hand against his own mouth. Deidara's face was tinged with red as he felt his own mouth hand betray his emotions, he WANTED this. Deidara his hand away with a shocked and embarrassed expression on his face. In comparison even with the mask on it was obvious Madara's expression was a grin of satisfaction. "Well, I've wanted to do that."

"Th-that's a stupid wish, un! Besides, you already did it!" Deidara yelled furiously, while glaring at Madara.

He examined his bruised fingers unhappily, some of them were still bleeding. He thought of letting Madara 'clean up' the rest of the blood but then mentally scolded himself for even contemplating such a thought.

"You're right. But there isn't anything I want. I simply steal things by force."

"Don't you desire anything at all, hmm?"

"I desire you…" Madara admitted clearly, in a fury of movement he had tied Deidara against a tree. "…I desire you to learn how to escape from being bound."

Deidara felt nostalgic. "So that's today's lesson, hmm?"

"Yes, just think of it as a game…"

* * *

Deidara returned home later in the day only to be hug-tackled by Tobi. "We're going to see the circus!"

"Hmm? For what reason?"

"The Uchiha family is treated to see the circus because we were the entertainers last time so now we're the entertained! Have you ever seen the circus before?"

Deidara was honestly excited to see the circus since as a child he never saw one unless you counted that one time…

Flashback 

The four of them hid under the bleachers, above them was a red and white circus tent. Kakuzu's tentacles were randomly stealing the wallets of the people sitting on the bleachers that couldn't see them because they were huddled on the ground. He also picked up dropped change on the floor.

Sasori was interested in the current performance…in a displeased sort of way.

"So fake…" he muttered, looking at the ventriloquist on the stage. "…and amateurish."

Although it was almost impossible to tell, but not for Sasori, the performer's lips moved just a fraction when the dummy's jaw moved. Deidara was lecturing Hidan…who was eating off the floor!

"Stop that, un."

"Whut?" asked Hidan with a face full of popcorn.

"Eating off the ground!"

"Am not." said Hidan, swallowing quickly.

Meanwhile Sasori was secretly attaching chakra strings to the dummy, then he made his voice emit from it. Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu all noticed what he was doing. Hidan whispered some suggestions and Sasori nodded. Everyone tried to stifle their laughter as Sasori did what he did best. The performer stood in shocked bewilderment as he stopped halfway through telling a bad 'man walks into a bar joke' when all of a sudden he felt his control over the wooden figure on his lap loosen.

The puppet began to speak, "People of Konoha, it is I Jashin-sama that has taken over this pathetic shell. The end of the world draws near and all you heathens will go down below unless you convert to the faith of Jashin. Muhahaha. He wants sacrifices." Hidan nudged Sasori as Kakuzu and Deidara offered suggestions too.

"…er…and money, and temples built to worship him. And…what? That's stupid. Oh, alright…and cookies."

The audience was silent and then broke out into screams of panic.

"Is this thing still on?" asked Sasori.

The audience continued to scream.

"Calm down, everyone! Please!" the ringmaster yelled, as the dummy was discarded into a conveniently placed wood chipper. The people calmed down as they realized the threat was destroyed.

"The next performance is underway."

A large wheel and a man with several knives and a blindfold appeared.

"You're doing that again, un."

"Am not." scoffed Hidan. "Oo…a skittle." he crawled out from the safety of the bleachers and into the light.

"We'll need a volunteer." the man pointed at Hidan, "How about you? The weird kid…eating something off the floor?"

Hidan found himself unwillingly being directed to the stage.

"Don't worry folks, I'm a professional." The man placed a blindfold around his eyes. "Just don't attempt this at home." Hidan found himself strapped to the wheel, one by one the man haphazardly threw the knifes onto the heel. They all missed Hidan. All was going well until suddenly one of the knifes went off course…and imbedded itself into Hidan's heart!

"What the fudge flavored French toast! You son of a biscuit eating bulldog! That effing hurt!"

Meanwhile the audience was suffering from hysteria, Hidan received a knife to his heart and he was stilling living. Still talking! Deidara, Sasori and Kakuzu were obviously not surprised. They saved Hidan, AGAIN, and then ran away. Trying to explain to the authorities that Hidan is actually a foul mouthed immortal zombie dude is easier said than done.

End Flashback 

* * *

"What's the circus' name, hmm?" asked Deidara, sticking his hand into the popcorn bucket Tobi was holding. Tobi reddened as their hands accidentally met, not to mention Deidara's mouth hand was licking the butter off his fingers.

"I think it was called 'The Circus of Akuma'."

"Hmm…"

The stage was a large wooden platform, a number of seats surrounded it in a semicircle were the audience would be seated. The backstage was hidden away from the audience, probably designed that way for the cast to escape easily…

Everyone had front row seats, Itachi was seated next to Sasuke who was next to Sakura. Deidara was seated in between Tobi and Konan who was next to Pein. Zabuza did not have a seat and simply sat on the ground although Haku had a seat on his lap.

"Sasuke, I must warn you again. Please DO NOT wet your pants again out of fear or laughter."

"Stop bringing that up! I did that once and it was when I was only three! C'mon, that clown laughed weird okay!" Sasuke yelled back at Itachi as he heard everyone within hearing distance laugh. It was especially irritating since he could hear Sakura try to stifle her laughter…very unsuccessfully.

"I was simply bringing that up since we did not bring a spare and due to your habit of..."

"I stopped when I was four already!"

"Remember when you were twelve?"

"You stuck my fingers in a bowl of warm water when I was asleep!"

Itachi poked Sasuke in the forehead, "Foolish little brother, I was simply trying to improve your shinobi skillz. Had you been a lighter sleeper you would have perhaps noticed."

"Right, but didn't you attempt the same for Tobi?"

"Yep, and he failed miserably." Tobi said, taking notice of this conversation.

"Hmm, what happened?" wondered Deidara.

"I remember, Tobi woke right up and threw the water back in your face." Sasuke began to laugh, pointing at Itachi. "You remember too, right? Wet Weasel?"

A vein throbbed on Itachi's forehead.

Pein and Konan had noticed everyone's little conversation and decided to join in too.

"You're not perfect either, Itachi-san." Pein said.

"Remember that time you went hunting?" Konan added.

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about…" Itachi lied.

"Sure you do. Sasuke probably recalls it too." Pein smirked, turning to Sasuke, "Don't you Sasuke?"

"Hunting…?" Sasuke's face turned to one of concentration, he was trying to remember.

"We gave you medicine but probably not enough. It's when you met Sakura." Konan said, absentmindedly folding a piece of origami paper into a Sakura blossom.

Itachi cracked. "It's not my fault Sasuke's hair looks like a duck's ass! Get some fashion sense, boy!" Itachi shouted, shaking Sasuke wildly.

"…" Sakura was silent. "If I recollect what had happened, and I do. Itachi accidentally shot Sasuke because he mistook him for a duck."

"My eyes are not what they used to be." Itachi mumbled.

Sasuke suddenly recalled it all. "My arm was bleeding…and I was taken to a nurse." Sasuke looked up at Sakura.

"I was still training then but I did all I could."

"Medicine messed my memories." Sasuke glared at Itachi. "But now I remember! Worst older brother ever!" he pointed at Itachi.

"Well, excuse me. At least I didn't go insane and attempt to murder my entire clan or something."

"I guess you're right." Sasuke admitted, "But where did you get that idea?"

"Don't know. It just popped in my head." Itachi replied.

"It's so much quieter back home, Zabuza-sama." Haku complained, sighing at the ruckus that was happening above them.

"Guess who?" Zabuza asked, covering Haku's eyes.

"For goodness sake, I'm not a child! I've long outgrown this." Haku grumbled. "Besides, I can still hear. That's the problem."

Haku simply retrieved a needle from his pouch and poked himself, he fell asleep into Zabuza's arms, not caring to ask him whether or not he was comfortable with this.

Everyone became silent as the lights suddenly became bright and the show began. The spotlight was upon a tall, thin, and pale snakelike man with long black hair.

"Ladiesss and gentlemen," he said, not only did he look like a snake he oddly sounded like one. "Welcome to the show, I am Orochimaru and my companions are Sound ninja."

Haku snapped back into attention at the sound of Orochimaru's voice. "What? No sir, I didn't oversleep, sir! It was the clock, sir. Stupid daylight savings time!"

Everyone glared, "Shh!"

"Ohh…" Haku laughed nervously and turned his attention to the stage, like everyone else.

He talked on. "Remember this kiddiesss, do not attempt any of this at home or I'll visit you in your nighty night time." Orochimaru warned, his already snakelike eyes grew more narrow. Everyone in the audience listened, don't try any of this at home OR ELSE.

He pulled out a rather sharp looking blade, "This is my Kusanagi, and to prove it's real…" He made a cut in his wrist and blood began to trickle down to the floor. In one swift movement he swallowed the blade, handle and all. He then stuck his hand down and pulled out the blade again, it looked the same except it was covered in goo. Everyone clapped politely. "I'm not done yet!" he hissed angrily, determined to keep everyone's attention.

Two carts of silverware were brought out by two men that looked exactly alike with the exception that one of them wore beads. To everyone's surprise they merged together as they left the stage into a two headed person. One by one Orochimaru swallowed all the silver ware, one by one. Forks, spoons, knives and entire plates all entered his system! He didn't stop until he swallowed every last thing. Orochimaru looked ready to hurl until all of a sudden he spat everything put back on to the ground.

"That's art…I guess." said Deidara, instead of 'yeah.'

"In a way…" Tobi laughed uncertainly.

The silverware did not regurgitate normally, on the contrary it cam back out as a giant silver statue that resembled its creator. Namely, Orochimaru had just barfed out a huge statue of himself made of silverware.

Everyone's uncertain claps turned into cheers of applause as Orochimaru took a bow.

"Thanksss you peoples. I will be taking my leave now." Orochimaru left the stage, in his place appeared a man who obviously had over enough for his share of dessert. Everyone in the front row squirmed uncomfortably. They were not to blame, the reaction was normal for if the man tripped he could probably fall and squash everyone.

"Hello, my name is Jirobo and this is my performance."

A couple of carts brimming with food appeared, all filled with onigiri, soba, miso soup, udon, unagi and all other sorts of goodies. Jirobo asked everyone to guess how long it would take him to eat everything. Random guesses were made.

"An hour!"

"Forty five minutes!"

"Twenty nine minutes!"

"An hour and three minutes!"

The lowest guess was seventeen minutes.

Jirobo began to eat, it was sort of nauseating to watch. His arms only made mechanical movements, pick food up, shove food in, pick food up, shove food in. He didn't even seem to stop to swallow, all the food passed in like he was some giant vacuum. Everyone was amazed and several people became sick. Itachi being one of them.

When he was done not even five minutes passed, no one had even guessed close!

"Could've had more dessert." Jirobo grumbled in complaint.

Everyone laughed and cheered…if they were not puking their guts out.

Next came out a man with multiple arms. The man with six arms and two feet's name was Kidomaru. If Orochimaru looked like a snake then the Kidomaru defiantly looked like a spider. Everyone tried to resist the urge to either call him 'Spiderman' or 'Charlotte.' If the pig left then here was the spider. He sat down and stood on all his hands and feet, resembling a spider even more.

Two people, well actually it was one…no two. A two headed man appeared on stage, the head wearing beads introduced himself as Sakon and the other as Ukon. Their act was entertaining and unique. They appeared to be engaged in a mock pursuit, the spiderman, I mean _Kidomaru _also appeared to have the acrobatic skills of a spider also. He leap from rope to rope and from bar to bar of the various contraptions the lined the stage. The two headed man chased after him while from time to time splitting then merging again. They did all sorts of acrobatic tricks that were amusing to watch as the chase continued. In the end the Sakon and Ukon finally caught Kidomaru by performing a tag team strategy with the trapezes.

After the applause they left the stage and in their place appeared a woman with red hair who was equipped with a flute. A cage full of three fearsome creatures that were strapped and chained down appeared along with her.

"My name is Tayuya. Better freaking remember it so I don't have to repeat myself. Got that?" The creatures behind her in the cages began to scream and howl, attempting to break free from their confines. "Warning. Don't frigging laugh. I'm serious. Only I can control them with this flute but any loud enough noises and my focus gets destroyed they will break out and effing kill everyone." Tayuya said it nonchalantly as if she didn't care if the monsters were to accidentally break out and kill everyone.

Everyone became silent.

Tayuya began to play a simple little tune with her flute, the creatures stopped in their tracks and sniffed the air in wonder, something had changed. the tunes she played became more complex. The demons began to piggyback on each other to form one giant tall entity. Then the creatures stood on one foot, stood on their heads and all sorts of other silly things like dancing, all at the command of her flute. The effect was comical and the audience would have laughed if they weren't too scared to make a sound.

"I was just messing with your minds, people!" Tayuya sighed, and stopped playing her flute. "You can laugh, okay?"

The audience released their pent up laughter which came out sounding relieved. They stopped laughing when the monsters became violent again and trashed against the cage without the soothing sound of her flute.

"Ha! Tricked ya! Seriously, they'll rip everyone's head off if I don't control them." Tayuya was about to play her flute again when all of a sudden Ukon appeared on stage to push the cage away. Likewise Sakon swiftly appeared besides Tayuya and nabbed her flute.

"What the hell are you doing?" She hissed angrily, glaring at Sakon.

"The hell? I could ask you the same! Your performance is going on too long. Besides you're frightening the audience and we need their trust." he replied, but only loud enough for Tayuya to hear.

"What? No! This is my show, damn it! I want the spotlight."

"It's Kimimaro's turn."

Tayuya gasped in surprise as she felt herself being lifted off the ground. She swung her feet wildly in the air, yelling obscenities.

"Let me down you right now you asshat!" Tayuya yelled, turning red because Sakon was carrying her bridal style.

"I can walk by myself!"

Sakon ignored her protests and continued to carry her off the stage.

"Shut your trap." Sakon replied bluntly.

"What'd you say to me!"

"Close your mouth. It's pretty damn cute but not when it's emitting oaths or…"

"…biting me." Sakon finished his sentence, cringing as Tayuya snapped at his hand.

Kimimaro appeared on stage, he was a man with long hair and two strange dots on his forehead. He claimed his bones were stronger than most people's and to prove it he bit an iron bar clean in half! He even passed it around to prove it wasn't fake. One person, that being Zabuza even took a bit out of the iron to see if it was real.

"Yep. It's real." He admitted taking a bit out of the iron with his shark teeth and then swallowing. Everyone stared. "What? I had my zinc today but I needed iron!"

Kimimaro gestured for the other members of the circus troupe to reappeared. All the performers reappeared on stage and one by one they sat on top of Kimimaro. Seriously, first starting with Jirobo. Gasps of disbelief where heard as Kimimaro stood up again unscathed, as if he hadn't broken a bone at all. Even as he stood up to brush himself off he got tackled again by the other performers. They held that stance, creating a giant pyramid. They held that position for about a minute before breaking it up. Everyone clapped and then became silent as Orochimaru spoke again.

"For our next performance we'll need two volunteers." Orochimaru pointed at Konan and Deidara. "How about you two ladiesss?"

Deidara was reluctant to go up on stage, remembering what happened to Hidan when he was volunteered.

Likewise Pein grabbed Konan's hand and refused to let go. "You shouldn't, there's something…I don't know. The weather's trying to tell me…I just feel ominous…"

Despite their reluctance they appeared on stage anyway since the rest of the audience egged them on.

A snakelike grin appeared on Orochimaru's features. "You may be wondering why we are called the Circus of Akuma…it is because of this!" The performers all activated their curse seals. "For our next performance we'll make ourselves and the volunteersss disappear!" A thick cloud of dust covered the stage and when it cleared, Orochimaru, the performers, Konan, and Deidara had disappeared!

* * *

Author's Notes: Akuma means devil or demons by the way. Here we go again, is it me or bad things happen when Deidara is on a stage? Should have expected this, Orochimaru was a villain in the actual Naruto manga/anime and he's a villain here too. Nothing good can happen with him appearing. By the way Kusanagi is that sword Orochimaru uses to fight with in the Naruto anime/manga. He takes it out from a snake in his mouth often.

The stuff Jirobo ate is all Japanese cuisine, sorry I couldn't think of anymore but that's about all the Japanese food I know. I'm so lame.

This chapter was fun to write, sorry it took so long to post. I just feel like being entertaining, first a dance now a circus. I was influenced by _Cirque Du Freak_, seriously the Sound Four and Orochimaru can start their own circus if they tried with that much talent and weirdness.

Hidan's swears? They're a reference to an _Orbit_ commercial. I know everyone probably already knows what the swears Hidan meant to say were but I censor it anyway because it's more hilarious that way in my opinion.

The chapter title is like that because Orochimaru's name is too long and I can't fit both Deidara and Konan's names. I decided to just say Konan because Deidara's name appears in the chapter titles way too much.

_**Reviews are appreciated very much!**_


	8. Madara is Hurt? Blame Orochimaru!

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto!!

* * *

There was mass pandemonium. Zabuza and Haku rushed upon the stage but where told to not fight recklessly should they hurt innocent audience members by accident. The smoke screen was not normal it seemed to dim the senses too and everyone who took it in grew tried. It was only safe to go on the stage when the smoke cleared but by then the circus and their prisoners were gone. Tobi crept upon the stage and found what he was looking for. Carefully, he placed a sample of Orochimaru's spilled blood(from the performance) into a vial. Likewise Pein found and picked up the origami Konan had made not long before she was taken away…

* * *

"Do you think you can track them down, Zetsu-san?" asked Madara, handling the sample over to Zetsu.

Zetsu sniffed the blood in disdain.

"**Ugh. I've never smelled anything so vile! This blood reeks so much I wouldn't even want to eat the body that this blood came from**."

"Yes, I am able to." replied the white side.

* * *

"How did you do that?" asked Konan in wonder as Deidara stood up, the ropes scattered to the ground.

"Practice, un." replied Deidara, helping Konan out of her bonds.

* * *

Madara sneaked into the hideout carefully. At the sound of footsteps he immediately hid against a giant snake statue.

"Shh, we have to be quiet or they'll hear us, yeah." warned Deidara, not knowing his cover was already blown. Konan, who was walking besides him, nodded slowly and glared suspiciously at a statue as she heard movement.

'_Deidara's stealth is as terrible as ever_.' Madara thought in disbelief. He leap out suddenly and grabbed Deidara's waist, bringing it against his own. Madara also placed a hand upon Deidara's mouth and a blade to his throat.

"Don't scream, otherwise…" he warned Konan, pulling Deidara more forcefully against himself. Konan didn't scream, "H-how do I know you won't harm Deidara-chan?"

Madara moved his hand away, allowing Deidara to speak. "Just trust him, hmm? He's an ally."

"How can you say that? He's going to hurt you!" Konan paused, deciding that Madara seemed familiar. "You…it was you back then, the one who stole Samehada." Distrust appeared in her eyes.

"I know the way out. Follow me." Madara demanded, releasing Deidara. Deidara did not appear to like being released though because he followed Madara obediently, hugging his arm tightly as if he was drowning, and Madara was the only thing he could grab on to.

Konan followed warily behind.

Unfortunately the small commotion they had caused had attracted their captors. Madara raised his blade and tossed two kunai to Deidara and Konan which they gladly accepted. Konan was quite skilled at dodging, her movements were so light and lithe there were times it was wondered whether or not she secretly had wings. She never really fought back but instead used her opponents moves against them by directing them at each other.

Meanwhile Madara and Deidara were circling Orochimaru who had drawn his Kusanagi. Deidara narrowed his eyes suspiciously. It couldn't have been yet it was, it appeared like Madara was attempting Tsukuyomi's Dance with those movements. Deidara decided to think more about it later and act now, Deidara began to perform Amaterasu's Dance. The two of them circled Orochimaru, exchanging blows with him as a duo. Deidara's movements became more reckless as he grew more confident and cocky. Orochimaru hissed in pain as he received several wounds. Deidara was about to deal the final blow but had not noticed Orochimaru's counterattack. Madara did however, but in consequence when he tried to get Deidara out harm's way he received the damage instead. A cry of agony filled the air amongst the battles and bloodshed as Kusanagi pierced his armor and dug into his flesh. Deidara gasped in surprise, a mixture of tears and blood streamed down his face. "You…"

* * *

Zetsu was merged into the building, watching in the distance.

"Should I help?"

"**No, let him fight his own battles**."

* * *

Orochimaru hissed in victory, pushing the blade in deeper. Madara refused to move, still hugging Deidara to shield him from harm. His breathing became more ragged and the blood trickling down to the ground started to flow down faster. "Stop…un. Y-you're hurt…"

"Are-are you okay?" asked Madara, although it sounded choked because of the blood coming out of his mouth.

"Baka…how can you ask me that when you're not okay yourself, hmm?"

Konan was the one who saved them.

"My hair!" Orochimaru screamed, looking at the locks of black hair on the ground.

"It's about time you got a haircut." Konan scoffed, raising her kunai.

The sound of approaching footsteps reached everyone's ears.

"Oh, sssnap! The police. Retreat!" yelled Orochimaru, running away.

Madara ran away also to Deidara's dismay. It wasn't as much as running as it was limping as he got away, breathing hard while blood fell, forming pools at his feet.

"Don't go…un." But Deidara knew Madara had to go, the police would not be kind.

"Konan!"

Konan turned to look in the direction of where the voice came from and spotted Pein. She ran to embrace him, affection he gladly returned. Pein took out the flower origami Konan had not finished folding, the one he had used to track her down, handing it over. "Finish folding it, won't you?"

Konan smiled and continued folding it, she wanted to tell Pein what had happened and who had appeared but Deidara turned to look in her direction with pleading eyes.

'_Please don't tell anyone, hmm_?' Deidara's expression read, Konan understood and didn't say a thing about Madara. Everyone was allowed secrets.

* * *

Tobi stumbled around blindly, perspiration got into his eye.

'_Crap…I can't go back looking like this…_' He stopped and collapsed into a hollowed out tree. Zetsu appeared before him.

"D…Did you cover my trail?" asked Tobi.

"**Yes**."

"Shouldn't you get medical attention?"

"No, I can't go back…not looking like this." Tobi coughed out a little blood, "I just…I just need to rest for a bit." He mumbled dully, examining his attire. He was no longer wearing samurai amour and looked completely normal and like himself except for the bleeding wound in his back.

"I-I just need to sleep this off…" he croaked weakly before passing out from blood loss.

"**If you die can I eat your corpse**?"

Tobi didn't answer.

"I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

He awoke to the sound of approaching footsteps.

"Tobi? Tobi?!" yelled a man with black hair tied up in a ponytail, running toward Tobi.

His eye opened slowly, "I-Itachi ni-san?"

"I was so worried! My poor little brother!" Itachi began to sob in a comical manner, exaggerated anime brand tears came out of his eyes. "What happened?"

A second figure appeared, a person with blond hair tied up in a red ribbon.

"Why do I have to waste my time searching for Tobi, hmm? I should be looking for Madara… I hope he's alright, un."

"Madara, Madara, Madara." Itachi repeated mockingly. "Is that all you can talk about? You should be worrying about your own husband!"

"I-I was trying to look for you, Deidara-chan." said Tobi, beginning to sob quietly. "I was looking for you in the forest but then I got lost and it was dark so I hid in this tree and fell asleep…" Tobi rocked back and forth in fetal position, whimpering. "I was so scared…"

"You poor thing!" Itachi started to cry because Tobi was crying. "See Deidara, stop talking about Madara. Tobi was worried about you too!"

On the contrary Deidara did not feel sympathy for Tobi at all.

"Stupid Tobi! Useless, no good husband, un! You're pathetic, you know that? I HATE YOU!! When Madara saved my life what were you doing, hmm?! Hiding in a tree because you were scared of the dark, hmm? You idiot! You even got lost, yeah! Madara is more of a man than you ever will be! Hell, I'm more of a man than you are!"

"You don't mean that, Deidara-chan." Tobi laughed goofily, not taking Deidara seriously.

"No. I mean it, un!" Deidara yelled, stomping off.

"Deidara, wait! Aren't you going to help Tobi up?" asked Itachi, but Deidara was gone. "Are you alright?" he asked Tobi.

"I'm fine. Honestly." Tobi lied. He was definitely not fine, both physically and emotionally.

The three of them walked home, with Itachi wondering about Deidara's strange final statement. He decided it was just that time of the month and didn't bother to ask Deidara to clear things up. On the way home Deidara was in a horrible mood, not even bothering to look at Tobi. Perhaps if he had he would have noticed his injuries. Itachi asked Tobi about his injuries, he simply lied "I tripped and fell."

"Stupid retarded klutz, un." Deidara muttered angrily, adding to his list of insults for Tobi when he had heard. Perhaps if he had looked he would know the injuries Tobi sustained couldn't have possibility been from tripping, but he didn't. Itachi didn't notice Tobi was lying, his eyesight was simply not what it used to be.

* * *

Tobi stumbled into bed, desperately wanting to rest. "Won't you join me, Deidara-chan?"

The entire night Deidara ignored him and took no notice of his injuries. Deidara just stared out the window at the moon, sighing. "I wonder where he is now, hmm?"

Tobi heard and wanted to answer but fatigue took over and he fell asleep before he could respond.

* * *

The next morning Deidara woke up especially early and immediately got into the kitchen and found the ingredients he needed. Painstakingly he tried hard to make soup that he knew would help someone suffering from blood loss. Deidara, Sasori and Kakuzu always took turns making it for Hidan after one of his rituals, which was often.

"What'cha making?" asked Tobi, entering the kitchen uninvited.

"Go away…hmm." Deidara frowned, shooing Tobi away. Deidara took a spoonful of the soup for a taste test and yelped. "Too hot, un. Please it needs more herbs…yeah."

"You know what else is hot? You in an apron." Tobi smirked, stealing a kiss from Deidara. Tobi's movements seemed a little wobbly and he leaned on Deidara for support, trying to force him against the ground. "There? Is your tongue better?"

Deidara pushed Tobi away and got up blushing furiously. Okay, maybe his tongue did feel better but he was not about to tell him that. Especially since Tobi was checking him out! With Tobi staring, Deidara felt like the only thing he was wearing was an apron. Not true, Deidara was also wearing a simple blue kimono but he might as well be only wearing the apron decorated with an azure dragon with the look Tobi was giving him.

"Get out!"

"C'mon. Is the soup for me?" Tobi asked. "Because I rather have its chef…"

"Not for you…yeah." Deidara said, his face growing red to the point it looked like it was being cooked, as he locked Tobi out of the kitchen.

* * *

Deidara grabbed a basket to hold the soup before leaving the house to see Madara. The moment Deidara saw Madara he hugged him tightly.

"That hurts…"

"Sorry…" Deidara apologized, "Um, here's some soup…yeah." He took out the container of soup and got out a bowl and spoon, pouring some into the bowl.

Madara just stared, "What do you want me to do?"

"Drink it, un! You got hurt because of me so I figured this was the least I could do, yeah."

"Feed me."

"What?"

"Feed me the soup spoonful by spoonful."

Madara raised his mask high enough for only his mouth to show. Hesitantly Deidara raised a spoonful and was about to put it in Madara's mouth before pulling it away.

"Are you just teasing me or are you going to feed me or not?" Madara complained.

Deidara brought it to his own mouth and took a test taste. "Just right." Deidara muttered, impersonating Goldilocks. Apparently he couldn't help acting like Goldilocks too because he wanted to drink the entire bowl. '_This tastes good. No wonder Hidan stabs himself so often…hmm._'

Madara was not pleased to see the soup that was meant for him be devoured by Deidara. To retaliate he kissed Deidara to wrestle the liquid out of his mouth.

Deidara backed away coughing. "What the hell, hmm?!"

"If I recall, the soup was meant for me so it was only right I take it."

"Oh yeah…" Deidara blushed, remembering his propose.

Madara drank the rest of the soup, and fixed his mask, deciding that the soup tasted better when he took it out of Deidara's mouth.

"Your cooking skills aren't bad. In fact you would make a good wife…despite the fact you're a guy." Madara said, teasing Deidara.

Deidara's face glowed with color thanks to his comment.

"It's a pity I didn't meet you first. Then you could have been my hanayome…"

"I…that's…you…" Deidara became more embarrassed. "Well I'm taken…deal with it, yeah."

Madara changed the topic, knowing that Deidara was uncomfortable, "Can you do me a favor…and help me bandage my wounds?"

"Yeah." replied Deidara without hesitation. He grew more nervous when he realized he never saw Madara without his amour before, or so he thought.

Deidara's cheeks turned a delicate red as he awkwardly applied bandages to Madara's body. Despite his severe injuries Madara couldn't help but laugh whenever Deidara's mouth hand tongues brushed against his skin.

"What so funny hmm? Are you laughing at my amateurish medical skills?" grumbled Deidara. "I'm no doctor but I'm trying, un!"

"It tickles…" More laughter was heard.

"Oh? So the great Madara, master thief is also ticklish, hmm? I have discovered a weakness!" For once Madara was the one on the ground, he was being tickled relentlessly by Deidara.

"Stop…it…!" he said through fits of laughter. Deidara couldn't help himself when he realized what position he was in and what he could do because of it. It wasn't moral seeing as to how Madara was weakened but Deidara tried anyway. Deidara ceased the tickling only to reach for his mask and yank it upwards to trap him in a kiss. Madara was unprepared for this and despite the fact he liked how it felt like in his mouth he pushed Deidara away before he could yank the mask completely off. He readjusted the mask hurriedly.

'_I still didn't get to see enough…yeah_.' thought Deidara, frowning at the fact his plan failed.

Madara's eyes met Deidara's, in the former there was menace and in the latter there was fright. Deidara closed his eyes, trying to avoid his gaze. That hardly helped, Deidara could still sense him. The heat that came off Madara's being when he drew near and his hot breath upon his throat.

Deidara could sense it all and he heard when Madara whispered into his ear, "Try to pull a stunt like that again and I swear I'll make you regret it when I'm better. I have time, I'll plot and plan all I want to make sure it will be absolute _agony_ for you. I _promise_. Keep that in mind, _hmm_?" Madara drew away as Deidara opened his eyes again and released a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"What if you don't get better? What if I don't help you get better, hmm?" Deidara asked. "In your weakened state even I can-"

"You won't betray me. I know you won't because I mean too much to you."

Deidara was silent for a few moments, knowing what Madara had said was true.

Deidara continued to bandage Madara's wounds although the work was sloppy because Deidara kept trying to avoid looking at his 'hawt' body. There was no more laughter from Madara who just sat there deep in thought. Hopefully he was not devising ways to torture Deidara. Hopefully. Deidara sighed in relief when it was over and Madara placed his armor back on.

"Why don't you trust me with your secrets, hmm?"

"Because you don't trust me with yours…"

"Hmm? What are you talking about, un?! I told you all my secrets! Who I am…the ones most important to me…Everything!"

Deidara shivered, despite the orange mask covering Madara's face, Deidara could tell he was grinning naughtily.

"That's right. _Everything_. Things I could blackmail you with. I don't have to torture you, just someone close to you…"

Deidara's heart felt like cracking in fear. '_No…he can't be talking about Tobi, hmm_?'

"…or I can tell them who you really are. Would it break their hearts to find out? Nah, there probably isn't anything at all I can _possibly _hurt you with. Wives don't keep secrets from their husbands, I'm pretty sure he knows _everything_."

Deidara began to pound Madara's chest, trying to hold back tears. "I HATE YOU!!" Deidara yelled, continuing to put forth blows. They were pitiful, weak, and halfhearted. Madara's armor blocked them, although the pressure made his injuries sting a little. No, what really hurt was his heart. One of the blows came too hard, a little more potent than the others. That was more than Madara could bear, he grabbed Deidara's wrists and pushed him against a tree. Deidara flinched at that bit of familiar movement, and then stood frozen in shock as Madara released his frustration in whispers. It was more than Deidara could bear. He would rather Madara just yell, the emotion filled whispers were more frightening since Deidara knew he was bottling up his anger, saving it up so he could release it on Deidara again later.

Deidara would have laughed as he thought, '_Wow, he's going to explode with anger, un_.' but he was too scared to do so.

"Do not forget. I _own_ you. You still owe me for saving your life, _Deidara_." He laughed unpleasantly, stroking Deidara's cheeks gently, "Who knows? There's maybe hope for me yet. If he hates you enough to divorce you after he finds out everything then you can become my hanayome…"

Deidara slapped his hand away in disgust, "Screw you!"

"You want to screw me? I'm flattered."

Deidara screamed in frustration and ran away with Madara's laughter ringing in his ears. It was not the same as the laughter that came out when he was tickled, this laughter was more spiteful and echoing.

Deidara knew the words Madara had uttered were true. '_He owns me, un…_'

* * *

When Deidara got home he immediately looked for Tobi. Deidara found him lying on the bed daydreaming with a vacant look on his eye.

"Tobi…are you okay, hmm?" asked Deidara worriedly, his voice broke Tobi out of his stupor.

"I'm perfectly fine." Tobi fibbed, the reason he was lying there was because he needed to sleep off his injuries and exhaustion. The wounds had yet to heal.

'_How strange…_' Tobi thought. _'…for the very person I was just thinking about to appear before me…_'

"Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering…yeah." replied Deidara, he was actually thinking about Madara's threats to hurt the ones dear to him or reveal his secrets.

"Tobi…" said Deidara, trying to build up the courage to tell him the truth. "I have to tell you something, un."

Tobi waited patiently, hoping Deidara would do the right thing.

He didn't.

"There's drool coming out of your mouth…yeah." said Deidara, wiping off the bit of saliva on Tobi's chin.

"Are you sure that's all you wanted to tell me?"

"Yeah…Uh, Tobi? Watch out for weirdoes, hmm? Whatever you do don't listen to what they say or tell you about me."

"Why would they want to talk about you? What weirdoes?"

"No reason, un. Just don't believe them, hmm?"

"Sure Deidara-chan. I don't know what weirdoes could possibly want with me but I know you don't keep secrets from me. _I trust you_."

Deidara's heart nearly melted at the sight of Tobi's stupid, trusting grin. He seemed so naïve and innocent Deidara could hardly stand it. Tobi's heart was pure to the point Deidara felt his heart was monstrous in comparison. Little did Deidara know…

* * *

Deidara became more suspicious that something had happened to Tobi throughout the day. There was something in the way Tobi walked, no matter how he tried to act natural Deidara felt something was off. Tobi would sometimes cringe, as if in pain. Deidara would notice and then Tobi would notice Deidara noticed so he would do something stupid like pretend to tie his shoelaces. He wore loafers! Deidara didn't voice out his suspicions but rather throughout the day he made things as comfortable for Tobi as possible. Deidara got him tea and at times massaged his back.

"Does that feel better, hmm?"

"Why are you doing this?" asked Tobi, releasing a noise that oddly sounded like a purr. "It does feel nice though…mmm."

"What? You're my husband, yeah. I have to take care of you, un." replied Deidara, continuing to do his task more vigorously. '_Tobi's been acting strange all day…hmm. It's like…he's hurt somewhere_.'

Madara's threats resurfaced in Deidara's mind.

I don't have to torture you, just someone close to you…

'_No…he wouldn't, un._' But the more Deidara thought about it, the more he thought it was likely. Deidara grew more angry as he thought about it and subconsciously released his rage through his actions.

"Ow…" Tobi complained, getting away from Deidara. "You're massaging too hard."

"Sorry." apologized Deidara, his fingers flexing with energy. There was a certain somebody's neck he wanted to strangle.

"Tobi, did you meet anyone today, hmm? Someone different from normal?"

"No."

"Then why have you been like this all day, hmm? You're hurt somewhere, aren't you?" Deidara walked toward Tobi and suddenly grabbed his shirt collar.

"I'm fine…honestly." Tobi said, smiling reassuringly. Deidara started to unbutton Tobi's shirt anyway. Deidara got pushed away from Tobi before he could remove his undershirt to reveal the bandages underneath.

"No." said Tobi, quickly redressing himself, "I will only if you remove yours."

Deidara covered his chest with his arms protectively, "I can't let you do that…un."

The two of them stood staring at each other in a standstill, both of them refusing to betray their secrets.

* * *

It was awkward for the rest of the day. The two of them were sprawled out on the bed, staring at each other.

"Are you going to, hmm?"

"No."

"You?"

"No." replied Deidara, still refusing to remove his shirt and just stop keeping secrets from Tobi.

Likewise Tobi refused to before Deidara revealed his secrets first. Tobi stopped what he was currently doing, which was fiddling with Deidara's hair, to stand up and prepare to leave the room.

Deidara grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving the room, "I don't know where you're hurt or why…yeah. But I know you're injured and that's all that matters. Now stay put, lie in bed an get some rest, un."

"I can't stay. I have to…meet someone."

Deidara clutched his hand harder, "_Stay_. Please…just rest, un."

"I really have to go."

"Stay here…with me, hmm?" Deidara begged softly. Despite Deidara's pleading tone, it was an order. Deidara grabbed Tobi's arm and flipped him off his feet, throwing him back onto the bed.

Deidara lied on top of Tobi, his blond hair hung loosely, tickling Tobi's neck.

"Get off me. I really have to leave." said Tobi, trying to get up. His voice sounded weak though, like he actually wanted to stay in that position. But every time Tobi tried to get up Deidara pushed him down again forcefully. Tobi was really irritated and gave up after the third time it happened.

"What do you want me to do?"

Deidara resisted the urge to say 'me!' and instead rested his head on Tobi's chest. "Just stay here with me, un…"

"Hmm…"Deidara murmured, rubbing his head lovingly against Tobi's torso. Tobi moaned softly and relented, "I guess it could wait…but now I just want you." he whispered back. Tobi continued to play with Deidara's hair until the two of them fell asleep in that position, not waking until morning.

* * *

"Why did you not show up, To-Madara?" asked the white side of Zetsu in annoyance.

"I was…sidetracked." Madara replied.

"**The reason I called you here is because of Deidara**."

Madara grew more attentive.

"You can't see him anymore like this…"

"**Unless you tell him who you are…"**

"But only if you are sure he can except it, are you sure you can trust him with your secret?"

"**Because if you tell him and he betrays your secret I will have no choice but to _dispose_ of him**."

"Are you willing to take this chance and tell him despite the possible danger he could be involved in?"

"**Or will you take the coward's way out and not tell him at all**?"

"The coward's way out." Madara sighed in dismay. "I can't put Deidara in anymore danger than I already have. I have no choice but to stop seeing him as Madara."

"How do you plan to do that? He's completely infatuated with this side of you…"

"I'll just make Deidara hate Madara so much he'll never want to see him again, therefore severing their ties. It shouldn't be too hard seeing as how Deidara already hates the Madara me."

* * *

Author's Notes: Next chapter, how will Tobi make Deidara hate Madara more than ever?

Madara and Tobi are the same person but Deidara doesn't know. They are seemingly completely different.

Madara: Manages to track Deidara down and save Deidara's life.

Tobi: Manages to get himself lost, needed to be saved by Deidara.

Don't worry, the lies are close to being revealed soon! Hopefully…

_**Remember to review!**_


	9. Deidara is Screwed? Blame Tobi!

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. This addictive crack-like fic? Written by yours truly, LuneDe.

* * *

The next few days passed by quickly. Deidara was especially kind to Tobi, pampering him in everyway. Deidara did the same for Madara, trying to pay off his debt. Deidara also hoped that treating him like this would make him hold off on actually making any of his threats a reality, although there were a few things Deidara wanted clarified.

* * *

Deidara grabbed Madara by the collar, throttling him angrily. "What did you do to MY Tobi, hmm?!"

"N-No-Nothing!" Madara gasped for air.

"Then why did he limp when he walked, hmm?! He was hurt…he was hurt! Were the wounds so heavy he wouldn't allow me to see them and make me worry, hmm?! If I find out you had something to do with it…" Deidara wrapped his hands around Madara's neck. "I will…I will…"

Deidara couldn't bring himself to do it and just collapsed on his knees, holding back tears. "How-How could he have gotten hurt…hmm?"

"I didn't hurt him…" said Madara, in a lower voice he muttered, "You did…it was because of you. He loves you."

"Hmm?" mumbled Deidara, he didn't hear what Madara had said. "What did you say, hmm?"

"I assure you I did not tell him anything." said Madara. He began to talk again in a lower voice. "…that is up to you."

"What? What did you say, hmm?"

"Never mind. Just stand up." commanded Madara, making himself comfortable. "I demand a massage."

Deidara grumbled in complaint but complied anyway. Madara owned him.

* * *

Deidara stared at Tobi's mouth as if in a trance. '_It looks familiar, un_.' Unknowingly Deidara had inched closer and closer to have a better look.

"What'cha doin'?"

"Looking at your mouth, yeah." Deidara said absent mindedly.

"Wouldn't you rather taste it?" Tobi asked, closing the distance between himself and Deidara to ensnare him in a kiss. Deidara sighed blissfully, thinking, '_Those playful movements…are so familiar? He still tastes like orange lollipops, hmm…_'

But he could not remember why it was so familiar…

* * *

As the days passed Madara's wounds began to heal. The time was drawing near for Madara to stop meeting Deidara or to devise a plan to make him hate him.

'_What could I possibility do to make Deidara hate me? It shouldn't be too hard to destroy that last bit of trust…_'

* * *

"**Madara, have you devised a plan yet**?"

"Yes. I will see if I can really trust Deidara and in the process test his loyalty to his husband…"

"But that's you."

"Deidara doesn't know yet and that's what will make it fun. Deidara is more honest with the Madara me, revealing things he wouldn't have if he had known who I really was…"

* * *

"This isn't going to work, Deidara…"

Deidara became alert and stared at Tobi, surprised by the outburst. Tobi must have said it subconsciously for he was asleep on the sofa, his head in Deidara's lap.

"What is going to work, hmm?" Deidara said softly, expecting a response.

"I can't keep seeing you…"

'_What do you mean, hmm? How can you avoid seeing me, we live in the same household and sleep in the same bed...yeah_.' Deidara thought, he kept silent though and waited for the rest of Tobi's response.

"Ahh!" Sakura ran into the room screaming, causing Tobi to wake up.

Sasuke followed her with the source of what was making her scream in his hand.

"It's just a snake!" He yelled, the snake wrapped itself around his arm. "Can I keep it? C'mon, it can eat some of the rats in the house. Everyone benefits."

"No way! Get that thing out of the house now!"

"You're afraid of snakes but not blood?"

"Hello? I'm a medical nin, of course I'm not afraid of blood. But that...that thing...Throw it out now!"

"You never let me keep anything...it's just like that time you made me give away that fox to Naruto."

"Don't you remember why we had to give it away?"

"It was an accident! I wouldn't have given Kyuubi to Tobi if I had known he wasn't going to be careful."

"You gave it a name?"

Sakura continued shouting, with Sasuke hot on her heels with the snake in hand.

"How does calling my new snake 'Hebi' sound?"

"Oh, that's real original! You can't even tell I'm being sarcastic!" Sakura retorted.

Tobi woke up and yawned, rubbing his eyes. With that commotion it was a wonder no one within a ten mile radius had heard.

"Oh yeah, I remember Kyuubi."

'_Damn. I didn't get to hear the rest of what Tobi was going to say in his sleep, un_.' Deidara thought unhappily, he was curious though. "Kyuubi? You had a pet, hmm?"

"Yes, Sasuke and I were both responsible for it but…" Tobi chuckled timidly. "We had to give it away because we visited the Fourth Hokage."

"Hmm?"

"I just didn't pay attention for one second and it wrecked Kushina Uzumaki-chan's doll collection. Geez, Hokage Minato Namikaze-san was so mad. When they moved into the new house they took up so much time to set up the collection. There were all sorts of dolls that even resembled real ninjas and houses to go along with them. They arranged everything so well it looked like a mini version of Konaha."

"So what happened, hmm?"

"Kyuubi got loose because I wasn't paying attention and pounced on the arranged exhibit. The houses scattered all over the place and then they both stepped into the room with Naruto peeking behind them."

"That was really irresponsible of you, un."

"Yeah, but it was sort of funny too. They saw me and Kyuubi, who appeared to be juggling some of the decapitated dolls' heads. Naruto just clapped his hands and laughed. He wanted to keep the fox so we had to give it to him as a little repentance for the damage. I wonder if Naruto is still taking good care of it…?"

* * *

"Ah-choo!"

"Are you alright, Naruto-kun?"

"Don't worry, Hinata-chan. Someone's probably just talking about the great exploits of Naruto Uzumaki! Believe it!"

"Is that thing…safe?" Hinata pointed at the fox connected to the leash in Naruto's hand.

"Don't worry! I'm just taking it out for its daily exercise. It won't bit you…but I might."

"What?!"

"Nothing…"

* * *

"I had to give away Kyuubi but that was only part of the punishment. We also had to wash the Hokage monument heads." Tobi's expression became dreamy as he began to remember the past.

Flashback

"Tobi ni-san, are you going to help me or not?" A younger version of Sasuke asked, creating more water with a jutsu.

"No. You know what? We don't have to clean the statues. I have a better idea."

"You should really help. After all, it was your fault."

"How was I supposed to know it peed in the flower garden too?"

"Is that...?" Sasuke pointed at the object in Tobi's hand.

"Oh yeah." Tobi grinned and shook the bottles of spray paint in his hand and tossed one to Sasuke.

Moments later the Fourth Hokage spouted fox whiskers and the Third had facial hair that made him resemble a monkey. The Second was sporting a black eye and for some reason Tobi worked extra hard to mar the appearance of the First Hokage. The First now had a dreadfully hairy mustache complete with devil horns. What? I didn't hear that. Oh right, devil horns are never complete without a pitchfork. The pitchfork was lodged up his nose. Bold letters on the First Hokage's forehead also read '**INSERT BRAIN HERE**.'

Tobi cackled mischievously and stepped back to admire his handiwork. Rough hands seized him from behind, "Got too much free time on your hands or do I have to give out a harsher punishment?" Minato stopped talking suddenly and began to laugh, rolling on the ground while clutching at his sides. "Oh my kami! What did you-?" Minato paused as he suffered from another fit of laughter. He pinched himself in the cheek. "Do ya think I can really get whiskers like that?"

Tobi didn't get to answer because a startled voice was heard.

"Naruto?! When did you get behind me?" Sasuke yelled in surprise as Naruto tackled him to the ground. Somewhere, fan girl screaming and squealing was heard.

Sasuke's face turned a tomato red when he looked up to see Naruto's face staring back. Luckily or unluckily, however you wanted to look at it, there was no one to push Naruto and therefore send him colliding into…You've all watched Naruto, you know what happened. Except it didn't happen here, substituting spray paint as pepper spray, Sasuke promptly gave Naruto a face full of paint.

Naruto backed away, "What the hell, teme?!" When his vision cleared he began to laugh at the sight of the stone Hokage faces.

"Sasuke? Did you and Tobi just-?" Naruto's words began to sound like gibberish because he was laughing too hard. "Oh…I got to try that someday." He snorted, wiping away tears of laughter.

Tobi and Sasuke just stared, thinking the same thing. '_Like father like son_.' as they looked at what appeared to be clones, rolling on the floor laughing (ROTFL!).

When Minato finally got a hold of himself, he stood up proudly like a competent Hokage and said, "That was really irresponsible and immature of you, despite how funny it looks. As a result you two have to clean up your own mess." He tossed a sponge over to Tobi and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Tobi turned to Naruto, "Hey. Mind giving a little help here?"

"Sure." Naruto made hand seals and then closed his eyes, saying, "Kage Bushin no Jutsu! (Shadow Clone Jutsu!)"

Several clones of Naruto appeared. Sasuke smiled as he saw what had happened. Simultaneously both he and Tobi activated their Sharingans.

Then at the same time they both shouted, "Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

The job was done in no time.

End Flashback

"Yep. Good times." Tobi left the room to go to the kitchen for some ramen.

For the rest of the day Deidara waited or tried to get Tobi to go to sleep again.

"Where are you bringing me?"

"Down, rest here, un." Deidara pulled Tobi into a bedroom and shoved him onto the bed.

"Are we going to-"

"No. Sleep. Right now, hmm?"

"Okay…" Tobi hesitantly lied down and grabbed the blankets. "...but I'm not tried. Maybe I'll get tried if we…"

"No! Out of the question, un!" Deidara sat down besides Tobi and grabbed a few books from a nearby shelf. "I'll read you a story. How does that sound, hmm?"

Tobi looked very disappointed, nevertheless he became silent and listened to Deidara's story.

Sometime later...

"...and they lived happily ever after, yeah. The end."

Tobi had already fallen asleep. Deidara smiled, Tobi looked so much more angelic and innocent when asleep, his face stuck with a seemingly permanent smile. By impulse Deidara lazily played with his hair as the muttering began again.

"This isn't going to work, Deidara..."

"What isn't going to work, hmm? Us, Tobi? Are we not going to work, hmm?"

"No, Deidara." Tobi eyes flashed opened suddenly, "I can't sleep with you staring at me like that!"

His eyes became a dangerous Sharingan red, "A little privacy please? Now don't bother me again unless…"

Tobi nabbed Deidara by the sleeve and pulled him closer. "Wouldn't you _please_, have some fun with _me_?" he asked in an alluring songlike voice.

"No." Deidara stated flatly, trying to calm his beating heart. '_Forget that, un. Behind an angelic exterior he has demonic desire…_'

"Didn't think so." Tobi turned over and ignored Deidara, outside of continuing to speak in that same tempting voice. "You shouldn't treat me like that Deidara. I'll continue to desire you and one day I might just snap and do something desperate…"

"Oh, really?"

"I promise." Tobi smiled naughtily, but Deidara did not see that smile or he would have had a tiny warning of what was yet to come.

Deidara went away and didn't meet Tobi again until it was nighttime.

Deidara tried hard to stay awake, listening for when Tobi would talk in his sleep again.

It was very late when Tobi began to murmur and Deidara was struggling to keep awake.

"This isn't going to work, Deidara…"

"Hmm?"

"I can't keep seeing you."

"Why, hmm?"

"You know all too well why! I'm a wanted criminal, if you continue to stay with me you'll get involved in the danger too. I'm not even so sure I can trust since you keep on trying to find out my real identity all the time. Fine. You want to know? I'm really…"

That was all Deidara heard as he dozed off from lack of sleep, barely remembering what had happened in the morning.

* * *

Deidara woke up. '_Figures. Tobi is already gone, un. How can he wake up that early, hmm_?' thought Deidara. He marched out the door with a destination in mind, he had a few question to ask a certain someone. Something distracted him though.

"Sakura, c'mon. It's traditional for a wife to do the laundry…"

"Even if it is, I don't have to do it. You can wash your own damn laundry if you think you're responsible enough to keep a pet."

"Deidara-chan, do you wash Tobi's clothes?" Sakura asked Deidara.

"No…"

"Ha! See? Deidara doesn't do Tobi's laundry." asked Sakura triumphantly.

Deidara frowned, '_I've never washed Tobi's clothes before…let along see him without them, un_.'

Deidara turned around and marched back into the room to look through Tobi's clothes, the sounds of Sasuke and Sakura arguing behind him.

"There's nothing wrong with the snake…holy cow! What is it doing?!" Sasuke yelped in surprise, pointing at his escaped pet snake.

"Wow. That's really creepy." Sakura commented.

The snake had crawled into the laundry basket and was currently making its way back into the wild, with a pair of Sasuke's underwear in its fangs.

"Misssion accomplissshed!" It said in a singsong voice.

"Okay…What the heck just happened?" Sasuke said, his eye visibly twitching.

What Deidara found when he looked through Tobi's clothes completely confounded him.

'_Bloody bandages…hmm_?' Deidara thought, finding something else. '_My favorite red ribbon? How did this come into Tobi's possession, hmm? It shouldn't be here, un. That's because ages ago I gave this to…_'

Flashback 

"Ow." complained Deidara. "You just enjoy seeing me suffer, hmm? Don't you?"

"It looks beautiful, Deidara." said Madara honestly. "Like you."

Deidara blushed and reluctantly handed the ribbon over. Madara took the ribbon and examined the stitched characters on it that read 'Deidara.'

Deidara reached for the ribbon, wanting to take a look at his handiwork. "Let me see, un." he demanded, taking back the ribbon to examine.

"Yeah, I did do a pretty good job, hmm?" Deidara smiled and retied his hair with the red ribbon. His smile turned into a frown as he felt Madara removed the ribbon, causing his hair to hang loosely again. The frowned deepened as Deidara felt hands run over his blond tresses.

"Give me back the ribbon and stop playing with my hair, un!"

Deidara trembled as he felt Madara caress him thoughtfully, "Please allow me to keep the ribbon. If I cannot have you can I have but a token of you?"

"Yeah." Deidara replied as Madara released him reluctantly.

End Flashback 

Deidara examined the ribbon in his hand. There it was, those characters, 'Deidara' was written on it in his own sloppy needlework. Deidara pocketed it uncertainly. '_Madara has some explaining to do, yeah_.' he thought.

* * *

"Madara?" Deidara said, despite the fact no one was seen. "I know you're there…un."

He heard movement behind him and turned to see Madara.

"Explain this…" said Deidara, trying to pull out the ribbon, but before he could Deidara found himself pushed against a tree. Madara pushed his mask up a little. Deidara gulped, that was never a good sign.

"Shut up." Madara ordered, pinning Deidara down by his wrists.

"Hmm?"

"You've been so cruel to me and I hate you for it…" Madara kissed Deidara briefly. Deidara's legs failed him and he collapsed onto his knees. Deidara decided Madara's lips must have been laced with toxic. Otherwise he wouldn't have felt so suddenly vulnerable and powerless, suddenly immobilized under Madara. " …why did you steal my heart?"

"I didn't mean to take it, un…" Deidara whimpered, confused by Madara's actions.

"But I have yours too. I'll understand if you hate me for what I am about to do…such a lovely kimono, you wouldn't mind if I took it off for a closer look, would you?"

Deidara suddenly became all too aware of Madara's intentions.

Deidara was wearing a cobalt blue kimono with sapphires decorating it, they resembled tears. There was also a baby blue sash that secured the kimono in place, which Madara began to remove!

"Stop…Please…" But Madara ignored Deidara's whimpers and continued planting kisses along his collarbone.

'_I really do want you Deidara…but to think it would take such drastic measures for me to have you…_'

"I've done so much for you. Taught you how to read, write and countless other things. I've even saved your life in more than one occasion. How do you plan to repay me when anything I desire I can steal? There's only one thing I want from you…and that's something you can give me willingly…or something I can take by force. Come, I'll teach you about one more thing…"

"Yamete onegai!"('Stop please!' in Japanese) Deidara tried to struggle but his attempts were fruitless, Madara refused to let him go.

That had no effect whatsoever, on the contrary Madara was amused Deidara was struggling.

"Please stop…I'm begging you, un…I can't, not with you…"

"And why not? Will he love you, even if he finds out you are unfaithful? He would leave you won't he? Then you will be mine…"

"Ma…dar…aahhh…"

Madara snickered with sinful glee, he loved it. The way Deidara moaned every syllable of his name, begging him to stop! No! He was not going to stop, this was way too delightful…

Deidara hated it, Madara's unbidden actions. Or at least that's what he tried to convince himself. '_I'm so sorry, Tobi…Why couldn't I have been with you when I had the chance, now someone else will unrightfully take what I should have had the pleasure of giving you…_'

Madara could taste it, the tears that flowed down Deidara's cheeks and instantly felt pity.

But he did not show it, "Your cruelty has made me cruel! Do you have any idea how much you have made me sick with longing? The anguish I felt knowing that you belonged to anyone else? It's hurt me so much and I'll hurt you in return. How I've desired you! You've made me sadistic with want…I will have you, _Deidara_!"

"No….hmm…Please stop! Don't. Aahh…my husband won't forgive you. Just you wait, if I'll tell him he'll kick you ass, un!" '_I'm not even sure if Tobi will forgive me, hmm_?'

"Oh, really? You're absolutely sure? What? That 'stupid retarded klutz' or that 'no good husband' that you're more of a man than? Those insults should sound familiar because those are just a of few insults out of the many others you call him...can you honestly expect someone like that to save you? Would he come to the rescue if this was happening right in front of him...or would he do this…?"

Deidara couldn't speak, not as Madara kissed him savagely. Deidara's didn't want to feel, his senses were a curse at this point. Deidara could hear his own heart, beating erratically in his ears, wild and out of control and the malicious laughter of the person that was making him feel this way. He could tastes it, yes. His own tears and perspiration and _him_. An awful and lurid taste that was there and wouldn't disappear. Deidara could see it happening but could not stop it as Madara removed his sash. Deidara could smell his own sweat mixed with _his_. Touch? Deidara despised it, the way _he_ touched him and how his own sense of touch reacted. It was so hard to repress shivers, so very hard.

Deidara tried to fight but it was useless. Madara ignored it when Deidara dug his fingernails in his skin or when Deidara's mouth hands bit him or when Deidara tried to kick him in that 'down there' area. Madara only kissed him more fervently, subduing his strength.

He was trying to find an opening but Deidara refused. No matter how hard Madara bit, trying to get Deidara's lips to part Deidara didn't give in. When Deidara finally allowed him to get in, it was a trap.

Swiftly, Deidara bit down on Madara's tongue and gave him a head butt, causing him to recoil in surprise. Deidara raised his hand and slapped Madara's mask right off.

"I HATE YOU!! Stupid lecherous sack of crap! I want my first time to be with my husband, yeah! I'm freaking married, un. I can't, not with you…"

Deidara paused to blink in surprise, "What the hell? TOBI?!"

"Hehe…hello, Deidara-chan." Tobi laughed nervously.

Deidara glared at Tobi crossly, "I knew something was off, un! You're just pretending to be Madara to make him look bad, hmm?!"

"DIE!!" Deidara pulled the ribbon out and attempted to choke Tobi with it.

"N-no. Ack! Seriously, I am Madara!" Tobi protested, trying to calm Deidara down.

"Yeah right!"

Deidara cried softly as he found himself incapacitated, Tobi had his hands around his neck. Now Deidara was the one struggling for breath, he became weaker and his senses dulled. Tobi loosened his grip, allowing Deidara to breathe as soon as he calmed down and ceased movement.

"Calm down, please. I know you feel betrayed but-"

"Of course I feel betrayed, un! Were you really planning to go through with it? To do that to me, hmm?!" Deidara's face was still scarlet because of Tobi's pervious actions. Also he only had half his clothes on, his blue outerwear were scattered on the ground and he only had his pure white undergarments on. Which probably won't be so pure if what had happened continued.

"I don't know but I guess I really would have…because I do want you…"

"You're really Madara, hmm? All those times…it was you, hmm?" Deidara's face changed as he began remembering what had happened between him and Madara, the memories flooding into his mind. "It was you who…everything…"

"That's right. It was I who saved you that time on the stage and when we fought Orochimaru. I was also the one who taught you how to read and write. I heard it all you know, when you cursed me whenever I criticized your work. I was also the one who 'disciplined' you all those times... "

"And it was also you that just now…" Deidara yelped in realization and tried to kick Tobi away, gathering his scattered clothes. "B-but doesn't that mean you know everything, hmm?" Deidara tried to ask between choked sobs.

"Yes. I know you can't give me a son. I do know about your background. But I don't care! Now…" Tobi beamed lustfully and crawled closer to Deidara. "…let me finish what I started. Were you serious when you said you wanted your first time to be with me?"

Deidara grimaced, he remembered why Tobi annoyed him, it was his expression. It was always filled with unconcealed longing. Madara was easy to stand because Deidara couldn't see his face but now that he knew who was under it…

"You freaking…you're really are something aren't you, hmm? I can't believe you just… and now you're asking to…"

"You're not answering my question."

"Yeah…" Deidara admitted with embarrassment.

"Really?" Tobi's lips brushed against Deidara's neck tenderly. "Can you do it again?"

"Hmm?"

"Moan out my name…"

"No, I only did because Tobi was being a bad boy and tried to…please don't…To…bi…un!"

"What's the matter? I thought you said you weren't going to do that again."

"That's because you…To…bi…aahhh..."

"You did it again!"

Deidara found himself being lifted in the air by Tobi, being carried bridal style.

"I want to play a game just with you, _Deidara_." He empathzied every sllayble with seductive charisma, his voice crooning but pleading at the same time. With that Deidara's arms and feet were bound by the sash Tobi had removed. "Want to play...? Not that you have a choice in the matter."

"Wha-what are you doing, h-hmm?"

"Taking you somewhere more comfortable."

Tobi could feel Deidara's body quiver with fear and anticipation in his arms. Deidara opened his mouth, as if to scream or yell in protest but Tobi stopped him. A soft moan escaped Deidara's throat as Tobi kissed him, outlining Deidara's lips with his tongue. Then Tobi made a strange but familiar movement with his hand, he had the key now and Deidara no longer speak, let alone scream. Deidara tried to struggle out of his bonds, but only halfheartedly.

"Give up. I may have taught you everything you know but not everything _I _know. Let's just say I was being kind when I made you moan. I could do much better and make you feel much worse…"

Deidara struggled harder but his efforts were wasted. Tobi was going to have his way…

* * *

Author's Notes:

Deidara is _so_ screwed. That explains this chapter title. Sorry I can't write detailed smut about it actually happening if some people are expecting it. I can not write such stuff for several reasons…

1) It would jack up the rating. I plan to keep this T although this chapter is making me think otherwise.

2) I'm not old enough to write descriptive smut. To give you an idea of my age I am also not old enough to drive, vote, smoke, or drink. Seriously.

3) Whatever. I still wrote minor smut anyway. My first attempt, what do you think? My first attempt and it's yaoi (another word for guy x guy)?! I have seriously crossed over to the dark side. They had cookies…

What exactly is Tobi doing to Deidara? Holds up two plushies, one looks like Deidara, the other Tobi. Tosses them to you. Use your imagination! Tosses Deidara and Tobi plushies to my appreciated reviewers.

On a side note...

I'M NOT DEALING CRACK!

But I'm being to think otherwise with the reviews I'm getting. A couple of people say they are addicted to this fic. I'm flattered people like this story so much. There are so many better ones out there…

Thanks for the reviews and continued to review please. I'm so delighted! When I began this fic I was unsure about it but now I know these's actually people that like my writing…

Reference Notes: I referenced several events that actually happened in the actual Naruto anime/manga.

Madara(Tobi) released Kyuubi on Konoha, I made it happen here too except with toys. I can't make it happen for real here. I don't want the people of Konoha to suffer. Tobi wishes to say he's sorry, I'm pretty sure it was just an _accident_.

Ruining the Hokage's craved images? That was done on purpose, and for some reason Tobi worked extra hard to mess up the First Hokage's face…Madara and the First Hokage fought, right? Madara lost of course but he had his revenge yet! Muhahahaha!

In the actual Naruto manga/anime Naruto also placed graffiti on the stone Hokage faces, so he made true to his promise of 'trying that someday.' Also he and Sasuke kissed in the actual Naruto manga/anime but it didn't happen here. Sorry. It's not that I hate SasuNaru, I'm actually quite tolerant of it, but I like SasuSaku more. At least they landed on each other… How about that?

Also Naruto owning Kyuubi is a reference because it's supposed to be sealed inside him. Minato Namikaze(Yondaime AKA Fourth Hokage) and Kushina Uzumaki(Naruto's mother) were his parents. I don't know too much about Kushina Uzumaki so I'm making stuff up. I'm not sure whether she really collected dolls or not. I'll pretend they're alive because this is AU and everyone I want to be alive can be!

The snake? Okay, either it was sent by Orochimaru or it's Karin in disguise… Either way it's a Sasuke stalker!

**_REVIEW PLEASE!! EXTRA EMPHASIS ON HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO! I'M TYPING IN CAPS AND FANCY FONT!_**


	10. Itachi is Decieved? Blame Tobi!

Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. On a side note, the random little girl and her mother are my OCs, but are simply just there for humor.

* * *

'_Hmm…something's different this morning, yeah_.' Deidara thought as he woke up. It was different that morning, Tobi usually woke up first and left. Now that Deidara knew why Tobi woke up so early it also explained why most of the time Madara was always there first.

Deidara smirked. Yes, this morning was different because he didn't have to go see Madara. Madara was here right next to him in bed. _Tobi _was right next to Deidara in bed. Of course it didn't matter, Tobi and Madara were the same person.

'_I found out yesterday…yeah_.' thought Deidara, blushing when he remembered that was not the only thing that happened yesterday.

"Wake up. I know you're faking sleep…yeah."

A single obsidian colored eye opened in response to Deidara's voice.

"How did you know?" asked a drowsy voice.

"You thought I wasn't paying attention when you sneaked those kisses, hmm? Well I was faking sleep too, un."

"Guilty as charged. Regardless, no matter how much I would like to lie in bed with you all day…now that we are both awake we should get dressed."

"Why, hmm?"

"Remember when we performed? It has been a few days right?"

"The wish! I remember, yeah. Well, I have one more secret to tell you…un."

Tobi listened intently as Deidara explained the details.

* * *

"It sort of looks like a scorpion…"

"Hell no! It looks like a spider."

"You just can't appreciate art!"

"It's just a freaking crack in the wall!"

"Kakuzu, what do you think?"

Kakuzu sighed, '_We really have gone insane, haven't we_?' he thought.

They might have since Sasori and Hidan have succumbed to boredom to the point they studied cracks in the walls to see what they resembled.

'_Yes. You have gone insane_.' a little voice in Kakuzu's mind replied. '_And the fact you are relying on a voice in your head to answer your questions proves it_.'

"Scorpion!"

"Spider!"

'_Good. If they kill each other I can have some peace_.' thought Kakuzu. '_But then I would have no company…_'

'_Except me_.' replied the same voice in his head.

"Alright, who the hell are you?!"

'_The Monopoly Man_.'

"Get out of my head!"

Sasori and Hidan stopped arguing to look at Kakuzu strangely, his random outbursts were a little frightening.

"What are you looking at?!" Kakuzu yelled. "I your faces, I own Park Place!"

Hidan punched the wall with his fist and cringed in pain, his knuckles now bleeding.

"What does it effing look like now, huh?!"

"Your mom." Sasori smirked.

"I own that too." Kakuzu cackled insanely.

Hidan took two deep breaths, sure there wasn't exactly room for creativity since his weapons were confiscated but by the time he was through even Jashin-sama would not be able to identify their mangled bodies.

"You're goin' down, Pinocchio!"

"Nnooo! He doesn't have life insurance!" Kakuzu wailed, clinging to Hidan's leg.

"I don't give an effing crap filled damn!"

"Your mother would be very upset to hear you say such language, Hidan."

"ARGH!"

Before a triple homicide could be committed, prison door was opened to reveal a person.

That person being Shizune, who opened the door to find three lunatics at each others throats.

Of course the only words she could think of were, "Hey, that crack sort of looks like your mom, Tonton!"

Tonton snorted to express agreement.

"Good news, you three are free to go!"

"Nani?!(What)" Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan said simultaneously.

* * *

"Here we are." Sasori said with evident exhaustion. "It was kind them to let us off easy like that…"

"As if!" scoffed Hidan. "Sure, we got out of that crappy hellhole called jail but we still have to do community service."

"It can't be that bad." Kakuzu commented. "They said we have to do community service at a place called Sarutobi's. Are you sure this is it, Sasori?"

"Positive."

* * *

"Why would you two wish for the freedom of criminals?" Itachi asked, he obviously expected an answer. As usual he was seated at his throne, Sasuke and Sakura stood at his left and right. Tobi and Deidara were in his line of sight, fidgeting nervously.

"I'm pretty sure Deidara-chan has a good reason…" Sakura said uncertainly.

"Like?"

Sakura looked at Sasuke expectantly, as if he could pull an excuse out of thin air. Sakura was not sure why Tobi and Deidara wished what they did but she did not want them to get into trouble.

Sasuke just shrugged apologetically.

"Itachi-sama!" Zabuza and Haku marched into the room unannounced.

"We have identified them. They are the three of the four thieves that tried to ambush us when we delivered the clay phoenix!" stated Zabuza.

'_What? Why would they wish for the freedom of the thieves that could have ruined their wedding day_?' thought Sakura in confusion.

'_Three out of four_?' thought Sasuke

"Three out of four?" Itachi said what Sasuke was just thinking.

'_Crap._' thought Deidara worriedly, instinctively he tried to hide behind Tobi.

Tobi smiled reassuringly as if to say 'It'll be alright,' although he wasn't so sure himself.

"I thought there were four thieves. I wasn't so sure then but I am now…Deidara is the fourth thief and she just requested the freedom of her comrades!" Haku pointed at Deidara accusingly.

"What?!" Itachi frowned. "That can't be…wait a minute…" Itachi chewed some dango thoughtfully, '_That would explain her behavior…_' It was like a jigsaw puzzle was being constructed in his mind, everything clicked into place. "Is this true?! Explain yourself!" Itachi demanded.

"No." Deidara lied.

"Oh, then you wouldn't mind if I call the authorities and throw them back into jail?"

"Yeah…it's true." admitted Deidara in defeat.

A vein throbbed in Itachi's forehead, he was probably close to having a heart attack or go insane with rage. "I…can…not…allow this! What happened to the real hanayome, Ino Yamanaka?" he rose out of his seat and pointed at Zabuza and Haku. "Escort her out of my property!"

Sasuke and Sakura stood in Zabuza and Haku's path.

"Sasuke? Sakura? What are you doing?!" shrieked Itachi.

"Give Tobi-kun a chance to talk!" Sakura insisted.

"I refuse to give hi-her up!" Tobi hugged Deidara protectively.

"What did you say?!" Itachi growled.

"No…I refuse to give her up. Deidara is mine. My hanayome…and my wife."

"Think logically, Tobi!" Itachi sighed in exasperation. "Foolish little brother! Don't you understand? You must divorce her! We can't taint the family tree with the likes or her…ugh, a lowly thief! Don't you understand? Everything can be right again! Just divorce her and then I can find you a more suitable hanayome again."

"Ni-san, you're the one who forced Tobi into this marriage in the first place now you want to force him out of it and into another one? At least give him a chance to make his own decision!" Sasuke objected.

"My decision remains the same. Divorce that lowly commoner!" Itachi was not changing his mind.

"No." Tobi repeated.

"It would be irresponsible of me. I cannot divorce Deidara, not now because…Deidara, Deidara is bearing my child!"

"What?!" Itachi began to hyperventilate, any more surprises and he might just have a heart attack.

He was not the only one that yelled 'what?!' in surprise, basically everyone in the room did except for Tobi.

Deidara yelled 'what?!' the loudest of all, he then began choking Tobi angrily, "You better be kidding, un!" he hissed into Tobi's ear.

"I-I am. Ju-Just play along." he whispered back with difficulty.

"Shouldn't you be the most happy?" Sakura asked, wondering why Deidara was treating Tobi like that. '_I can't believe it, they beat Sasuke and I to it_?'

"Oh, I am, yeah. I'm so happy I'm strangling him in joy, un!"

"Despite your background I guess I have no choice. I can't kick out _two_ members of the Uchiha clan." Itachi said hesitantly. "I should call the Uchiha clan's chief family doctor here so he can confirm whether or not Deidara really is bearing the heir to the Uchiha clan. I'll let her stay if that's the case…but if it isn't…"

* * *

"Congratulations!" A strange man with long white, gray hair tied up in a pony tail who wore glasses stopped taking Deidara's pulse to shake Tobi's hand vigorously.

Deidara grabbed Tobi and dragged him to a secluded corner of the room, "I thought you said you were kidding, un! That's it, I'm not letting you screw me ever again! How can this even happen, hmm?" Deidara began to hold back choked sobs.

"I am kidding, honestly…" Tobi said reassuringly, caressing Deidara tenderly.

"Don't touch me, un!" Deidara growled, pushing Tobi away to break out of the embrace. "What do you mean you're kidding? A trained doctor with a diploma just told me that I have your child, yeah!"

"No, he's lying. I knew sooner or alter your background would be discovered so I took precautions. I knew there was no way ni-san would allow you to stay in the clan so I preyed on the one thing he cared about the most. To revive the Uchiha clan, so I…"

Flashback

"Nine hundred ninety-nine, and a thousand! This should do it." Tobi handed over a wad of cash over to the family doctor. "Thanks for your help Dr. Yakushi."

"Please, just call be Kabuto." The man grabbed the cash eagerly, his glasses failing to hide the greed in his eyes.

"So do we have an understanding, Kabuto? Do you understand what you must do?"

"Yes, I understand."

End Flashback 

"Oh." Deidara paused before swiftly kicking Tobi in the shins.

"What was that for?!"

"Let me in on your plans next time, un! Ugh, if the doctor had been serious, hmm…so I don't really have your child?"

"No. But just pretend to, if you don't you'll have to leave the clan…and I don't want to lose you."

"Let's end this conversation before people get suspicious, yeah."

Meanwhile behind them Itachi jumping up and down in joy. He shook Sasuke violently, screaming, "Oh my kami! You're going to be an uncle! And your going to be an aunt!" He pointed at Sakura. Itachi paused before looking at himself, "I'm going to be an uncle!" Then he skipped over to Tobi and yelled, "You're going to be a father!!" He then stopped, fell to the ground and took out his inhaler. "We must celebrate…that's it! We're going to Sarutobi's restaurant! The bill's on me!"

* * *

Sasori stopped what he was doing suddenly and began to laugh uncontrollably. Likewise Kakuzu began to crack up to, unfortunately this distracted them from their current task.

"Why were you laughing?" Kakuzu asked Sasori.

"No idea. Why did you laugh?" Sasori shot back.

"I have no idea either. Something must have happened."

"Great. Now we have to clean up this mess. I got flour all over the floor…and myself too." Sasori sighed in disdain, examining his flour covered attire.

* * *

"I am not wearing that fugly ass costume!"

"I don't like the looks of this one. He swears an awful lot…"

"Go to hell, old man! Just you wait, I'll sacrifice you to Jashin!"

"…and threatened to kill me at least three times ever since he got here."

"You're right." Kurenai instantly agreed with Asuma. "The other two seemed okay. I don't understand why they went into jail in the first place but this one is definitely rotten."

"Look, if you don't do any work you'll go back to jail." Asuma said threateningly, he tossed over an outfit to the white haired man that was the subject of this conversation.

"Fine." Hidan growled in defiance but wore the costume anyway.

* * *

"Eat at Sarutobi's! Our prices are so freaking low you would think we are bananas!" To emphasize his point Hidan pranced around in his monkey suit before tossing flyers to random people walking by.

'_That's it. One of these days I'm gonna murder that effing old man. Making me wear a monkey costume…_'

"Mommy, is that Bigfoot?" asked a little girl passing by.

"No, dear." replied the girl's mother.

"Then what is he? A gorilla?"

"Listen, brat. I'm not Bigfoot or a gorilla! Got that?"

"Mommy told me not talk to strangers, and my name is not brat. You shouldn't talk to strangers either, hasn't your mommy ever told you not to speak to stranger, monkey man?"

Hidan yelled in rage before charging at the girl and her mother. Luckily the suit was too heavy and he couldn't catch up to them as they ran. The last words he heard were, "Mommy, do monkeys have mommies too?"

* * *

'_What the hell_?' Hidan could not believe his eyes as he saw the group of people that entered Sarutobi's. He was almost glad he was in the monkey outfit, Deidara did not recognize him.

* * *

"Take the next table's order."

"But I'm not a waiter." Sasori complained, dropping the towel he was holding into a bin of water. He had barely begun cleaning flour off himself.

"There's a shortage and this place is packed. Just go."

"Alright." Sasori sighed, he took a piece of paper and a pen before leaving the kitchen.

000000

"C-Crap!" Deidara squeaked in surprise before cowering behind Tobi.

"What's the matter?" Tobi asked, allowing Deidara to use him as a shield.

"It's Sasori-no-danna's ghost, yeah. He's coming back to haunt me because he got captured and I failed to save everyone. What the hell, hmm? I thought you said they all got freed, un!" Deidara whispered angrily.

"They did! I don't understand. He can't be a ghost, that's ridiculous."

"We'll see…hmm. Just don't let him see me!" Deidara sunk father away from view behind Tobi.

"Are you done deciding, yet?" Sasori grumbled impatiently. He was never patient, he hated to make people wait for him and for people to make him wait. Absentmindedly he face palmed, causing a few clouds of flour to fall down onto the woman who was currently flipping through the menu.

"Please sir, if you would just wait…" Sakura flipped through the menu again and frowned in disdain as flour fell onto her outfit. "If you would just stop fidgeting, you're getting flour all over my new dress! Geez, I never knew this place had such incompetent waiters. Especially a klutz covered in flour." Sakura paused to hold her nose. "And you smell like jail cell."

"Quite frankly miss you don't smell like roses yourself. Now would you hurry up and order?"

"Of course not. She smells like cherry blossoms." Sasuke interpreted. "And your not being very professional to your costumers."

"I think I'll have…"

Sasori waited impatiently for Sakura to say her order but she did not finish her statement, instead she skimmed through the menu again.

Sasori growled in irritation before a voice came out saying, "I'll have cat hairballs." He had imitated Sakura's voice almost flawlessly due to the practice he got from playing with dolls…er, puppets.

"What?" Sasuke gasped in surprise.

"I didn't say that!" protested Sakura, looking through the menu. "It isn't even on the menu!"

Sasori smirked, saying in his normal voice, "Okay, cat hairballs it is."

"I did not order that!" Sakura repeated, her fist glowing a dangerous blue. She glared at Sasori. "Wise guy, huh?"

A random person from a nearby table yelled, "Fight!"

"Don't hurt me." he peeped weakly. "I break easily, just ask my grandma. I'm pretty sure you would understand, you're probably a grandma too."

Inner Sakura's thoughts were something like this, '_Did he just say I'm old?! That's it! He's dead, SHANNARO_!'

Before Sasori was beaten to a pulp and really be dead, he was promptly pulled away by other restaurant workers before Sakura could deal the first blow.

"Sorry about that! We'll send another waiter to your table, okay?" apologized one of the other workers.

"Is he gone, hmm?" Deidara asked, confused by the commotion that had taken place.

"Yes, and that wasn't a ghost."

"Hmm?"

Tobi pointed at the flour covered table. "I'm pretty sure the _flour _is real and so is Sakura's anger." He gestured towards Sakura who was still steaming. Everyone back away a little as she karate chopped a table in half. She had to beat the crap out of something made out of wood.

"Sasori-no-danna is still alive, hmm? Yeah. But then where's Kakuzu and Hidan…?" Deidara stopped whispering to Tobi and reluctantly stopped hiding.

The two waiters that appeared were Sai and Ino, only without their disguises this time.

Itachi gasped in surprise after their orders were taken, "I-Ino Yamanaka?!"

"Eep!" Ino promptly hid behind Sai. "No! I'm not going back."

"Ino is mine." Sai stated this as a fact because it was.

"Fine. So be it." Itachi huffed. "There is no need for you anyway. Tobi has a more competent hanayome. In fact today we are here to celebrate the fact the fact his wife is expecting!"

Ino blinked in surprise, "So no one's mad at me for running away? We don't have to wear disguises anymore!" Ino laughed happily before hugging Sai.

"Congrats." Sai said, his smile actually showing a true shred of happiness for Tobi and Deidara.

Ino shook Deidara's hand only to have a handful of slobber.

"Ew, I mean…er," In a lower voice Ino whispered to Deidara, "Thank you for taking my place. I'm so happy!"

Deidara smiled back, "I am happy too, yeah."

Said and Ino skipped into the kitchen to deliver the order to the chefs. Unfortunately they were not the only ones that had heard the lie Deidara had a child. Behind Sai and Ino a man covered in whose flour covered hair revealed a spark of red was hiding behind a man in a monkey suit. Next to him was a man whose two glowing eyes were the only things not covered by his masked face, he was counting money.

"Holy cow! I told you I effing saw him!"

"It really is Deidara! But didn't you hear what that guy said? Who's wife is expecting? Crap, don't tell me they're talking about…?"

"Seven hundred eighty eight." Kakuzu paused to join in the conversation. "Who knows? Go over there and find out. It can't be Deidara, how is that even possible?"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Geez. Deidara is a bit girly but wouldn't it be going too far to say it's actually possible for him to be…ugh, I can't even say it."

"Let's go over there and find out ourselves." Kakuzu said, offering a plan.

"No way. Do you see that girly girl?"

"Deidara?" Hidan asked.

"No. The one with cotton candy pink hair!"

"How the hell did 'cotton candy' get into your dictionary?"

"Well I wouldn't go over there because she will probably kick my ass."

"Be a man, Sasori! You're such a effing can of bull crap, listen to yourself! You're afraid of a _girl_?"

"You're right. I'll never be as much of a man as your mo-"

Kakuzu promptly stomped on Sasori's foot so he couldn't complete his statement.

"Ow!"

"We'll go over there and find out ourselves." Kakuzu growled, it was a miracle Sasori was still alive.

"Cheers!" Everyone followed Itachi's example and raised their glasses. "To the next generation of the Uchiha clan! I'm pretty sure Deidara will be a good mother."

"D-did he just say Deidara was going to be a mother?!" Sasori deadpanned.

"Remember what we discussed?" asked Kakuzu.

All in all it was a pretty eventful day. Even more so when Tobi was attacked by a gorilla and Deidara was being led away by a ghost.

* * *

"Well this is familiar…yeah."

Stuck in a random kitchen pantry again.

Sasori could not stop laughing, either that or it was the flour and he was coughing.

"So you're not a ghost, hmm?"

"I am a ghost, Deidara. And this is all a dream." Sasori said solemnly.

"Really, hmm?"

"No. Of course I'm real!" Sasori snapped. "So. We have a lot of catching up to do. Explain yourself. Who knows? Maybe I will learn the ancient secret of how guys can get pregnant! Kakuzu can publish a book and get freaking rich!"

Deidara absentmindedly jiggled the door knob, "The sign says PUSH…yeah."

"It does…wait, when did you learn how to read? Or was that a fluke and you simply guessed?"

"That can says SALT." Then Deidara pointed at the bag of stuff Sasori was sitting on. "That says RAT POISON, un."

Sasori stood up in surprise, "You're changing the subject."

Deidara sighed and began his long narrative, conveniently editing out a few details like everything about Madara.

"And that's why I have to pretend to be pregnant…yeah."

Sasori must have only heard half of what Deidara had said because he laughed through the entire thing.

"It's not funny, un!"

"Okay. I'll stop laughing." Sasori halted briefly and became serious. "Are you really happy like this?"

"Yeah."

"C'mon. We have to stop Hidan before he sacrifices your husband to Jashin. We'll probably go back to jail for that…"

* * *

Sasori returned to the table to find that Hidan and was not after Tobi but Itachi. Kakuzu was nonchalantly tugging Tobi's sleeve, saying comments like, "What material is this?"

"Dango is crap!" Hidan yelled.

"No it isn't! Banana brains!" Itachi yelled back. "Monkeys have no appreciation for human food."

"I'm not a monkey!"

"I'm pretty sure your mom was."

Hidan turned around at the familiar sound of Sasori's voice. Hidan grudgingly walked over to Sasori as Deidara returned to Tobi's side and Kakuzu walked over to Sasori too.

"I'm really sorry. My friend is not right in the head. You see, his mother was a monkey." Hidan growled and shoved a fork into Sasori's back, which Sasori ignored.

"Figures. They're with him." Sakura grumbled. She had a bad opinion of Sasori and even worse so of his comrades.

Sasori yanked Kakuzu and Hidan by the sleeves and dragged them toward the kitchen, where he would relay to them what Deidara had told him.

* * *

A few days passed by somewhat peacefully. Kakuzu fixed things with the monkey costume. Hidan didn't have to wear it. Shirtless Hidan attracted way more people to Sarutobi's restaurant.

Way more.

Sasori was a chef at Sarutobi's because of community service but later he worked their full time instead. Because Sasori had a job Kakuzu and Hidan were rethinking what they should do for a living. Stealing again was out of the question. So they stopped stealing and got permanent jobs too, like Sasori. They ended up renting separate rooms at an inn close to the restaurant. At the restaurant a rivalry formed between Sasori and Sai. Who was the better chef and whose cooking creations can be called art and the such.

Conversations would most likely go along the lines of this…

"Mine is bigger."

"Well, mine is pointier."

"Let's show them to Ino."

"Okay."

For your information they were talking about _kitchen knifes_.

Unlike usual, instead of ignoring Deidara, Itachi was surprisingly nice. Despite Itachi's hospitality Deidara was mean in return. Deidara found out that he hated being pregnant, even if it was fake. Phrases like, "No! You can't eat that! It's bad for the baby!" came out of Itachi's mouth a lot. He monitored almost everything Deidara did or ate. In response Deidara annoyed Itachi by cart wheeling across the room. This would be followed by the words, "No! Don't do that! It's bad for the baby!" Several times Deidara would grow extremely irritated since he couldn't eat his favorite foods.

"No, don't eat dango. It's bad for the baby!"

"Well you get to eat it, un! Why can't I, hmm? If I can't eat it you can't either!"

Itachi agreed to go cold turkey after Deidara threatened to take up smoking, drinking, or both.

"Deidara, isn't this going to far?" Tobi asked apprehensively.

"No, I'm just going to let that weasel fry for a while, that's all...yeah. Shouldn't hurt him too much, hmm?"

"But I'm worried about ni-san's mental health more than his physical health. He keeps on staying in his room…knitting."

"Knitting, hmm?"

"Yes, he keeps out stitching outfits for the baby. That can't be good for his eyes. He's starting to scare me. He locks himself in the bathroom playing peek-a-boo with the mirror…and when did ni-san stop eating dango?"

"I wonder how that happened, hmm?" Deidara said uneasily.

"How? That's what I'm wondering! Now all he eats is cold turkey."

"That's nothing to be afraid of, un."

"I know but I'm worried about his mental state. He keeps on worrying about the baby. Who knows what will happen if he finds out there isn't one?"

"He won't find out, un."

"I just hopes he doesn't crack and decide killing his clan is easier than reviving it."

"Nah…what's the chance of that happening, hmm?"

* * *

Author's Notes: Finally, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan are out of jail. They are still sentenced to community service though. Oh well, it's better than jail…or is it?

Deidara does not really have Tobi's child. Mpreg is impossible and does not make sense. Just as lies were revealed more are made, it's another lie so Deidara gets to stay in the Uchiha clan. What will happen if Itachi finds out? Will he crack and decide that killing his entire clan is easier than reviving it? Nah…c-could he?

No offense to Hidan's mom (despite the bashing for a nonexistent character), I'm not sure what she looks like at all. Sasori did not paint a pretty picture of her though.

Sasori says: Objection! I'm an artist. Therefore everything I paint looks awesome!

Reference Notes: Hidan threatens to kill Asuma but does not actually kill him…unlike in the manga. Why is a monkey Sarutobi restaurant's mascot? That's because the Third Hokage had a monkey summon called Monkey King Enma. I'm quite familiar with the Monkey King: Journey to the West legends.

Sakura and Sasori did fight in Naruto manga/anime but not here, they almost did though. 'Shannaro' is what Inner Sakura usually says, it's similar to Naruto's Dattebayo(Believe it!) Shannaro is replaced with "Cha!" in Naruto English dub. Blah, I hate English dub. Subtitled anime for the win!

Sasori says: **Reviews will be used to help Hidan's mom afford plastic surgery.**


End file.
